2013 the year my mother died

It has been three days since I have had any decent rest, maybe more. Although I had some REM hours last night, I feel like my soul was on the hunt to fix something. So no rest.

I went down to mom and John's Thursday night and left this afternoon. Came home and continued going through everything.

Gena was there when I got there Thursday, and we got right to work. we are pretty good at staying on task together. Late in the evening or early in the morning we finally had a little time to talk. I feel like she is right about us, she knows me more then I expect.

I got to talk about what I have been going through, but I do not think I was a very good listener.

Gena was like the guru of wisdom that day I swear. I told her about the last dream I had about mom and she had the perfect answer. That mom was telling me to wake up in life, she is here. I think she is right about that, physical absence is just so painful... spiritual presence just does not compare.

We talked about me feeling bad for treating mom poorly, and she was quick to ask me if i wished I had more time with mom in a healthy relationship. Of course I do. I got a really good glimpse of that today reading a few letters I mailed my mom when I was a teenager. I was so rude and nasty, my anger just wreaks. It is so unattractive and it made my heart sad, for all her faults my mother was a sweet and kind woman and she loved me. I wish in my life I had not been blind to that, and poisoned into boorish behavior.

The flip side to it is, not a whole lot about me in those Journals..... that stings a bit. especially since we were at such a distance in one time frame and were just rebuilding our relationship in the other

There were also the little glimpse of my moms inner thoughts telling herself to quit smoking and drinking it was killing her even a mention of AA. and that she longed for a spiritual awareness.

reading through the pages about liars and tapped lines, private investigators and wishes for peace.... I heard Gena's voice from Thursday night telling me that mom was never comfortable here; and that she belonged in another realm. It made sense to me when she said it, but I was actually reading her words hearing her voice, and I knew it. She talks of the Spiritual voices she hears around her all the time, I believe she really heard them.

She even mentions angels.

This last two days I feel like I am back in the hospital exhaustion and numbness. My heart is just aching. my body is numb. I could sleep for a million years, and It's 1:40 and I am still wide awake.

On the drive home I cried, I said out loud that I feel like all that I will remember is that this is the year my mother died.
Everything is tainted with it. Everything is wreaking with it. No matter the ups or downs my loss is with me in every moment.

I don't think I am ready to let go of my grief. I think I need to live with it for a while.

I think it will take me more time to process this - this will take longer then anything else I have ever dealt with....

In the meantime, I am trying to stay present to my mother's spiritual presence in my life.

Reading her words, going through her things I feel as though I understand her and I am SO MUCH LIKE HER.

I just miss her. I wish so much for a talk, for a laugh, for a hug. I spent so many years being too angry to love her like I wanted to. 

Why do we waste time that way?