thoughts about mom

I guess I am glad I was up this late. Just got a text from John that my mom seemed to be struggling in her breathing and was asking him to bring her inhaler to the hospital, to please call to check on her.

So after a few days of purposely being busy in my life (it is what I do in this situation, I just engross myself in everything else so I don't have to feel it, so I don't have to be scared)<--- and can I just say wow, that is true transformation right there? I just admitted something I never dared to utter aloud before not even to myself.

anyhow, called the hospital, and they are giving her a breathing treatment, and some adivan to relax her. Her nurse was a super nice guy actually. Just talking to him and listening to him explain the situation is somewhat relieving. It made me glad he is there tonight to take care of her.

And here comes the part where I silently ask myself why I am not? Because I answer myself I have my reasons. Work, Life, My child - she does not feel well, my responsibilites, I need to work out, I need to go grocery shopping, I need to make dinner for my husband tomorrow, I need to get Taylor ready for her first dance, I'm tired because I cannot sleep because I am worried. (If that is not irony right there not really sure what is) For reasons I have many answers, but as for my responsibility to my mom I have few.

It is hard for me to even define it to myself. I have made good with her after the forum, don't get me wrong. I am not angry anymore.

I just do not know that I can drop my life every time I think she is going to die because those times have come so often the last few years.
These periods are so emotionally draining for me, I think I have adapted this behavior of hiding to protect myself. Because I am the person who will feel things so deep that they nearly kill me, and I cannot afford to loose control. I have too many things to be responsible for.

I don't want to cry, I don't want to be scared. I don't want her to die. I hate that I had to forgive her after she was already so sick.

Why couldn't have that come sooner so I could have enjoyed her? When we could have done things? when we could stay up talking all night? When maybe she could listen, when maybe I could hear her?

I know when my mom does die, part of me is going to die right along with her...
Because I know I won't only be mourning the loss of my mom, but the loss of the things I wish I could of have had. The small happy memories I have are so far away. The painful sad ones are too close to the present.

It makes me want to wrap myself up in a blanket with a Lionel Richie record and forget I ever had to think these thoughts in the first place.

I hate this, it makes me so sad.



Early Winter - Gwen Stefani