Fear

today has had its ups and downs.
Taylor graduated from her forum. At first I was not too sure if she got it, but by the end of the day I was.
We celebrated with some family and a friend, and then went home.

But on the flip side I have been dismissing anxiety again and again all day long.
I have not had to deal with this level of anxiety since before my forum.

It all has to do with work. Ever since last week, I just feel as though there is a negative tone that I cannot shake off because I can't control other people.

I don't want to control other people actually. I just want all the negativity to fall away.

I wish I could just swipe away whatever makes me anxious or whatever happened like chalk on a chalk board and start fresh.

Of course I have learned I actually CAN do that, but when you are batting at anxiety ridden butterfly's in the pit of your stomach all day it really makes it hard to stay present to the blank board in front of you.

I wish I could go on a pilgrimage to purify my soul. I could just pack up and take off and see what I want, feel what I want, and DO what I want.

One of the things I think I have always been so hard on myself for was how much I feel things.  How emotional I am.

Yet, it is the thing I find most beautiful about my child. So why so hard on myself?

Why do I have to continue to make peace with WHO I AM?

I know life is going to continue to come at me, that I will continue to have to keep choosing vanilla..... That I have to keep clearing the slate...... but some days, I am just exhausted.

Some days I just want to dip my feet into the sand, feel the wind in my hair, and watch the sun go down. A million miles away from my life, a million miles away from my choices and commitments.