first world problems.

Every time I have them, I remind myself and try to smile a bit.
Someone at work told me this adage, and whenever i feel like a deflated balloon I hear his southern twang in my mind and I just smile... it goes : "two tears in a bucket, muthafuckit."

So here is what is rolling around in my brain this week:

Sisters: Went out with Nicole last week, and got to the bottom of her tension. Seems like this whole relationship between my sisters is going to be a pistol to work out... Yes Doreen I hear you in my head telling me it is not my problem, but here is why I am invested.
I love my sisters. I want us all to be one unit. I am worried they will both regret their decisions later on. I want everyone to be happy and peaceful... Kumbaugh man! Just kumbaugh!!!! And I know my mom would not like the situation at all, and I feel she is watching.

Katy/Landmark: I was a total flake on my communicator status, a bunch of shit got in my way. Happiness (kiddo and sis in law registered) Technology (damned phone stopped working) Illness (felt like ish for three days think it was my new nose spray) Work (always some thing going on - wish i had a dull moment once in a while) Anyhoo my group leader seemed less then thrilled. we will see whats up tomorrow night, but as of now I sort of decided this is my last stint as a communicator because it is too damned much communication for me!

Moving: Oh where to? Found a possible position up north, tom also applied up north. Found a great condo here more then i know I can afford and live the life I want but god what I would not give for AC, a washer and dryer, and GARAGE. Plus it has a FIREPLACE and I have a huge stockings hanging over the fireplace at Christmas boner that it somewhat clouds my better judgement. My thoughts are: maybe I should just stay here until after 8th grade for Taylor. If we stay in our current place i want to move if they raise the rest again. If we move to the new place maybe I will get so fed up with my job i will quit one day and we will be screwed. Or maybe I will rock out some awesome Christmas crafts with Taylor and make it work and suck it up in my career and just be thankful - smile my way through all the bullshit events and sales and act like I give a shit about the corporate retail agenda of the "bigfancy" empire. If we move north we will be starting all over and what if does not work out, but what if it DOES. We will be far from a lot of our family, but close to my dad, step mom and sister.

Work: sort of told them i might be looking to transfer north, and I don't want a management position because I value my life more. wonder if they think I am just a big ass flake and cannot decide what to do in my life or what? Why do I give a shit what they may or may not think? these people and this place is not my LIFE, why do i continually value what they think? how my actions affect them?

My moms place: Cleaning it out at the end of the month, so not looking forward to it. thinking about getting the stuff I want to take to my house. Sad because I feel like this is the nail in the coffin.  Once my mom's space is clear it really means she is not there anymore and she is never coming back. It is a very desolate and alone feeling, especially when your two sisters are busy hating each other.

My mental state: Am I normal? is what I am going through normal? How much of my life and my decisions are a result of my grieving process right now? I cannot help but question it, because in every day I feel the grief, and it is always in the back of my mind.

Summer: despite the rumblings of my brain, still loving it. I have had some KILLER times. Loving the beach so much! Cannot wait to go back. loving the having fun part and just keeping busy and being out doors. I wish that is all I could do, I think about playing hookie every single day of my life... and I am so not a hookie girl normally. My fun with my family and friends is my escape, and I wish I had a whole summer vacation to bask in because no matter what great days off I have, I always feel like I need WEEKS. My desire to be responsible right now is at 0.
Normally responsible is like, my middle name.

Grateful: that these are my problems, not starvation, not genocide, not tsunami's or horrible weather related tragedies... knock on wood.


The words to uncle johns band - by the greatful dead: "Well the first days are the hardest days, don't you worry any more, Cause when life looks like Easy Street, there is danger at your door.
Think this through with me, let me know your mind, Wo, oh, what I want to know, is are you kind? Come hear Uncle John's Band by the riverside,Got some things to talk about, here beside the rising tide. Come hear Uncle John's Band playing to the tide,Come on along, or go alone, he's come to take his children home. Wo, oh, what I want to know, how does the song go"