A few weeks ago I saw my mom in a guided mediation. She smiled at me and held my hand. We just kept looking at each other through the grass and smiled. Eventually we got up and walked through the meadow, through the trees, and out onto this beach, where we sat quietly and looked over the ocean. When it came time to go I through my arms around her and said I did not want to, she just said "but you have to." And that was that.
A few days later she came to Taylor in a dream. and Taylor hugged her, she woke up crying.
Since then life for me has been an emotional roller coaster.
I have been trying so hard to move on, to not hold back in life or in opportunity. To fiercely live, as I now truly understand now how fleeting life is and I am determined to live, and not have regrets. But it is hard when everyday I just want to sleep all day and dream about my mom.
I know she was never the perfect mother. But I also know she loved me and I miss her.
I cannot help how I feel. I just wish I could talk to her, just one more time. It is not because I have anything important to say... or any business with her left unfinished. It is just because I miss her, I want to just hear her laugh one more time, just have one more hour to talk about nothing to talk about anything.
Yesterday, I sat at her memorial and listened and watched the dolphins swim by as Doreen talked and really for the most part, I was fine. I am strong in front of others. It is in my own thoughts and alone time where I am weak, where I am despondent, where I am so sad. In this way, I think I am much as my mother was.
I keep thinking back to the time she lost her own mother. I do not think I ever saw her cry. She was in so much pain, and lonely. I refused to see it. I was selfish and I treated her poorly. Even worse, I thought I had the right to.
I am so sorry for that. I so wish I could take that back. I hope she knows that. I know she knows I love her. I know we all do bad things sometimes, but I wish so much I could change it.
Even in the times as I drove in silence to San Diego for the umteinthmillionth time it seemed and I silently prayed this was the end... I only wished for her suffering to end, that is all. I only wished for mine to end too, I did not realize then, mine is only beginning.
Mom, I wish I could tell you a hundred times over. I love you, I miss you. I see your smile when I close my eyes, and hold your laughter in my heart. I'm so sorry for any hurt I ever made you feel. I always loved you from the top of my heart to the bottom, and I always will.
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