mother's day

It was the first mother's day today since my mom passed away.
It is odd, because the last few years I honestly had not even spent mothers day with my mom, but just the meaning of the day creeps in your brain, and by the end of the day makes you feel like you lived a thousand lives in that one day.

I thought a lot about those last three weeks, and how without even thinking I pretty much just dropped my entire life and lived for my mother. I went on a motorcycle ride and as I was told I was going 80MPH, my smile disappeared and all I could think is this is how it felt for my mom to be on a bipap.

I tried to explain the electric feeling the night my mom died, and the spirits in the fog, and got a little hurt when my experience was belittled with explanation..... but then realized that most likely it was a defense mechanism of the other person and I don't have to make it mean a thing other then that I can believe whatever I want. My experience is what I believe.

I listened to someone others recent experience's and  even assured one they were not crazy and I believed it... because I do.

I spent time with family and friends. Had a few very  short honest conversations with my sister... which I hope continue. If she would just quiet her brain long enough to listen more... that will help.

I cried on my drive home, sung on my drive home, remembered my mom singing, and vowing not to stop until she died.

I miss her damned stubborn fighting spirit and that is the honest truth.

On the day's I miss my mother most, I damn the day's I was cursing her stubborn bullheaded attitude and I just wish, I would have loved her more.

But there I am putting my past in my future by doing that right there aren't I? and here I am putting words on the page, letting go.

Today I really realized I am coming into my own more then I ever have in my whole life.

And I can say whatever I want, think whatever I want, about my mom, but good or bad my experiences with her have largely contributed to the person I am, and the person I am discovering.

She loved me and I know that, in the midst of the sadness I feel when I miss her... knowing that she loves me gives me a solid foundation to cling to.

Like a raft in an ocean, that one fact saves me in the middle of my darkest thoughts, and my saddest times.

Happy mother's day momma. Wherever you are, I hope you have peace, and happiness and all the love you could wish for.

xoxoxox