OMG Taking life by the balls is tireing.

I have had the busiest two days off a girl could ever have and I still didn't get the laundry done...

I talked to not one, not two, but THREE Auyrvedic practitioners today alone! Three!
Got some great advice, and advice that I just really needed to hear.
Am I in a different place then I was this morning? Not really. I have just re confirmed for myself that what I need to do is just GO TO SCHOOL, and that I still have no idea what is going to happen on the other side of it.

I also took a crack at really getting the blog off the ground already, and although super simple and mediocre, it is in a lot better place then it was this morning.

Still a work in progress.... but the important thing to note is that it IS IN PROGRESS.


Still on my list to do. Meditate ( i do a lot of deep thinking in the car, but no chanting. Feeling a little un enlightened LOL) Paint some more Christmas crafts. Study for my F exam. Laundry of course.... and paleo canning and cooking in preparation for the holidays.

That is not much right? In addition to living, working, mommying, and wifeing???

I can TOTALLY have time to do it all...  :b

authenticity

Do you ever have those moments that something that could be potentially good comes along and no matter what you do you just cannot sell yourself on it?
Then as someone else is trying to sell you on it, you find yourself half heartedly sort of kinda of in a non committal way saying you will maybe do it to please them?

Such is the position I now find myself in.

I just cannot buy on to the norm although all the signs point to logical why I should say yes answers.

I am sure anyone else in my case would be thrilled to have an opportunity to be in my position, but I want to piss it all away for a dream, a wish, an idea, and freedom.

Ever since I turned left at the fork, I cannot get myself to slight right again. I am not upset or even the teensy bit bothered by it either. I just feel like the left is where I am going, come dirt roads, flash floods, or the city of OZ.

I been to the right, been to the right, and been to the right again.
I'm over the "right" I'm on to the ________________________.

Sadly though it means I get to make a I'm so sorry I may have slightly seriously loosely sort of agreed to maybe something I did not want to do because I like you, and I knew that I SHOULD want what your selling, but I just don't.

I hope this person understands and still likes me as much as she does now. Either way, I know what direction I am headed that is for sure :)

Here's to knowing what I want or don't want for once in my life.

the possibility of health leading to, life with purpose.

Got to spend time with my family today. Simple days like these are some of my most favorite to look forward to.

I have been so feeling so enlightened lately, and scared at the same time. I have to admit that it is not often my heart and my head are fully in sync.

I am on this whole soul searchy I want to LIVE and have a life that has purpose path. I am really yearning for everyday to be something I look forward to doing instead of feeling like I live in a black and white superficial atmosphere.

I know it sounds stupid, but I really want to have purpose in my life and feel like I am contributing to the health and wellness of my family and anyone else that wants it.

No matter how old I get I cant ever let the dreamer and the believer in me die, because she is the core part of who I am.

It is so hard to say things like this out loud to anyone else, because I hear that voice telling me I am stupid. I know it isn't me, and I know what to do with it... but that is part of the reason I write this blog. I just have to say it, whatever I feel whatever is in my heart.

What I live and thrive off of is what is in my heart and I just have to speak it somehow.

I am so scared, and have no idea what is next for me, or my family, or my life.

All I can say is that I honestly am so thankful, for my husband because never before more in my life has he truly been my partner, more then he is right now.

I just know that no matter what happens, he is there for me. I love him for that.

The good news is, I have a little time to figure out this mission i have set myself up on, and I feel as though I am empowering myself with the best tools I know of.

Although I am really terrified of the steps I am making in my life, I am proactively doing everything I can to make whatever I dream of to work without blindly setting myself on some random course.

I think most of the people I have talked to about this a little, think I am being a massive drama queen.

I don't care though, because no one knows the courage it has taken me to get here. So although I am totally terrified, I am really proud. I am proud of who I am becoming, who I want to be, and just being brave in the face of all the negative stories I have believed about myself for as long as I can remember.

Fear

today has had its ups and downs.
Taylor graduated from her forum. At first I was not too sure if she got it, but by the end of the day I was.
We celebrated with some family and a friend, and then went home.

But on the flip side I have been dismissing anxiety again and again all day long.
I have not had to deal with this level of anxiety since before my forum.

It all has to do with work. Ever since last week, I just feel as though there is a negative tone that I cannot shake off because I can't control other people.

I don't want to control other people actually. I just want all the negativity to fall away.

I wish I could just swipe away whatever makes me anxious or whatever happened like chalk on a chalk board and start fresh.

Of course I have learned I actually CAN do that, but when you are batting at anxiety ridden butterfly's in the pit of your stomach all day it really makes it hard to stay present to the blank board in front of you.

I wish I could go on a pilgrimage to purify my soul. I could just pack up and take off and see what I want, feel what I want, and DO what I want.

One of the things I think I have always been so hard on myself for was how much I feel things.  How emotional I am.

Yet, it is the thing I find most beautiful about my child. So why so hard on myself?

Why do I have to continue to make peace with WHO I AM?

I know life is going to continue to come at me, that I will continue to have to keep choosing vanilla..... That I have to keep clearing the slate...... but some days, I am just exhausted.

Some days I just want to dip my feet into the sand, feel the wind in my hair, and watch the sun go down. A million miles away from my life, a million miles away from my choices and commitments.

Where home seems to be

So a few months back when I got first introduced to this chant, I worried I was doing it all wrong. And that one of the main reasons why I felt I never really attached myself to organized religion it was always all those rules.

Then about 3 weeks ago I spoke to Doreen and told her I thought I should get better at doing these chants and that I failed at the pronunciation of all the prayers.

She said all i need to know is nam myoho renge kyo and that I could chant it anywhere I want.
That often she chants it in the car.

And I was like awesome no restrictions back to the chanting.

I have chanted everyday since for different amounts of time and wherever I see fit. Sometimes multiple times daily, sometimes only once.

I really feel it helps me. I really feel at peace here in this chant.

I now want to learn a whole lot more about Buddhism in general as a result.

I cannot say I will ever commit to one religion, I find so many great things in many of them.

What I can say is this: I have never felt more at home then I do in this chant, and that is the truth.

Head first

I feel like the last 7 days have been a lot of delving into the unknown. It's like jumping in a dark pool of water; both scary and exhilarating... not really sure how you will end up once you reach the surface again.

I bought a domain name and web hosting not knowing a thing about building a website. Then I took a leap of faith entrusting the task to someone to help me.

In that respect, I am so impatient with the progress because right now I do not feel like there is any.

 I have a pretty damn good idea what I am going to talk about there.

I chose the name love-is-beauty so I could have the freedom to discuss whatever is beautiful to me.

Right now that falls under a very wide range of things, like health, cosmetics and skin care, self love, body acceptance, holistic wellness, relationships, nature.... I like that I get to keep the subject matter pretty open. I wonder though (this is the tiny voice in my head) if anyone will even wonder what the hell makes me the authority on anything or if I will even get any readers, and if it will lead anywhere.

I am trying to stifle those thoughts and just be in the possibility that it will be everything I need it to be, and more.

The other thing I have really been doing this week is really feeling out this idea that I can do what I really want.

I am pretty set on going back to school in spring, even if it means going to work part time.
I am really digging the description of this ayurvedic course at one school. I am waiting to hear back, go tour the school, and figure out the time and money it will take... but you know the whole thing just feels so right to me. I can visualize myself doing it. Usually when I can really visualize something, that is when I know it is real.

I really want it to go the way it does in my head, because in my possibility..... it is awesome.

I just really feel like, this is it. This is my calling. When I think about living in this, letting all the other things fall away that I have been white knuckling for so long it is an easy and pleasurable experience.

The only reason I feel like I have held on to the things that have made me so unhappy is because I did not know where to go. It was like being a little girl lost in the dark....

But now I can see where I belong and I just want to keep running toward the light.

I have also been re connecting with my artsy fartsy side. I started painting Christmas crafts, nothing major.... but it is a good start. It feels therapeutic and I really love it.
Especially today as I sang Barbara Streisand at the top of my lungs and remembered my mom.

Doreen said to me, this is when you begin your spiritual relationship with you mother,
In moments like those ones.... I know she is right.





Run Wild - Barbara Streisand

20/20

Some people get their personal aha's in meditation, I get them with the wind blowing in my hair and the music blaring out the window.

As part of living in this possibility of health, I am naturally trying to dismantle my own personally assaulting impulses.

One of the big ones is being my own worst enemy. I am so hard on myself. For not being where I should, not acting as I should, not knowing all the answers..... you name it, I hate it about myself and the fixer and changer function automatically kicks right in....

Today I was thinking about all of that. Thinking about me, and my attitude and my actions this year. Where I have been, where I am going, the things that have happened. All the why's.

I started to realize something.  I do not honestly think I have been in such a state of growth mentally since I was in my early teens. Then I was pretty much present to it because I think with puberty you just automatically expect change.

But now I have not been because I had this attitude that society expects you to be fully grown once you reach adulthood.

But I just realized how much I have been growing.

It is not all good, but it is not all bad either.
There has just been a lot the last two years or so that has really been shaping me and changing me.

Now that I know I am in a mental growth spurt, I feel a lot more ok with not being perfect, always saying the right things, or having all the damned answers.

I also feel like hey, I can step back, and get the hell outta my own way for once and fucking give myself room to grow without getting all panties in a bunch already.

I think I am actually making peace with the fact that 1. I am growing  2. I have no idea what exactly the hell what the whole process is gonna look like  3. It is not going to have to be perfect, and it is not going to be. And finally 4. Shit is gonna change.

Change has been mortal enemy with me for so long, that the reistance against it up to this point I think has really held me back.

Shit, If I can just make peace with CHANGE I think I am going to rock this fucking growth spurt.

I used to always be the person who dreamed big in a one day someday kind of way. Someone who always had an excuse to not evolve, to not go with her gut, to believe she cannot follow her heart because I just had to wait for A.B.C. to happen or change around me.

I'm really starting to feel the mind shift there. I am saying what I want, and I am sharing it to let other people know and get feedback. I am taking actions, even if they are baby steps to get one step closer to the other side everyday.

It is kind of a trip. I kinda love it. Que Katy Perry.....

frustrations

This week I have been feeling really frustrated in my work.

I have been positively seeking other ways I can support myself and further my personal aspirations, but being stuck where I am at the moment has been so frustrating to me. Part of the problem is I just feel like I am trying SO HARD to do every thing I am supposed to do, & to be the best I can be in my position.

I honestly feel like I really listen to feedback and really try to take my coaching back into my job.

Where I feel like it all falls short is, the people around me are not changing.

That leads to more coaching for me. Which feels like  1. I am getting thrown under the bus
2. I am being coached, but it is not me that is the problem 3. It makes me react in a irritated and frustrated manner because I am trying so hard and it is never good enough.

I know that what I need to do is let go of being right and also let go being frustrated. But it is honestly so hard for me because I really do not feel like I can do anything else other then not try so hard.

It just is not in my nature to do the bare minimum, and it irritates me that it is acceptable for it to be ok for others to and then it still falls on me.

I feel very stuck and I do not understand what they want from me.

I am constantly being told what my job is, and what I am paid for.... but it makes me want to say then what is your job? and what is the job of all these other people I am supposed to be training and developing? and why is it that I am the only person held to an expectation?

I wish I could see a way out of this frustration so that when I am at work, I am not so miserable because right now I hate my job.

breakdown/breakthrough

possibility: Living my life in a healthy way in all aspects of my life

Today I had the biggest breakdown. I totally knew I was too, right smack dab in the middle of it. I knew what I thought was my upset.... and I literally could not see my way to the other side.....

I was trying to landmark myself through it, counting of the steps...... breathing. sobbing.... then it hit me.

The story. I made a meaning out of a situation and got all upset and caught up.
And you know what I know?

That it doesn't mean a damn thing.

it was like woosh. okay got that. put in the past. Now what is in front of me?

What do I want????

it is all up there at the top of this page, in that one simple statement.

Where I am is not where I want to be or where I am going so why should I let people who I perceive to undervalue me bring me down?

I don't even want to be there.

Living in the most healthy way, allows me to know and choose that I can move myself wherever I need to be to be living my possibility.... It also allows me to know that where I am right now is fine. It is all part of the process.

I do not need to waste time being angry. or upset. I will leave that up to others. That is their choice.

Spent the rest of the night looking at free website/blog sites to get started on that. Booked two business meetings for next week.... AND looked up holistic alternative health practices that are taught locally. Looking in to maybe going to school for Spring. Also had a great talk with the hubby.

Someone told me yesterday that I am lion. That I am powerful. Today I sat back and listened to someone say some words that I perceived to mean that they did not think I was worthy.... (because that is MY real story - it keeps rearing it's ugly head) and I heard her telling me I am a lion and I thought about it, and you know what? damn right I AM.

Que cheezy ass Katy Perry song here.....

I don't care, it's kinda awesome that I have a sound track for my possibility.

<3

2013 the year my mother died

It has been three days since I have had any decent rest, maybe more. Although I had some REM hours last night, I feel like my soul was on the hunt to fix something. So no rest.

I went down to mom and John's Thursday night and left this afternoon. Came home and continued going through everything.

Gena was there when I got there Thursday, and we got right to work. we are pretty good at staying on task together. Late in the evening or early in the morning we finally had a little time to talk. I feel like she is right about us, she knows me more then I expect.

I got to talk about what I have been going through, but I do not think I was a very good listener.

Gena was like the guru of wisdom that day I swear. I told her about the last dream I had about mom and she had the perfect answer. That mom was telling me to wake up in life, she is here. I think she is right about that, physical absence is just so painful... spiritual presence just does not compare.

We talked about me feeling bad for treating mom poorly, and she was quick to ask me if i wished I had more time with mom in a healthy relationship. Of course I do. I got a really good glimpse of that today reading a few letters I mailed my mom when I was a teenager. I was so rude and nasty, my anger just wreaks. It is so unattractive and it made my heart sad, for all her faults my mother was a sweet and kind woman and she loved me. I wish in my life I had not been blind to that, and poisoned into boorish behavior.

The flip side to it is, not a whole lot about me in those Journals..... that stings a bit. especially since we were at such a distance in one time frame and were just rebuilding our relationship in the other

There were also the little glimpse of my moms inner thoughts telling herself to quit smoking and drinking it was killing her even a mention of AA. and that she longed for a spiritual awareness.

reading through the pages about liars and tapped lines, private investigators and wishes for peace.... I heard Gena's voice from Thursday night telling me that mom was never comfortable here; and that she belonged in another realm. It made sense to me when she said it, but I was actually reading her words hearing her voice, and I knew it. She talks of the Spiritual voices she hears around her all the time, I believe she really heard them.

She even mentions angels.

This last two days I feel like I am back in the hospital exhaustion and numbness. My heart is just aching. my body is numb. I could sleep for a million years, and It's 1:40 and I am still wide awake.

On the drive home I cried, I said out loud that I feel like all that I will remember is that this is the year my mother died.
Everything is tainted with it. Everything is wreaking with it. No matter the ups or downs my loss is with me in every moment.

I don't think I am ready to let go of my grief. I think I need to live with it for a while.

I think it will take me more time to process this - this will take longer then anything else I have ever dealt with....

In the meantime, I am trying to stay present to my mother's spiritual presence in my life.

Reading her words, going through her things I feel as though I understand her and I am SO MUCH LIKE HER.

I just miss her. I wish so much for a talk, for a laugh, for a hug. I spent so many years being too angry to love her like I wanted to. 

Why do we waste time that way?

living my life in a healthy way in every aspect of my life

I have been asked if I am pregnant twice in one weeks time. Oddly I am not upset, I see what I am doing to my body and I am very consciously trying to stop my impulse to stuff my face with my grievances.

Impulse control involving food has been hard for me this year, but it is definitely something i am tackling this week in creation of my possibility.

The other large thing I am working on is complaining. Negativity is been too present in my life. I am only hurting myself with my thoughts I need to re route them.

I came to the realization yesterday that all these small things or these things that i see as small, that I have been trying to get a hold on all are intertwined and connected to my need to be healthy in all senses as i am able as a human being.

I am craving a spiritual, physical, mental, emotional wellness to immerse myself in as my lifestyle. By realizing this I think that I will be able to connect and commit to what i need to do to make this wellness healthy life I want a reality.

I still do not have all the aspects figured out. But I am working on it. Will i move north? I'm not sure I will right away, but i feel like i will at some point.

The things that have been driving forces in my life..... I realized have not been serving me well. I have been expending my energy on the road to nowhere and status.

Now that I really feel I can set that aside, I know I can also give up my anger and my frustration.

In a week from now, I am going to be in San Diego packing up my mothers life. I have dreaded this for what seems like forever. But I am realizing now that in an odd way it might give me some closure.

My need to drag this process out has been for me like those last few years and especially those last few weeks.... I have been inflicting this turmoil on myself a bit because I cannot let go like she couldn't.

I know i need to now by doing what needs to be done. I cannot ever let go for good, but i think i can try to find some closure in this situation in the act.

I then plan to instill some healthy boundaries with food, exercise, and meditation.

nam myoho renge kyo.

first world problems.

Every time I have them, I remind myself and try to smile a bit.
Someone at work told me this adage, and whenever i feel like a deflated balloon I hear his southern twang in my mind and I just smile... it goes : "two tears in a bucket, muthafuckit."

So here is what is rolling around in my brain this week:

Sisters: Went out with Nicole last week, and got to the bottom of her tension. Seems like this whole relationship between my sisters is going to be a pistol to work out... Yes Doreen I hear you in my head telling me it is not my problem, but here is why I am invested.
I love my sisters. I want us all to be one unit. I am worried they will both regret their decisions later on. I want everyone to be happy and peaceful... Kumbaugh man! Just kumbaugh!!!! And I know my mom would not like the situation at all, and I feel she is watching.

Katy/Landmark: I was a total flake on my communicator status, a bunch of shit got in my way. Happiness (kiddo and sis in law registered) Technology (damned phone stopped working) Illness (felt like ish for three days think it was my new nose spray) Work (always some thing going on - wish i had a dull moment once in a while) Anyhoo my group leader seemed less then thrilled. we will see whats up tomorrow night, but as of now I sort of decided this is my last stint as a communicator because it is too damned much communication for me!

Moving: Oh where to? Found a possible position up north, tom also applied up north. Found a great condo here more then i know I can afford and live the life I want but god what I would not give for AC, a washer and dryer, and GARAGE. Plus it has a FIREPLACE and I have a huge stockings hanging over the fireplace at Christmas boner that it somewhat clouds my better judgement. My thoughts are: maybe I should just stay here until after 8th grade for Taylor. If we stay in our current place i want to move if they raise the rest again. If we move to the new place maybe I will get so fed up with my job i will quit one day and we will be screwed. Or maybe I will rock out some awesome Christmas crafts with Taylor and make it work and suck it up in my career and just be thankful - smile my way through all the bullshit events and sales and act like I give a shit about the corporate retail agenda of the "bigfancy" empire. If we move north we will be starting all over and what if does not work out, but what if it DOES. We will be far from a lot of our family, but close to my dad, step mom and sister.

Work: sort of told them i might be looking to transfer north, and I don't want a management position because I value my life more. wonder if they think I am just a big ass flake and cannot decide what to do in my life or what? Why do I give a shit what they may or may not think? these people and this place is not my LIFE, why do i continually value what they think? how my actions affect them?

My moms place: Cleaning it out at the end of the month, so not looking forward to it. thinking about getting the stuff I want to take to my house. Sad because I feel like this is the nail in the coffin.  Once my mom's space is clear it really means she is not there anymore and she is never coming back. It is a very desolate and alone feeling, especially when your two sisters are busy hating each other.

My mental state: Am I normal? is what I am going through normal? How much of my life and my decisions are a result of my grieving process right now? I cannot help but question it, because in every day I feel the grief, and it is always in the back of my mind.

Summer: despite the rumblings of my brain, still loving it. I have had some KILLER times. Loving the beach so much! Cannot wait to go back. loving the having fun part and just keeping busy and being out doors. I wish that is all I could do, I think about playing hookie every single day of my life... and I am so not a hookie girl normally. My fun with my family and friends is my escape, and I wish I had a whole summer vacation to bask in because no matter what great days off I have, I always feel like I need WEEKS. My desire to be responsible right now is at 0.
Normally responsible is like, my middle name.

Grateful: that these are my problems, not starvation, not genocide, not tsunami's or horrible weather related tragedies... knock on wood.


The words to uncle johns band - by the greatful dead: "Well the first days are the hardest days, don't you worry any more, Cause when life looks like Easy Street, there is danger at your door.
Think this through with me, let me know your mind, Wo, oh, what I want to know, is are you kind? Come hear Uncle John's Band by the riverside,Got some things to talk about, here beside the rising tide. Come hear Uncle John's Band playing to the tide,Come on along, or go alone, he's come to take his children home. Wo, oh, what I want to know, how does the song go"

Summer Lovin

Usually if you were to ask me what my favorite time of year was I would always say Autumn.

Autumn contains my favorite holiday's my birthday (yes, it's a holiday dammit!), Halloween, and thanksgiving.

For some reason though, I have been loving the summer months this year as much as a school kid on vacation.

I think one of the reason's is that this year has been so full of the some of the biggest highs, and the biggest lows in my life, and many of those high points, have been encapsulated in this season.......

 I have spent a lot of time at the beach; I feel as close as I can get to my mom there. This is so sad for me but also very healing. I spent a immensely healing time with my mom's best friend Doreen,  spent a healing weekend at home (the mountains) with one of my oldest and dearest friends & spent time in some of my favorite mountain places,  Just saw another friend that I love and do not get to see often; had great talks and beach time. :)
Had fourth of July with my hubby and friends.... & I have made some great connections and am working on really transforming some aspects of my life.

I have also decided after what seems like the whole of my life to stop hating my body or how I look and say fuck it. this has lead me to a lot of fun in the water in a bathing suit, no trunks, no t shirts or other coverings. Me, my jiggly cellulite ass and thighs are giving the world a middle finger and loving the skin I am in.

Now that doesn't mean I am still not working on loosing weight, I just am not letting my imperfectness hold me back from living; which I have been notorious for in the past.

I am loving myself more then I think i ever have, & appreciating my life and family more then ever. I cannot help that feel these things are gifts; perspective that a devastating situation has given me.

Sitting back and allowing myself to reflect and realize is good practice for me. It is good to know it is not all bad, even though that stuff sometimes feels so much more prominent.

I am trying to focus my intentions and my attention forward, to the possibilities I am creating:
New jobs, New home, Different lifestyle, Starting my own projects, maybe picking up some art, and just reconnecting with myself.

The nam myoho renge kyo has really helped with all of it, but i need to be more consistent.

Good Vibrations

I went to spend the day with my mother's best friend today. I was not really sure what to expect from the day, I just knew that ever since I had become re acquainted with her 2 years ago that I had been dying to see her again, and just talk to her and spend time.

The day was beautiful. I truly feel as though we have a spiritual connection.

I am so open to her, more so then any other human.

She invited me to this meeting tonight and before I even knew what it was I said yes.
I just feel this crazy sense of trust with her, that I cannot describe.

I went and met these beautiful people, and they shared intimate stories with me that I loved hearing.

I learned this chant Nam myoho renge kyo.

Normally I am skeptical about stuff like this..... but the vibrations just felt oddly familiar and a kind of peaceful that can only be found there.

I had some questions and the most interesting answer I had was how you do not verbalize and concentrate on your intention and you literally just focus on the chant.

Coming from a world full of holding on to intention, the description of this process feels strangely very free and enticing.

My mother's best friend made me promise to try this chanting morning and evening for 10 minutes for 30 days, and it was literally the easiest thing for me to say yes to.

I am not committing to anything right now other then giving over my life to this chant every day, twice a day for the next 30 days.

I want to see where this takes me.

Mean girls

I just realized I live in the real life, wide screen version.

I guess it is something I already knew, but never realized.

I wonder if that even makes sense?

But seriously, I live in the world of where all the bitch cheerleaders and clique girls go to die if they do not get pregnant, let themselves go, and marry an old rich man.

This is a huge part of my problem... because mean girls like a good ass licking anywhere they can find it to stroke their ego, and I am in no way an ass licker.

It does not really work out for me in some aspects.

My mother's "fuck you if you don't like it" character has in some way's hurt me and in some way's saved me.

Now all I need is a daddy warbox, to get me out of mean girls and into meaningful....

emotions running the show.

Sometimes I wonder if it will end. I think some people do not know what to make of me. That is fine I guess.

I want to be free right now. Free to explore my life. Free to create what I want. Free to be self expressed. Free to be where I want, to do what matters.

I wish so much that money was not a factor in my life.

Honestly, if I did not have any responsibility I would pack up and leave society for while.

Breathe. Re-connect. Figure stuff out. I really feel like right now I just need a break; and chance to reinvent myself and my life and the core of my existence.

dream big.

It is all I have ever done for as long as I can remember.  In 9th grade I had an art project to create a coat of arms to represent yourself; mine was filled with rainbows and clouds and the word dreamer at the top.

It is the biggest thing I can always remember knowing about myself

The people I idolize most in the whole world are dreamers.... like Marilyn Monroe, John Lennon, Adam Duritz, Yoko Ono, Jim Morrison.... now following their dreams did not always pan out, but the fearlessness of thier tenacity to follow their dreams inspires me.

I am in awe all the time of people who do this everywhere. I love to "follow"  them through social media... check on them from time to time watch for a "follow your dreams tip" to pick up and learn.... and take off myself.

I find most often then not it is the naysayers that kill my dreams. In my head I am shackled by them fighting for freedom.

The naysayers have been present for as long as I can remember. It started with my dad, grew to be people around me too. Friends, society, my sister, even my own husband.

The naysayers are hard to give up. That is the reason it hard to be fearless. In this aspect I am painfully human, and not at all like my idols.

So I adapt .... focus on turning the naysayers to my side. It's like I am Jerry Maguire, only I have 500 gold fish in my bag and I am screaming at everyone I love "dream with me!"  Turning people to dream and take a leap of faith is about as hard as turning Vader away from the dark side.

Besides... I am like a human cornucopia of possibilities and aspirations, I have found that makes it even harder for the naysayers to believe in you; to ride the dream train along side you.

Since my mom died, my soul has been screaming from within to drive the dreamers train off into the sunset..... my biggest problem is I want to fill it with a bunch of naysaying, hitchhiking, loved ones that I can just light up on the road..... & one fellow dreamer that is distracted by her own cornucopia. ...

What's a girl to do? I am DYING to LIVE. How crazy is that?

I am.

Went to dinner with Tom's grandma and while there I started to notice all these funny things. Like, all the elderly people there knew the names of the servers and knew about thier lives a little. They appreciated them.

I thought it sad that our generation and onward are not really like that. To us people outside our circle are disposable. They are mearly nameless, faceless, servers.

How sad we are so dehumanized.

Came home and got the itch to read my Tarot cards. At the end, decided to read an old note fron my mom written in the back of the book.

All of a sudden I came to a huge realization.  I am a lot like my mom.

She felt everything 100% more so then I think the average person does.

So do I. I have always given myself such a hard time for it.

My mother always wrote things down. How she felt, what happened, what it was like.

She poured her love, her pain, her life on pages everywhere. ... any where she could write them.

This blog, is an extension of how I too have always done that.

No matter the time or distance. ... my mother flows through my veins, beats in my heart, and has always lived within me.

It is a comfort and a great sadness to realize that all at the same time.

mom #2

so yesterday my mom was in a terrible car accident my step mom that is.

I'm struggling with being miles and miles away from the situation and not being able to be there to keep everybody's head level I'm also struggling with the fact that my dad is a selfish selfish person I mean I love the guy but he's so selfish he's the most self centered person I've ever met in my life.

my mom my step mom I mean rolled my dads truck yesterday on the way to work we think that there was a deer that darted out on the road and that she pulled off on the shoulder to avoid the deer and had some loose gravel make her tires slide into a boulder which propelled her to flip the truck over she lost consciousness she doesn't really remember what happened and the only thing she knows is that a jogger was screaming in the window at herto give him her arm so he can pull out of the passenger side window.

so I know the only vehicle that my parents collectively had together is now ruined but to me its just a vehicle and this is my step mom the woman that raised me the woman that takes care of everyone holds our family together meanwhile my dad is worrying about you know getting a brand new car because he needs one and going on a vacation in September that he shouldn't even be thinking about right now and going to a high school reunion next weekend I'm like what the f*** like seriously why aren't you worried about my mom she's laying in a hospital bed and a cardiac unit of the hospital 200 miles away from your house if she got airlifted to buy a f****** helicopter and her face is probably swollen up and bruised and he's worried about vacation cars money I don't get it I love my dad but he's crazy and I wish I could be there so I can protect my step mom from the ass and I've actually found myself praying to my mom who passed away a few months ago today to be there with my step mom and protect her from my crazy ass dad I love my dad don't get me wrong but he's so selfish and self centered I don't know what he gets that from I don't know where he gets it from I don't know why he is that way if it was him in the hospital keep in accident he wouldn't be worried about all the stuff in if anyone else was worried about it he be pissed so I don't understand why he so concerned about the stupid things that don't matter I'm worried about whether or not my step moms going to be OK is she going to be on disability for a long time and there are they going to be able to pay their bills later and she going to be able to rest and relax of the without my dad harping and whining at her I've even thought of having her move here and giving up my bed with my husband sleeping on the couch or something or putting a bed in my living room just so she can recover away from my dad how sad is that like I guess I should be working on my landmark forum homework right now because this is definitely some sort of breakdown I know it and I don't know how the hell to get out of it i guess i just have to wait to see what the doctors say...

Fyi god. You can stop testing me now. Just cause i am strong enough to handle what i have been through, does not mean I deserve it.

when does being over it really count?

I feel like I've been having such a hard time lately just disconnecting from the things that frustrate me.
Everything that I want seems so far for my reach sometimes and the things that I have that I know logically in my mind that I need seems so it to be so frustrating I find myself day in and day out wishing for a different life I find myself day in and day out trying to convince myself that the things that I have that I'm sick of are worth it.I want to be rid of a really things I need and trying to tell myself to be thankful for them I feel like sometimes I'm just a spoiled little American brat who should be thanking my lucky stars that I have food in my tummy and a roof over my head. sometimes the things that I go through in and out of my daily life seems so unnecessary to me and I don't understand why I put myself through them and then I find myself reminding myself oh I'm doing this so I can have food I'm doing this so I can have shelter I'm doing this so I can support my child and if I didn't do these things then I wouldn't have these things and other days I just don't seem to care about the fact that it supports me and I wish that I could just do whatever it is that I want to do since my mom died I really AM starting to see the world around me I feel like for the first time I see things that are so unnecessary but I always thought were like the pinnacle of the universe but at the same time I see how they are the pinnacle of my universe and I hate it but there's a million people in the world that don't even have the things that I have so how can I hate it how can I be in so I'm grateful for everything that I have how can I not want to live this life that I'm living how do I find a way to be balanced so that I can live the life that I'm living and support my child and have food on the table and a roof over my head and the things I need but also be doing something that feeds my soul and not worrying about planning my life around as sale, a holiday that needs to have people all over the country coming in to spend money that's unnecessary on things we don't need or an event that you know is so important in my world but really in the scheme of things of the world its not important at all but when I say things like this to people the people in my life the people that are surrounding me they look at me like I have three heads like I'm crazy and I keep questioning myself am I crazy am I just thinking these thoughts because I'm going through some crazy grief process that I don't understand I am I thinking these thoughts because I'm fed up with the things I've gone through day in and day out year after year week after week month after month and I'm just fed up with it and I need to move on am I just never truly happy do I never want to be happy do I like being stressed out do I like being bummed out do I like being frustrated am I learning nothing through all these classes I've been taking because I feel like I keep going back to square one the place where I started I feel like sometimes in the day I can tell that I've grown so much out of the education I followed and then the next minute I feel like I'm back where I started before I even did it and I don't know why that is I mean maybe it's part of being human and maybe that's what I'm frustrated with this being human because I have such a strong desire to do and believe the incredible things and I'm instead stuck under LED lighting and air conditioning recycled air with people that all they care about is material things and price tags and events in sales and what's hot on a trend for clothing and makeup then what Kim Kardashians wearing and what song is hot on the radio and right now I just feel so disconnected from that stuff like how do people care about this s*** and why all of a sudden do I feel like I don't belong here and how for so long that I feel like I did and how do you express that to somebody like how do you go home at night and tell your husband that you're in the wrong place in your life and you don't know what to do how do you go to tell people that you don't want to be here anymore but you don't want to lose the things that come with being here I wish this is the one time but I really wished somebody was reading this blog because I need some words of wisdom right now I really wish somebody could hear these thoughts but I'm just putting on this page was hoping to leave them here and could look at me and give me an answer or make it better or tell me everything is going to be OK or they understand I just wish for once that I could feel like somebody understands me because sometimes I don't even understand myself and I don't seem to have a problem telling people how I feel but everyone seems to have a problem with hearing how I feel like what I'm saying doesn't make any sense into me when I'm saying it it makes perfect sense when the fact that I give actually out up I feel like everybody just wants to see you smile and hear you're OK and that you don't need any help and that you know everything's fine down some of the closest people in my life I feel that way like my parents my best friend my family everybody wants to see you smile and hear a positive attitude everybody wants to have an optimistic outlook nobody wants to hear that this doesn't work in this is why and that this isn't working for you anymore that's why and nobody wants to hear that somebody needs a break or they need someone to take over for them these are the things that nobody wants to hear and so nobody listens I can easily express my feelings there just never well received that's how I feel right now I can easily tell you what I don't want and what I do want but I can't tell you how I got where I'm at what I'm doing here and why I've been here for so long and how I've been able to stand all this time before now

normally i would say

That i am pretty well adjusted emontially. But lately i have been starting to wonder if i need mental help? Dealing with.the death of my mom is a lot harder then i thought it would be.

Social Media is the new Gravesite

At least for me it is. I cannot tell you how many time's I have visited you out here. How many messages I have sent. It's the one extension of you that still remains to be only yours.

I have spent so many minutes thinking if I am the only one who does this, or if I am crazy or what.

The result, I assume is similar then sitting at a head stone. You talk, you cry, you just are there.... all the while you wonder if the person  you are "visiting" is there to?

I'm a big believer in the afterlife. I am a big believer in ghost's. But since the dream where you were telling me to get up, and I didn't I cannot help but feel you have gone away.

It is so selfish I know to want to keep you here with me, but part of me just doesn't care.

It is so crazy to actually say this, but I think it all the time so here it goes: everything sucks without you. I don't care about the things I used to the way I did before. I don't know if I ever will.

I really hate the whole damn thing.

I miss you. I keep telling myself to buck up and stop saying that shit, but it just doesn't work.

I keep saying to myself, I hardly ever saw you when you here anyway. I keep trying to remember hard times, but all I keep thinking of are the precious moments that are locked inside my heart.

If I had a million dollars, I would hire the long island medium so I can just have one last conversation with you again.

It seems stupid, but it's how I feel. I feel so alone in this, I wish I didn't. But you know Gena deals with things differently and Nicole has just checked out period.

Circumstances do not change the people we are. I wish I could just take you in my pocket and take off for a year to all the places you wanted to go.

I wish I knew if these thoughts or these feelings are ever going to end.

I wish I knew that someday I am not going to forget about you. Because I don't want to.

"you are the sun, you are the rain, that makes my life this foolish game.... you need to know, I love you so, and I'd do it all again and again..."





http://youtu.be/Gg6sVDcJdhk

mother's day

It was the first mother's day today since my mom passed away.
It is odd, because the last few years I honestly had not even spent mothers day with my mom, but just the meaning of the day creeps in your brain, and by the end of the day makes you feel like you lived a thousand lives in that one day.

I thought a lot about those last three weeks, and how without even thinking I pretty much just dropped my entire life and lived for my mother. I went on a motorcycle ride and as I was told I was going 80MPH, my smile disappeared and all I could think is this is how it felt for my mom to be on a bipap.

I tried to explain the electric feeling the night my mom died, and the spirits in the fog, and got a little hurt when my experience was belittled with explanation..... but then realized that most likely it was a defense mechanism of the other person and I don't have to make it mean a thing other then that I can believe whatever I want. My experience is what I believe.

I listened to someone others recent experience's and  even assured one they were not crazy and I believed it... because I do.

I spent time with family and friends. Had a few very  short honest conversations with my sister... which I hope continue. If she would just quiet her brain long enough to listen more... that will help.

I cried on my drive home, sung on my drive home, remembered my mom singing, and vowing not to stop until she died.

I miss her damned stubborn fighting spirit and that is the honest truth.

On the day's I miss my mother most, I damn the day's I was cursing her stubborn bullheaded attitude and I just wish, I would have loved her more.

But there I am putting my past in my future by doing that right there aren't I? and here I am putting words on the page, letting go.

Today I really realized I am coming into my own more then I ever have in my whole life.

And I can say whatever I want, think whatever I want, about my mom, but good or bad my experiences with her have largely contributed to the person I am, and the person I am discovering.

She loved me and I know that, in the midst of the sadness I feel when I miss her... knowing that she loves me gives me a solid foundation to cling to.

Like a raft in an ocean, that one fact saves me in the middle of my darkest thoughts, and my saddest times.

Happy mother's day momma. Wherever you are, I hope you have peace, and happiness and all the love you could wish for.

xoxoxox

bittersweet day

Sending your loved one off to the forum after a long struggle to get them there is a little bittersweet.
I am so excited my husband is going, but at the same time I am a little sad that I am not going....

Also him going off to the forum reminds me of my time at my mothers house in san diego.
And how she was so excited to pack me a lunch, and was awake every night when I came home and was excited to visit with me. Although my time with my mom then was so very short, it was the best time I had with her since I was a child.

I really miss her.

P.S.

been forgetting to write this down. Saw mom in a dream again the other night. It was dark, I was sleeping, I was so utterly exhausted I could barley open my eyes to look at her when she shook me. She was trying to get me up, telling me we needed to go. she needed to talk to me. I kept mumbling that I was too tired, I would later, but she just persisted. she would shake me, she would call me, finally she looked disappointed and left.

Will she ever come back I wonder?

I hope so. Next time I have to remind myself that I have to get up, and go with her to wherever she takes me.

Come back mom.....

leap of faith

it is hard to take a leap of faith for me, especially if it pertains to some kind of self transformation. But for the last 11 years of my life my former size 10 self has been quietly pleading in the background to resurface.
I run the excuses conversation and the acceptance conversation with myself day and night to muffle her pleas, and after talking to a friend, I decided.... enough is enough.

My friend has decided to be my partner in creating this transformation.
I know I am going to get some criticism because I can already hear my own inside my head, but I have to take a chance because I have so much I want to do.... and the size 18 me just cannot do it all.

If i can do this, I will really prove to myself that I can do anything.... and just maybe my business will be created, established, and become my action... not just my dreams.

I am writing this down to hold myself accountable in my leap, so that when I get to the cliffside, and decide it's too high, and that I really do not want to jump.... I will read this and my size 10 self will push me off of that cliff and on to my transformation.

I think I forgot why I started this in the first place for a minute.

I was driving home this morning and thinking about this blog. It occurred to me today that I think I have forgotten the point of this project.

I started this blog to get my creative juices flowing, at one point I actually was a pretty good writer....
But instead for the most part I feel like this thing has turned out to be my own personal bleeding heart sort of journal.... and no one is reading any how. That part is ok with me, but I really am trying to figure out if this thing is helping me.

It has been helping me in the sense I get to lay it all on the line, I get to say how I feel and what is on my mind and leave it on the page. It has really been years since I have been able to truly do that. I think a lot of that has not only to do with the writing but the growth I have really been doing as a person in my classes. It is incredible to really be able to let go.

I know that there are several times throughout this blog I will write in regards to the same subject (example my mom) over and over. But it does not mean I am letting go every time I write. I am letting go of what ever I am writing that day. If the subject re-appears in a string of post's then it is something that I am going to continue to deal with for a space of time.

So I guess after thinking about it, I have decided that I do want to get more creative in my writing.... I just need to work on it. But, I don't want to give up on the snippets of my life and my day to day either... Those honest, raw, and really personal thoughts have really become what "snippets" really is....

I do not know if I will ever gain an audience here, or even if I want one. I started this blog for me, and it will continue to be for me.

Once I nail down the creative portion of my writing side... I guess it would be nice to have feedback... but whatever happens, I am perfectly ok right where I am....

dreams, thoughts, heart ache

It is in the quiet of the night that you fill my thoughts, when my heart aches because the world is quiet and there is nothing more to distract me. Last night I dreamed I was watching a video of you laughing. It was your birthday many years from now.... you were with Grandma Irene and you both were so old, I just remember being so confused.... and then a little angry. I felt like I was left out of the biggest secret on earth, and that you must still be here.  

Last week I dreamed You were young and beautiful and that you were chasing a five year old me on these old world cobblestone streets in Italy. These beautiful burgandy buildings lined the roads and we were giggling and you were chasing me as I hid around the corners of these buildings. This scene took place on top of the clouds above me and I watched until I just could not stand it anymore and I cried out for you as tears streamed down my face... "Mom! I love you! Mom! I miss you" All of a sudden you just stopped in your tracks, like you had awoken from some dream. You looked down with a worried expression on your face and you sighed. You said "I love you too baby."

Two day's after you died I saw you in meditation. You smiled at me, you held my hand... we walked to the beach together, we sat down and just held hands and watched the surf in silence. The mood felt light and free until I had to come back and then  I threw my arms around you and held on, but I just could not stay.

I wish I knew what it all meant.

 I wish I knew where you are. 

I wish I could explain this thing that I feel, and I could justify my feelings sometimes.

I wish I knew why sometimes I try to remember bad times, just so I won't miss you so much...

I wish I could be there for my child in her pain and allow her to see mine without worrying how it will affect her.

I wish I did not have to be strong, and go on sometimes. I just wish I could pick up the phone and call and hear stories about the dog, and the cleaning lady, and about family.

All those meaningless seeming conversations that seemed so hard to fit in to my schedule now are the thing I miss the most. That, and your laugh. 

I wish I could sleep. 

I wish I could see you healthy, see you smile and be happy. Hug you and hold you and just tell you that I love you, and I always have. I know you know it, but I just wish I could tell you.

I know it goes without saying, but I miss you so. I would take back my worst days with you right now just to have you here... in these dark, quiet nights I would really take anything.

mind tricks.

Last Saturday evening my moms best friend was talking about her last conversation with her on the phone.
It was the last conversation my mom ever had.
She told me my mom said " I wish I could find a way out of this." Hearing that broke my heart, and also reminded me I heard her say that into the phone.... but had blocked it out until the story was retold to me.

Now it is all I can hear. In my days as I push through life.... in the quiet of the night instead of sleep.

The confirmation that my mother did not want to die.... was not ready to die.... is killing me.

missing you my momma.

So much has happened in the last three weeks. I never expected to feel the way I have.

A few weeks ago I saw my mom in a guided mediation. She smiled at me and held my hand. We just kept looking at each other through the grass and smiled. Eventually we got up and walked through the meadow, through the trees, and out onto this beach, where we sat quietly and looked over the ocean. When it came time to go I through my arms around her and said I did not want to, she just said "but you have to." And that was that.

A few days later she came to Taylor in a dream. and Taylor hugged her, she woke up crying.

Since then life for me has been an emotional roller coaster.
I have been trying so hard to move on, to not hold back in life or in opportunity. To fiercely live, as I now truly understand now how fleeting life is and I am determined to live, and not have regrets. But it is hard when everyday I just want to sleep all day and dream about my mom.

I know she was never the perfect mother. But I also know she loved me and I miss her.
I cannot help how I feel. I just wish I could talk to her, just one more time. It is not because I have anything important to say... or any business with her left unfinished. It is just because I miss her, I want to just hear her laugh one more time, just have one more hour to talk about nothing to talk about anything.

Yesterday, I sat at her memorial and listened and watched the dolphins swim by as Doreen talked and really for the most part, I was fine. I am strong in front of others. It is in my own thoughts and alone time where I am weak, where I am despondent, where I am so sad. In this way, I think I am much as my mother was.
I keep thinking back to the time she lost her own mother. I do not think I ever saw her cry. She was in so much pain, and lonely. I refused to see it. I was selfish and I treated her poorly. Even worse, I thought I had the right to.

I am so sorry for that. I so wish I could take that back. I hope she knows that. I know she knows I love her. I know we all do bad things sometimes, but I wish so much I could change it.

Even in the times as I drove in silence to San Diego for the umteinthmillionth time it seemed and I silently prayed this was the end... I only wished for her suffering to end, that is all. I only wished for mine to end too, I did not realize then, mine is only beginning.

Mom, I wish I could tell you a hundred times over. I love you, I miss you. I see your smile when I close my eyes, and hold your laughter in my heart. I'm so sorry for any hurt I ever made you feel. I always loved you from the top of my heart to the bottom, and I always will.

hospital dreams

every night since last Wednesday, I dream I am sitting at my mother's bedside in that last hospital room.

The dreams are so real that when I wake up, I still think I am there, it always takes me 30 seconds or more to register that I am in my bed and that my mom is gone.

Last night tom said I talked about it in my sleep, he said I didn't want anyone to know where we were. when he asked where we were? I said "In the hospital with my mom, because maybe she will get better" and drifted back off to sleep.

Seems my dreams let go of the secret hope I held in my heart those three weeks. As logical as my head is, despite my silent prayers to end my mom's suffering.... my heart wished she would get better again.

Yesterday one of my sister's were driving me crazy with her controlling tendency's and I went to my phone to call my mom so I could talk to her about it and realized I couldn't.

I told Taylor "I wish grandma were here so I could complain to her."

I'm starting my life again today, it feels so foreign to go back to work and life. It feels so weird to make my life about me right now.

I miss you mom.

3/13/13

It is funny how all the little details fall into place. The date, the amount of us there are (siblings), the time of day and the way it related to my mom's life, the fog that seemed to envelope the world after and the feeling that the spirit of my mother and her guides were just beyond my vision within the fog.

We started out the morning on a second day with little to no sleep. Mom had been sleeping and non responsive since noon the day before. I spent most of the night holding her hand, studying her face, and crying in the dark as I remembered her recounting a similar experience from when my grandma Irene had died just days before.  I finally layed down on the futon in the room around 2 am. I woke up often to make sure she was still breathing by asking my sister Nicole because the breath's were shallow and intermittent.

I woke up right around 5 am. Mom had a fever of about 102, her breath was shallow and irregular. I texted my other sister Gena, who was sleeping in a hotel room down the street.

Mom had made such an odd gasping noise throughout the night. It made me worry so much that she really was in pain. It made me worry that she was not really ready to die and that maybe we were making a mistake and should turn back.

Gena and Wade came in around 6 with McDonalds coffee. We sat around and talked for a while. I kept a firm grip on mom's hand for most of that time. I was always reluctant to leave her side.

Finally about 9ish Gena convinced me, Nicole, & Jamie to go shower. We were reluctant until the day nurse Desire told us we would be okay to have about a hour of time to go shower.

Off we went to Walmart. Shopping for clean clothes in the most surreal way. I do not think there has ever been a time in my life that I have shopped more out of necessity and with such time management.
I do not think that there has ever been a time in my life that I have shopped that way, but I just feared we would miss it and wanted to get back to my moms bedside.

Early that morning my sisters had taken my mother's jewelry off of her while I had been making a phone call and using the restroom and I chosen to take her watch with her energy on it. I could not get the darn thing off to take a shower and I had to ask for help, but got it off and then showered for the first time in two days while I cried to myself.

Once dressed and ready to go we stopped at Arbys for some food and then headed back.

Mom had been much the same as when we left, gave her more Adivan for the anxiety to help lower her heart rate and cold packs and a tylenol supository to bring down her fever.

Throughout the day our faithful palletive nurse Shelly, who has been dealing with our family for more then two weeks kept stopping by to check on us.

The Chaplian came in around 3 and asked us to tell her a few things about my mom. The thing I chose to share was her giving spirit and that fact that she would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it and you never left her house hungry. I also agreed that she was a good cook. The description made me reflect on times when she used to invite me and tom over for dinner when we were young, and when she had made me lunch for the landmark forum in October.

We then gathered around her bed and said tearful prayers led by the Chaplin.
The Chaplin blessed her with annoited oil from Jeruselum on her forehead, hands, feet, and lips.

I forget exactly what she said when she  blessed her lips but it was something to the affect of these lips that have spoken words of kindness, words of love, words of anger. Not really sure why but it struck a cord with me, and I cried. I kept thinking of the previous day when the chapin had come and my mom asked her if she could hear the man's voice? She stopped to listen, and said she could not quite make out what he was saying to her and how it was strange when that happened. Later that day she fell asleep talking to an old friend who was chanting with her by phone and never woke up again.

While we were standing around for this blessing all I could think was how much my mother was suffering and how I wish I could make it better for her or make it stop. I said a silent prayer that she would stop suffering. I wondered if this blessing is what she was waiting for, and after I blessed her heart with the oil from the chaplin I whispered to her that I loved her, kissed her forehead and told her silently it was okay to let go.

The hours after seemed long. I am not sure when but sometime after I had gotten back from our shower I painted her nails a pretty red/pink because her hands were turning blue and her nail beds looked so dreadful and sick, I just wanted her to feel pretty no matter what. It was all I could think to do. Those hours after the blessing I sat with her as much as I could, I held her hand. I studied her face, her hands, her arms, her hair..... I just tried to absorb the memory of my mom as much as I could.

Nicole and I tried to think what it could be she was holding on for, Nicole thought maybe Val. She told Gena and she called him so he could sing to her and talk to her in her headset. We knew she could hear him because her body made little reactions. throughout the day her eyes teared her eyebrows furrowed she made small movements... I like to think she knew everything that was happening.

I prayed a million silent prayers to make her suffering end. I whispered in her ear to please come back and visit me and Taylor as a bird or a butterfly. To please let us know it was her.

Her breathing became unbearably labored. She started to gurgle a lot. My heart was breaking, it was aching for it to end for her because I hated her to suffer.

Gena wanted to try to roll her on her side to get the fluid out and suction but she couldn't get it. We decided to move her, to reposition her and try again. Nicki came in and was more successful with the suction. We had the iphone headphones in my moms ear playing pandora. Nat king cole's love. Then I played what kind of fool for her on you tube. I wanted to sing to her but felt weird in a room full of people. I watched that video while Nicki suctioned because I hate looking at that stuff. Then I noticed it was getting dark and said something about mom keeping her regular hours up.

I looked at the darkness meeting the twilight outside and I said, Mama It's almost dark outside, you have to get up there are a lot of people waiting to see you. We started naming them off. My mom's eyes shot open all of a sudden, she looked to the left like she was looking out the window.... maybe she was looking at me I do not know. 

Then her eyes looked at all of us and we all three told her it was ok to go, that we would be ok. She took one final deep breath, and exhaled her eyes went over to the corner and just went dead and stared straight ahead. I knew that was it.... even though I was holding her hand and could feel a very weak pulse I knew she was gone. I heard Nicole say, she's gone.

The rest became a whirlwind. Crying, hugging, worrying about John. More crying. I heard her as I stood at the end of her bed say, Kimberly the way she only does. 

Some talking, some laughing. I kept stroking her hands and arm her arms still felt warm.

In the hour after she died she looked better then she had alive in days. her color got better, her swelling went down, she looked at peace, she had no wrinkles. She was so young.

Eventually I sat down in the floor at the foot of the bed on a pillow. I thought about taking her hospital bracelet home. I still did not feel the total weight of it. 

An hour or more went by and we started to gather our things to leave. we all took our turns kissing her forehead goodbye, I asked her not to forget to visit me and Taylor. As I turned to walk out the door I took one glance backward and I said, goodbye mom, I love you, I will miss you. Wade said, she is not there anymore, and I shook my head in agreement and walked out the door.

I felt lost. I could not find my car in the parking garage, I could not get Tom on the phone. I sat in the parking lot of the mexican food place across the street crying with Taylor over the phone.

Went in, ate a taco, had a drink.

Drove to nicole's in this crazy thick fog that rolled in while at the resturant. It was totally clear when my mom died then this eery supernatural fog covered the world a couple hours later.

I cried and talked to my mom most of my drive. I cannot even know how many times I said i miss you, I love you. Got to Nicki's alone in the dark, the doggie Max came to be with me. The birds were awake even though it was almost midnight. I thought my mom might be in the cockatiel because she was right on the front of the cage looking at me.

When Nicole came we had a smoke and a drink and a soft cry. A recap of events.

Then we watched TV with Jamie. Around 12:45 I went to bed, but first pulled my mom's Pajama shirt from my car and stared into the fog down the road. I could not help but feel my mom was out there with other spirits watching me but that they were just beyond my vision.

Went upstairs curled up with my moms shirt and cried myself to sleep.

Had weird crying hospital dreams.

Woke up crying. put mom's shirt on and left.

Been crying all day. The loss of my mom is breaking my heart. I wish I could see her just one more time and kiss and hug her. Hear her say "Kimberly, it's your mother"

I have barley thought of anything else to day. I do not know when I will. Going back to my life seems impossible because I am so sad. I do not know what the next few weeks holds for me.

the end

"This is the end, my only friend the end..."

It is weird how songs creep up in my mind for diffrent situations.

sitting with my mom while she goes through the process of dying has been a whirlwind of emotions, and thoughts.

I have cried, forced myself to show as little emotion as possible because I did not want anyone to think I was weak, I have laughed, I have worried, I have felt guilt.

I keep wondering how much she knows or feels, is this really what she wanted? or now that we are here, if she is pissed in my lack of faith that she could mind over matter her body.

All the times I just wished for this misery to end,
not only for me but for her ..... and here we are and my heart is broken. my soul is weak. I do not knowI will ever recover..... I know the sadness and helplessness my own mother felt when she lost hers.

I wish I knew better what the right thing was to do, but I dont.

Purgatory

It's where I have been living or the last two weeks.

Nothing has really changed, I have been going back and forth to San Diego everyday and revolving my entire life around my mom and her care.

At this point, she has been released into skilled nursing and then re-admitted through the ER back into the hospital in about 32 hours time and now resides in the Acute care floor of Grossmont right down the hall from where she was before.

I feel like we have come full circle, and almost like we are right back at square one.

She is weak, and listless.... barley breathing. Literally it takes her whole body just to breathe.
It is crazy.

Between the respiratory issues and the addiction my mom has to narcotics. I feel like we are fighting a loosing battle.

My mom in the times she has been coherent says she is not going to die and will be fighting to live, and in the next breath will ask for excessive amounts of morphine or whatever pain med's she can get.  That is definitely a frustrating experience from the outside looking in.

I think in the myriad of emotions that I have experienced in the last two weeks, some of the most difficult have been grappling with wishing she wouls just die already, and wanting to go back to my life.

It seems so selfish to me to want to go back to my weight loss plan, yoga class, and even my work. But then my little devil on my shoulder that my mom has probably never in her life spent a more selfless two weeks on my behalf herself, so really it's a catch 22.

I wish I could say I was really benefiting for this experience, or that I was really learning something, that I knew where this all will take me.... but I don't.

The only thing I can say, is that this experience has forced me to take a good hard look at myself, and my life.

I have seen the error of my ways in judging someone else's life in a work situation when I really have no idea what they may or may not be going through. And now I will be less judgmental there.

I value my husband more, he has so stepped up to the plate for me here and I realize he loves me and I am important to him, and other smaller issues can be worked on,

I value my life more, and my happiness more then ever before. I won't ever smoke again, I want to get healthy to enjoy a long and happy life, I want to remind myself to be more thankful for the things in my life, and worry less about money and more about what makes me truly happy and just be with the important and inspiring people that I have in my life and that I love.

Just gotta dig myself out of purgatory first.

Whatever happens with my mom, I know I am complete with her. I know I do not want her to suffer. I do hope she passes pretty quick here for the good of everyone because I just do not see a better alternative to that.

If she does not, it will be really hard for me to stay in limbo, eventually I just have to move on.

week of hell recap

Things took a grave turn last Saturday when my mother needed to be re-intebated.
We were told several times over for days that if we took the tube out she would die within a hour or two and we could Treache her, but it probably would not be the greatest choice and would not prolong her life much. We wrestled with this decision until Thursday, then took the tube out. My mother lived through the night. the next night we sat up with her watched movies and sang jazz after a long fight over hospice care. The next day we were forced to look at hospice once again because the situation is worse, another disagreement... no resolution.
Here we are on Monday, two sisters are never speaking again from the disagreements and mom is alive. Dr's are saying she is still getting worse but she says she is not dying and she is not going to hospice. At this point she is lucid enough for the doctors to let her make the decisions so for the moment I cannot do a thing but go back to work and try not to worry.
The doctors have all said she has a week, maybe two to live and maybe they are right. But then again maybe they are wrong too, they certainly were about her living more then an hour or two of intebation... so we will see.

thoughts about mom

I guess I am glad I was up this late. Just got a text from John that my mom seemed to be struggling in her breathing and was asking him to bring her inhaler to the hospital, to please call to check on her.

So after a few days of purposely being busy in my life (it is what I do in this situation, I just engross myself in everything else so I don't have to feel it, so I don't have to be scared)<--- and can I just say wow, that is true transformation right there? I just admitted something I never dared to utter aloud before not even to myself.

anyhow, called the hospital, and they are giving her a breathing treatment, and some adivan to relax her. Her nurse was a super nice guy actually. Just talking to him and listening to him explain the situation is somewhat relieving. It made me glad he is there tonight to take care of her.

And here comes the part where I silently ask myself why I am not? Because I answer myself I have my reasons. Work, Life, My child - she does not feel well, my responsibilites, I need to work out, I need to go grocery shopping, I need to make dinner for my husband tomorrow, I need to get Taylor ready for her first dance, I'm tired because I cannot sleep because I am worried. (If that is not irony right there not really sure what is) For reasons I have many answers, but as for my responsibility to my mom I have few.

It is hard for me to even define it to myself. I have made good with her after the forum, don't get me wrong. I am not angry anymore.

I just do not know that I can drop my life every time I think she is going to die because those times have come so often the last few years.
These periods are so emotionally draining for me, I think I have adapted this behavior of hiding to protect myself. Because I am the person who will feel things so deep that they nearly kill me, and I cannot afford to loose control. I have too many things to be responsible for.

I don't want to cry, I don't want to be scared. I don't want her to die. I hate that I had to forgive her after she was already so sick.

Why couldn't have that come sooner so I could have enjoyed her? When we could have done things? when we could stay up talking all night? When maybe she could listen, when maybe I could hear her?

I know when my mom does die, part of me is going to die right along with her...
Because I know I won't only be mourning the loss of my mom, but the loss of the things I wish I could of have had. The small happy memories I have are so far away. The painful sad ones are too close to the present.

It makes me want to wrap myself up in a blanket with a Lionel Richie record and forget I ever had to think these thoughts in the first place.

I hate this, it makes me so sad.



Early Winter - Gwen Stefani

day two of crappy sleep....

second night in a row I woke from a dream this time about my other grandma who has passed, Elaine.  I woke up sobbing; Or actually my husband woke me to try to console me and reassure me I was only dreaming.

my real mom is back in the hospital. She has heart problems, fluid in her lungs, on her way to kidney failure......


every time she goes, I try to prepare myself for the end. (I can hear Jim Morrison now.... "This is the end")

last night Taylor cried herself to sleep. she told me she doesn't want to loose another grandma.
broke my heart.


my sub conscious is really bugging me right now.

But, time moves on, life moves on.

Dreaming hidden concerns

I had horrible sleep last night. You know how sometimes something is bothering you deep down and so you are not aware of it and then you kind of dream about it, and it makes you present to the fact that your worried about it?

I think what is going on here. I tossed and turned all night long. I had a dream about my Grandma Judy, who passed away last year. I don't really remember what all the dream entailed but I was back at her funeral reading the speech from my brother, and then I was apologizing to her for not calling and avoiding calling because of not wanting to talk to my stupid uncles and aunts, and being mad that she let them always run her ragged. I know at some point in this dream she was there, and that I felt the loss of my step mom.

I woke up crying, and cried for what seemed like at least a half hour, I just could not stop.
Then I thought of my little cousin and I felt like I needed to check up on her. I sent her a face book message, asking how she was and asking her to keep in touch. I worry about that girl...

I finally got back to sleep about an hour and fifteen minutes later.

Then I went a long with my day.

As I was leaving work, I got a text from my step mom. In the body of the text there was discussion about stress due to never making ends meet. I instantly felt bad for her, because I remember all too well how much that sucks and how it feels.

I sent her a quick note, but then decided to call.

We talked, not really about anything important. I mentioned being tired due to my terrible night of sleep, and my dream. That's when I realized what all that tossing and turning and dreaming was about and I got chocked up again. I am worried about her.

The same people that ran my grandma into her grave and running her there as well, and then there is the stress with my dad and his verbal abuse. Worrying about her makes me mad, me sick, makes me feel guilty. Because my dad is caught up in that whole mess too.

I know I cannot be everything to everyone. I know I have come a long way in terms of stress and how things affect me. But there is a piece of me that will always want to be everything to everyone. To be the fixer, the doer, the organizer, the "responsible one."

I want to scoop her up and save her before I lose her, and I can't. so even if I am not worrying on the surface all the time. I'm worrying somewhere buried deep down in my heart.

My love for people, knows no boundaries within myself no matter how hard I try to teach it different.

not sure the day anymore

not a whole lot of time has passed, since last I wrote but I feel like a lot has happened.
loosing weight can be a little obsessive. I have lost eleven pounds, I am so happy but I am all ready stratigizing about how I can loose twenty by the end of February. a little crazy, I know... but I want it so bad this time for me.



I started my class, the first two sessions I wasnt sure what I was getting out of it. Now I do see the value, but don't really feel like I have popped that great big Landmark cherry yet. Great thing is, I am ok where I am and being back in the game helps to restore that sense of calm and bring me back to center. Not that I ever really lost my sense of whatever I got from the orginal course but, life makes you swerve from time to time and when it does it throws off your alignment.
going back to class, is like going to the mechanic.

In my great weight loss obsession, I am considering an herbal weight loss boost. Part of me wonders if I am so desperate to keep  this momentum up that makes this seem viable ..... or if I actually can and will do this.

We will have to wait and see. possible milkshkes ahead. Stay tuned.....