Purgatory

It's where I have been living or the last two weeks.

Nothing has really changed, I have been going back and forth to San Diego everyday and revolving my entire life around my mom and her care.

At this point, she has been released into skilled nursing and then re-admitted through the ER back into the hospital in about 32 hours time and now resides in the Acute care floor of Grossmont right down the hall from where she was before.

I feel like we have come full circle, and almost like we are right back at square one.

She is weak, and listless.... barley breathing. Literally it takes her whole body just to breathe.
It is crazy.

Between the respiratory issues and the addiction my mom has to narcotics. I feel like we are fighting a loosing battle.

My mom in the times she has been coherent says she is not going to die and will be fighting to live, and in the next breath will ask for excessive amounts of morphine or whatever pain med's she can get.  That is definitely a frustrating experience from the outside looking in.

I think in the myriad of emotions that I have experienced in the last two weeks, some of the most difficult have been grappling with wishing she wouls just die already, and wanting to go back to my life.

It seems so selfish to me to want to go back to my weight loss plan, yoga class, and even my work. But then my little devil on my shoulder that my mom has probably never in her life spent a more selfless two weeks on my behalf herself, so really it's a catch 22.

I wish I could say I was really benefiting for this experience, or that I was really learning something, that I knew where this all will take me.... but I don't.

The only thing I can say, is that this experience has forced me to take a good hard look at myself, and my life.

I have seen the error of my ways in judging someone else's life in a work situation when I really have no idea what they may or may not be going through. And now I will be less judgmental there.

I value my husband more, he has so stepped up to the plate for me here and I realize he loves me and I am important to him, and other smaller issues can be worked on,

I value my life more, and my happiness more then ever before. I won't ever smoke again, I want to get healthy to enjoy a long and happy life, I want to remind myself to be more thankful for the things in my life, and worry less about money and more about what makes me truly happy and just be with the important and inspiring people that I have in my life and that I love.

Just gotta dig myself out of purgatory first.

Whatever happens with my mom, I know I am complete with her. I know I do not want her to suffer. I do hope she passes pretty quick here for the good of everyone because I just do not see a better alternative to that.

If she does not, it will be really hard for me to stay in limbo, eventually I just have to move on.