the end

"This is the end, my only friend the end..."

It is weird how songs creep up in my mind for diffrent situations.

sitting with my mom while she goes through the process of dying has been a whirlwind of emotions, and thoughts.

I have cried, forced myself to show as little emotion as possible because I did not want anyone to think I was weak, I have laughed, I have worried, I have felt guilt.

I keep wondering how much she knows or feels, is this really what she wanted? or now that we are here, if she is pissed in my lack of faith that she could mind over matter her body.

All the times I just wished for this misery to end,
not only for me but for her ..... and here we are and my heart is broken. my soul is weak. I do not knowI will ever recover..... I know the sadness and helplessness my own mother felt when she lost hers.

I wish I knew better what the right thing was to do, but I dont.