20/20

Some people get their personal aha's in meditation, I get them with the wind blowing in my hair and the music blaring out the window.

As part of living in this possibility of health, I am naturally trying to dismantle my own personally assaulting impulses.

One of the big ones is being my own worst enemy. I am so hard on myself. For not being where I should, not acting as I should, not knowing all the answers..... you name it, I hate it about myself and the fixer and changer function automatically kicks right in....

Today I was thinking about all of that. Thinking about me, and my attitude and my actions this year. Where I have been, where I am going, the things that have happened. All the why's.

I started to realize something.  I do not honestly think I have been in such a state of growth mentally since I was in my early teens. Then I was pretty much present to it because I think with puberty you just automatically expect change.

But now I have not been because I had this attitude that society expects you to be fully grown once you reach adulthood.

But I just realized how much I have been growing.

It is not all good, but it is not all bad either.
There has just been a lot the last two years or so that has really been shaping me and changing me.

Now that I know I am in a mental growth spurt, I feel a lot more ok with not being perfect, always saying the right things, or having all the damned answers.

I also feel like hey, I can step back, and get the hell outta my own way for once and fucking give myself room to grow without getting all panties in a bunch already.

I think I am actually making peace with the fact that 1. I am growing  2. I have no idea what exactly the hell what the whole process is gonna look like  3. It is not going to have to be perfect, and it is not going to be. And finally 4. Shit is gonna change.

Change has been mortal enemy with me for so long, that the reistance against it up to this point I think has really held me back.

Shit, If I can just make peace with CHANGE I think I am going to rock this fucking growth spurt.

I used to always be the person who dreamed big in a one day someday kind of way. Someone who always had an excuse to not evolve, to not go with her gut, to believe she cannot follow her heart because I just had to wait for A.B.C. to happen or change around me.

I'm really starting to feel the mind shift there. I am saying what I want, and I am sharing it to let other people know and get feedback. I am taking actions, even if they are baby steps to get one step closer to the other side everyday.

It is kind of a trip. I kinda love it. Que Katy Perry.....