I feel like I've been having such a hard time lately just disconnecting from the things that frustrate me.
Everything that I want seems so far for my reach sometimes and the things that I have that I know logically in my mind that I need seems so it to be so frustrating I find myself day in and day out wishing for a different life I find myself day in and day out trying to convince myself that the things that I have that I'm sick of are worth it.I want to be rid of a really things I need and trying to tell myself to be thankful for them I feel like sometimes I'm just a spoiled little American brat who should be thanking my lucky stars that I have food in my tummy and a roof over my head. sometimes the things that I go through in and out of my daily life seems so unnecessary to me and I don't understand why I put myself through them and then I find myself reminding myself oh I'm doing this so I can have food I'm doing this so I can have shelter I'm doing this so I can support my child and if I didn't do these things then I wouldn't have these things and other days I just don't seem to care about the fact that it supports me and I wish that I could just do whatever it is that I want to do since my mom died I really AM starting to see the world around me I feel like for the first time I see things that are so unnecessary but I always thought were like the pinnacle of the universe but at the same time I see how they are the pinnacle of my universe and I hate it but there's a million people in the world that don't even have the things that I have so how can I hate it how can I be in so I'm grateful for everything that I have how can I not want to live this life that I'm living how do I find a way to be balanced so that I can live the life that I'm living and support my child and have food on the table and a roof over my head and the things I need but also be doing something that feeds my soul and not worrying about planning my life around as sale, a holiday that needs to have people all over the country coming in to spend money that's unnecessary on things we don't need or an event that you know is so important in my world but really in the scheme of things of the world its not important at all but when I say things like this to people the people in my life the people that are surrounding me they look at me like I have three heads like I'm crazy and I keep questioning myself am I crazy am I just thinking these thoughts because I'm going through some crazy grief process that I don't understand I am I thinking these thoughts because I'm fed up with the things I've gone through day in and day out year after year week after week month after month and I'm just fed up with it and I need to move on am I just never truly happy do I never want to be happy do I like being stressed out do I like being bummed out do I like being frustrated am I learning nothing through all these classes I've been taking because I feel like I keep going back to square one the place where I started I feel like sometimes in the day I can tell that I've grown so much out of the education I followed and then the next minute I feel like I'm back where I started before I even did it and I don't know why that is I mean maybe it's part of being human and maybe that's what I'm frustrated with this being human because I have such a strong desire to do and believe the incredible things and I'm instead stuck under LED lighting and air conditioning recycled air with people that all they care about is material things and price tags and events in sales and what's hot on a trend for clothing and makeup then what Kim Kardashians wearing and what song is hot on the radio and right now I just feel so disconnected from that stuff like how do people care about this s*** and why all of a sudden do I feel like I don't belong here and how for so long that I feel like I did and how do you express that to somebody like how do you go home at night and tell your husband that you're in the wrong place in your life and you don't know what to do how do you go to tell people that you don't want to be here anymore but you don't want to lose the things that come with being here I wish this is the one time but I really wished somebody was reading this blog because I need some words of wisdom right now I really wish somebody could hear these thoughts but I'm just putting on this page was hoping to leave them here and could look at me and give me an answer or make it better or tell me everything is going to be OK or they understand I just wish for once that I could feel like somebody understands me because sometimes I don't even understand myself and I don't seem to have a problem telling people how I feel but everyone seems to have a problem with hearing how I feel like what I'm saying doesn't make any sense into me when I'm saying it it makes perfect sense when the fact that I give actually out up I feel like everybody just wants to see you smile and hear you're OK and that you don't need any help and that you know everything's fine down some of the closest people in my life I feel that way like my parents my best friend my family everybody wants to see you smile and hear a positive attitude everybody wants to have an optimistic outlook nobody wants to hear that this doesn't work in this is why and that this isn't working for you anymore that's why and nobody wants to hear that somebody needs a break or they need someone to take over for them these are the things that nobody wants to hear and so nobody listens I can easily express my feelings there just never well received that's how I feel right now I can easily tell you what I don't want and what I do want but I can't tell you how I got where I'm at what I'm doing here and why I've been here for so long and how I've been able to stand all this time before now
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