every night since last Wednesday, I dream I am sitting at my mother's bedside in that last hospital room.
The dreams are so real that when I wake up, I still think I am there, it always takes me 30 seconds or more to register that I am in my bed and that my mom is gone.
Last night tom said I talked about it in my sleep, he said I didn't want anyone to know where we were. when he asked where we were? I said "In the hospital with my mom, because maybe she will get better" and drifted back off to sleep.
Seems my dreams let go of the secret hope I held in my heart those three weeks. As logical as my head is, despite my silent prayers to end my mom's suffering.... my heart wished she would get better again.
Yesterday one of my sister's were driving me crazy with her controlling tendency's and I went to my phone to call my mom so I could talk to her about it and realized I couldn't.
I told Taylor "I wish grandma were here so I could complain to her."
I'm starting my life again today, it feels so foreign to go back to work and life. It feels so weird to make my life about me right now.
I miss you mom.
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