Dreaming hidden concerns

I had horrible sleep last night. You know how sometimes something is bothering you deep down and so you are not aware of it and then you kind of dream about it, and it makes you present to the fact that your worried about it?

I think what is going on here. I tossed and turned all night long. I had a dream about my Grandma Judy, who passed away last year. I don't really remember what all the dream entailed but I was back at her funeral reading the speech from my brother, and then I was apologizing to her for not calling and avoiding calling because of not wanting to talk to my stupid uncles and aunts, and being mad that she let them always run her ragged. I know at some point in this dream she was there, and that I felt the loss of my step mom.

I woke up crying, and cried for what seemed like at least a half hour, I just could not stop.
Then I thought of my little cousin and I felt like I needed to check up on her. I sent her a face book message, asking how she was and asking her to keep in touch. I worry about that girl...

I finally got back to sleep about an hour and fifteen minutes later.

Then I went a long with my day.

As I was leaving work, I got a text from my step mom. In the body of the text there was discussion about stress due to never making ends meet. I instantly felt bad for her, because I remember all too well how much that sucks and how it feels.

I sent her a quick note, but then decided to call.

We talked, not really about anything important. I mentioned being tired due to my terrible night of sleep, and my dream. That's when I realized what all that tossing and turning and dreaming was about and I got chocked up again. I am worried about her.

The same people that ran my grandma into her grave and running her there as well, and then there is the stress with my dad and his verbal abuse. Worrying about her makes me mad, me sick, makes me feel guilty. Because my dad is caught up in that whole mess too.

I know I cannot be everything to everyone. I know I have come a long way in terms of stress and how things affect me. But there is a piece of me that will always want to be everything to everyone. To be the fixer, the doer, the organizer, the "responsible one."

I want to scoop her up and save her before I lose her, and I can't. so even if I am not worrying on the surface all the time. I'm worrying somewhere buried deep down in my heart.

My love for people, knows no boundaries within myself no matter how hard I try to teach it different.