This week has been a difficult one. Or should I say the weekend actually.
As I smiled on the sun shining down on me Thursday afternoon at disneyland, I would have never guessed that the very next day, while I was getting ready for work I would see on the news that a kindergarten class was shot to death. That news hit a personal cord with me and broke my heart. I spent the better half of the morning crying. Crying for the kids, crying for the parents, crying for the teachers that lost their lives, crying for the people on the scene, and yes crying for the shooter and his family.
Cool kid and I were talking about him this morning. I was trying to explain to her that even though what he did was so horrific, he must have been hurting for so long to get to a point to do such a terrible thing.
I tried to help her imagine what it must be like to lose three members of your family, and know one of them committed such an atrocious crime, and how it probably did not seem to resemble anything that you would ever expect them to do.
One of the best reasons why I love this kid is because she really could try to imagine it. She has big sucker heart for people just like I do, sometimes I think it is the biggest cross to bear ever... and other times, I know it is what makes us who we are.
Okay on to Saturday... A sinus ick creeped up on me making me miserable Friday afternoon, to top it off the last thing I was told before I shut my eyes is that my "holier then thou" FIL decided to practically OD on a prescription for the second time in what only seems like a month or two. Needless to say I was pissed.
Then I go to work with my head in a snot filled balloon and one ear plugged, and some jerk decided to shoot off over 50 rounds in the parking lot of my closest neighboring mall. Thankfully no one was hurt, but I was like really?
Of course everyone at my work was freaking out. I however remained eerily calm, as I tend to do in situations like that. I will freak out sometimes about what people say or what they think about me, but for some reason for things that matter I have a cool; methodical thought process. Not to mention I was still mad at bornagainbornagain.
And when I am pissed; sometimes I get quiet. Honestly when that happens you know your in serious shit with me.
But let me backtrack a minute, because what I am not telling you is at first, I had a pretty hot head. At first I did say something. And I gave it to him in the whole I am so holy kneel before me way he dishes it out every week via email. Normally I would feel really bad about it later on, but I am still not sorry. I don't think I ever will be either. Someone needed to say something, and that someone usually is me.
"leave it to me to be holding the matches, when the fire trucks show up and there's nobody else to blame"
The more I thought on it though, the madder I got. Not because of me, but because of cool kid mostly. I have had the horrible affliction of people with substance abuse issues and selfishness plaguing my life... and I am so sick up to here with it. And now, I am especially pissed off that Cool kid seems to have to bear some sort of punishment for it too.
Then to top it all off, I get no response. (actually I was not really shocked there) and no thought was given to my jewel of wisdom/ sarcastic/ holy/ bitchy /retort either.
Instead holierthenthou thought it better to go to my sweet friend for a visit and vomit his excuses and his bullshit on her day when she has bigger troubles then he can imagine of her own. After, he choose to continue with his usual boorish ass behavior and who knows what ultimateenabler did for act two of that situation.
So now I am pissed off for cool kid, my sweet friend, mr fixit, and for me.
And the moral of the story is this: Some people I find so completely disgusting it makes me want to vomit myself. holierthenthou, is high on that list.
You don't make excuses and mask your terrible behavior and bad choices by slapping a condition on the face of it and shrug your shoulders as you make everyone around you miserable. You just don't. PERIOD.
The only reason for that type of behavior is because you do not want to change, that is it. Don't give me a fucking excuse for it. Be real, none of us were born yesterday.
Secondly no matter your relationship to such a person you should never yourself make excuses for them and just cry and shrug your shoulders and expect people to accept that. It's not ACCEPTABLE, EVER.
Due to the situation, I feel as though sadly for cool kid I am going to have to find a way to make some serious steps to change my life and cut ties with these people. I'm not really sure how that is going to play out, I'm not even sure it is possible. But at this point I am at a loss for what else to do. I'm angry, and I am sad. I hate to hurt cool kid to save her from the potential of having some of the experiences I have had.
Tough decisions are ahead, and life changes I assume as well.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
visualization of my future, the creation of possibilty
So this may totally be bad habits, but I really don't think it is.
I have decided that although I love the industry I am in, I hate the hours I keep. It's something I have always known, yet something I felt I never had a choice to acknowledge.
Recently I made a choice; a track that stays within my realm and decided that was my destination.
Lately though I am feeling it does not have to be the only one.
A while back my brain would have been too fearful to admit that thought existed, for I am a creature of habit. I like to cozy up, and stay where I know everyone. Much like the guys at the bar of "Cheers."
The flip side to me loving my current habitat is, I have a wildly creative dreamers side.
That every so often shows me images of me being a store owner in a cute little town somewhere and completely owning my whole life; and most importantly my schedule.
The logical side of me has always stood tall on my shoulder telling me I cannot get there because i do not know how.
I want to flick logic off my shoulder and look out into the world and maybe create the possibility that I can own my own business.
Live more of my life on my terms.
Live somewhere less busy, less rude, more country, more slightly hippiesque.
Deep down, I know that is what I want. I know that it's more me.
Starting in January, I will be taking my "Authenticity course" which I accidentally got signed up for, but now I am thinking it's probably the perfect course for me to take.
And I am marching my ass into some college counselor's office around here somewhere to see what options are the right one for me.
Wish me luck ;) I cannot help but laugh as I say that because I could hear Maurish saying in my head that there is no luck....
I have decided that although I love the industry I am in, I hate the hours I keep. It's something I have always known, yet something I felt I never had a choice to acknowledge.
Recently I made a choice; a track that stays within my realm and decided that was my destination.
Lately though I am feeling it does not have to be the only one.
A while back my brain would have been too fearful to admit that thought existed, for I am a creature of habit. I like to cozy up, and stay where I know everyone. Much like the guys at the bar of "Cheers."
The flip side to me loving my current habitat is, I have a wildly creative dreamers side.
That every so often shows me images of me being a store owner in a cute little town somewhere and completely owning my whole life; and most importantly my schedule.
The logical side of me has always stood tall on my shoulder telling me I cannot get there because i do not know how.
I want to flick logic off my shoulder and look out into the world and maybe create the possibility that I can own my own business.
Live more of my life on my terms.
Live somewhere less busy, less rude, more country, more slightly hippiesque.
Deep down, I know that is what I want. I know that it's more me.
Starting in January, I will be taking my "Authenticity course" which I accidentally got signed up for, but now I am thinking it's probably the perfect course for me to take.
And I am marching my ass into some college counselor's office around here somewhere to see what options are the right one for me.
Wish me luck ;) I cannot help but laugh as I say that because I could hear Maurish saying in my head that there is no luck....
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
it's been a strange week....
If there is one thing I have learned in the past few days it's that nothing is as it seems.
People have weird freaking motives for things, sometimes those motives are completely unknown to you.
Makes me glad I have the ones I love, the ones I keep close. There a handful of people that I am reminded this week to never take for granted. Love you guys xo
Most of today has been spent with the kiddo combating the stomach flu, which in my opinion is the most horrible of minor ailments to have. poor kid. Cross your fingers though, I think (knocks on wood) she might be turning the corner.
Thanksgiving is just around the corner and it has had me thinking quite a bit.
Firstly I have been seeing what all my friends are "thankful for" on a semi daily basis and that defiantly gets my own thankful list going.
In addition to that it has allowed me to offer a place in my home to more then just my family for the holiday, which is so huge for me... I almost never have anyone over.
I also have spent a great deal thinking about those less fortunate then myself and have been sending good vibes out to them as the weather gets colder and thinking about making a day trip with a group of friends to feed the homeless at a shelter or soup kitchen. although, I have to admit that hardly seems like enough.
I'm a big hearted person by nature. I have honestly thought about forgoing all gifts this year and putting the money into feeding the homeless or providing blankets and other supplies.
I am pretty sure many of the people in my life would think I was off my rocker should I decide to do such a thing, but it is really hard for me to fathom why I need one more trivial item in my life when there are so many people out there without a warm place to even lay their head.
It would make me feel better to give it all away to complete strangers and just enjoy the company of my family and close friends in lieu of gifts this year. gotta run this idea past the hubby so we will see...
Rather then recite all of the things I am thankful for every day of the month like several of my friends have, I would rather write them all down here. Mostly for myself more then anything else. This way the second I get all bitchy and whiny I can come back here, read this list and shut my mouth... so here it is.
1. My husband (he gets a lot less credit from me more often then he deserves; & because I love him.)
2. My daughter. The absolute greatest thing that has ever happened to me ever.
3. My family (both sides & in law's) yes, it is true so often you all drive me insane and I sometimes want to bitch slap you... but I love you guys too. LOL
4. My bestie, my soul sister.... Jenn (aka missknowitall <---- she really does!) I love you, no matter how much time or space ever comes between us I have your back always.
4 1/2. all of my friends. you motivate and inspire me everyday. you are all beautiful people in your own unique and individual way and I love you all and feel lucky to be a part of your lives
5. the roof over my head. It's more then a lot of people have, and it is just what I need
6. food, clothes, all the necessities. the stupid things I take for granted everyday like hot water.
7. my health. which I am working on taking better care of
9. The people in my life outside of my "close network" that inspire me, that teach me, that help to mold and shape the world around me
10. Our jobs. God knows we need them, and we are lucky to have them.
11. My silly & childlike ability to still dream, up until recently it was one of the things that I loathed about myself, but I now realize it is not a weakness but a strength. most adults are far more dead on the inside then I'll ever be.
12. this world we live in. the fresh air in my lungs. the beautiful sunsets and sunrises. deep oceans, rivers, mountains..... from the biggest landmark to the smallest detail, I love the world I live in and hope to spend more time out there in it in the next year of my life :)
People have weird freaking motives for things, sometimes those motives are completely unknown to you.
Makes me glad I have the ones I love, the ones I keep close. There a handful of people that I am reminded this week to never take for granted. Love you guys xo
Most of today has been spent with the kiddo combating the stomach flu, which in my opinion is the most horrible of minor ailments to have. poor kid. Cross your fingers though, I think (knocks on wood) she might be turning the corner.
Thanksgiving is just around the corner and it has had me thinking quite a bit.
Firstly I have been seeing what all my friends are "thankful for" on a semi daily basis and that defiantly gets my own thankful list going.
In addition to that it has allowed me to offer a place in my home to more then just my family for the holiday, which is so huge for me... I almost never have anyone over.
I also have spent a great deal thinking about those less fortunate then myself and have been sending good vibes out to them as the weather gets colder and thinking about making a day trip with a group of friends to feed the homeless at a shelter or soup kitchen. although, I have to admit that hardly seems like enough.
I'm a big hearted person by nature. I have honestly thought about forgoing all gifts this year and putting the money into feeding the homeless or providing blankets and other supplies.
I am pretty sure many of the people in my life would think I was off my rocker should I decide to do such a thing, but it is really hard for me to fathom why I need one more trivial item in my life when there are so many people out there without a warm place to even lay their head.
It would make me feel better to give it all away to complete strangers and just enjoy the company of my family and close friends in lieu of gifts this year. gotta run this idea past the hubby so we will see...
Rather then recite all of the things I am thankful for every day of the month like several of my friends have, I would rather write them all down here. Mostly for myself more then anything else. This way the second I get all bitchy and whiny I can come back here, read this list and shut my mouth... so here it is.
1. My husband (he gets a lot less credit from me more often then he deserves; & because I love him.)
2. My daughter. The absolute greatest thing that has ever happened to me ever.
3. My family (both sides & in law's) yes, it is true so often you all drive me insane and I sometimes want to bitch slap you... but I love you guys too. LOL
4. My bestie, my soul sister.... Jenn (aka missknowitall <---- she really does!) I love you, no matter how much time or space ever comes between us I have your back always.
4 1/2. all of my friends. you motivate and inspire me everyday. you are all beautiful people in your own unique and individual way and I love you all and feel lucky to be a part of your lives
5. the roof over my head. It's more then a lot of people have, and it is just what I need
6. food, clothes, all the necessities. the stupid things I take for granted everyday like hot water.
7. my health. which I am working on taking better care of
9. The people in my life outside of my "close network" that inspire me, that teach me, that help to mold and shape the world around me
10. Our jobs. God knows we need them, and we are lucky to have them.
11. My silly & childlike ability to still dream, up until recently it was one of the things that I loathed about myself, but I now realize it is not a weakness but a strength. most adults are far more dead on the inside then I'll ever be.
12. this world we live in. the fresh air in my lungs. the beautiful sunsets and sunrises. deep oceans, rivers, mountains..... from the biggest landmark to the smallest detail, I love the world I live in and hope to spend more time out there in it in the next year of my life :)
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Old habit's die hard.
So just the other day someone was describing to me the journey I'm on and there I was judging them for not following my perceived way to be. I was also not believing their whole Landmark forum high theory either. (can i just take a minute and say how crazy it is that I keep running into people from the forum at random!CARAZAY)
Anyhoo.... I'm going along doing my random kim thing.... swimming like Dory in the big blue.
and a little instance happens. I catch it, right away. And immediately apologize for my behavior and move on thinking great... see? I'm totally recognizing things and am so much "better" then before.
Then there it was. Like a freight train, a stressful situation that I totally thought I had handled, which I actually did have a pretty good handle on for most of it (self doubt here and there not included. Rackets can be like fruit flies in stressful situations...) till it was actually over. So weird...
Then BAM straight outta no where comes back totally classic quesera behavior and total old pattern.
I slept on it, and then a hour after being up this morning (I think the coffee finally sank in) I turned the reflection inward and was like woah. Old habits die hard, where did that even come from?
So there was a little delay in the recognition process this time. But there was defiantly no delay in the apologizing process. Can I just say I have never apologized so often as I have in the past few weeks?
It makes me laugh at myself really. The more time that goes on the more I see just how ridiculous I can be at times when I let myself get the better of me.
Anyhow the point here is, it tripped me up a little bit how long it took me to recognize my old habit creeping up this time. I thought I had this shit pretty much down.
I guess the moral of the story is: Just when you think you got your shit together is the time you actually don't. So be aware, and put that cocky behavior away and be humble.
Everyday is a learning and growing experience and everyday I just need to remind myself to just smile through it and feel lucky to be where I am right now.
This whole experience reminds me a little of adolescence. Some of it is so fun because it can be new and exciting, and some of it is so mortifying and can be embarrassing as hell. Either way there is something to be gained at the end.
Anyhoo.... I'm going along doing my random kim thing.... swimming like Dory in the big blue.
and a little instance happens. I catch it, right away. And immediately apologize for my behavior and move on thinking great... see? I'm totally recognizing things and am so much "better" then before.
Then there it was. Like a freight train, a stressful situation that I totally thought I had handled, which I actually did have a pretty good handle on for most of it (self doubt here and there not included. Rackets can be like fruit flies in stressful situations...) till it was actually over. So weird...
Then BAM straight outta no where comes back totally classic quesera behavior and total old pattern.
I slept on it, and then a hour after being up this morning (I think the coffee finally sank in) I turned the reflection inward and was like woah. Old habits die hard, where did that even come from?
So there was a little delay in the recognition process this time. But there was defiantly no delay in the apologizing process. Can I just say I have never apologized so often as I have in the past few weeks?
It makes me laugh at myself really. The more time that goes on the more I see just how ridiculous I can be at times when I let myself get the better of me.
Anyhow the point here is, it tripped me up a little bit how long it took me to recognize my old habit creeping up this time. I thought I had this shit pretty much down.
I guess the moral of the story is: Just when you think you got your shit together is the time you actually don't. So be aware, and put that cocky behavior away and be humble.
Everyday is a learning and growing experience and everyday I just need to remind myself to just smile through it and feel lucky to be where I am right now.
This whole experience reminds me a little of adolescence. Some of it is so fun because it can be new and exciting, and some of it is so mortifying and can be embarrassing as hell. Either way there is something to be gained at the end.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
what snippet is this...12?
LOL looks like my ADD got the better of me and now I have lost count of the snippets... ah well.
So it's voting day again. Half the world is all up in arms over it, a quarter of it just doesn't give a shit anymore, and the other part is like me just curious to see what happens.
Don't get me wrong miss big mouth over here has a quite a few few political opinions.... but a while ago lost most of her faith that the whole voting system has any legitimacy anymore or that the little guys have a say anymore unless someday they band together and rise up and take the country back.
The likely hood of that happening in the chip eating dancing with the stars generation is slim to none.
totally off the subject but I just noticed I face book "liked" clean eating right next to arby's. I'm such a living oxymoron. I can't help but laugh about it.
So yeah anyhow, it should all be interesting over the next few days.... whatever happens we all just have to make the best of it and teach our kids to be smarter. That's all I can really say.
Tomorrow, I start the the 34th year of my life and I am excited to see what it brings. I am creating the possibility right now that this new year of my life is going to be a year where I will bring to life all the opportunities I have dreamed of for me and my family up to this point. Also it will be a year full of smiles, hugs, and belly laugh's. If I can just have those things in my life then that is all I really need.
Shout out to my favorite girl Ms. Knowitall! Happy Birthday!I love you girl! I'm sorry we cannot be together for our birthday, but you are with me everyday in my heart (insert mushy-ness and aweing noises here) Cannot wait to see you! Have a beautiful day! xoxoxoxoxo
So it's voting day again. Half the world is all up in arms over it, a quarter of it just doesn't give a shit anymore, and the other part is like me just curious to see what happens.
Don't get me wrong miss big mouth over here has a quite a few few political opinions.... but a while ago lost most of her faith that the whole voting system has any legitimacy anymore or that the little guys have a say anymore unless someday they band together and rise up and take the country back.
The likely hood of that happening in the chip eating dancing with the stars generation is slim to none.
totally off the subject but I just noticed I face book "liked" clean eating right next to arby's. I'm such a living oxymoron. I can't help but laugh about it.
So yeah anyhow, it should all be interesting over the next few days.... whatever happens we all just have to make the best of it and teach our kids to be smarter. That's all I can really say.
Tomorrow, I start the the 34th year of my life and I am excited to see what it brings. I am creating the possibility right now that this new year of my life is going to be a year where I will bring to life all the opportunities I have dreamed of for me and my family up to this point. Also it will be a year full of smiles, hugs, and belly laugh's. If I can just have those things in my life then that is all I really need.
Shout out to my favorite girl Ms. Knowitall! Happy Birthday!I love you girl! I'm sorry we cannot be together for our birthday, but you are with me everyday in my heart (insert mushy-ness and aweing noises here) Cannot wait to see you! Have a beautiful day! xoxoxoxoxo
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
not sure what snippet we are on here...
I have seen so much growth in myself the last couple weeks. I have seen a lot little validations that let me know I am doing the right thing :)
I have to say I really have the Landmark Forum to thank, even though they are boarderline harassing the hubby trying to get him to go... he does not seem to interested.
Maybe it is not for everyone, but it certainly was for me.
I don't have perfect "magically delicious" life, but the way I roll with things has really changed and that is such a relief to me. I smile more often, and more authentically.
I take pleasure in the little moments I didnt have time to before, because I was too busy stressing myself out.
I no longer feel a pang of jealously and regret every time I hear a Lionel Richie song... (this one is huge) Anyone who has had mom issues probably knows, that crap can really ruin you.
But now I just love my mom. Whatever happens, whatever has happened... it just is, and it does not have to mean a damn thing, and it does not have to do a thing with me. That alone is such a huge load off of my back it is freaking amazing, because that one thing, was the root of a million other things, like a string of pearls... or anger, frustration, sadness, self doubt, fear.
I listen more and better. I still have the same big ass mouth I have always have had, but I now know that I need to shut my mouth and take a minute, stop and listen and say thank you sometimes.
My relationships with people I never dreamed could be better or be anything, are starting to develop.
I'm starting to streamline my focus, and really believe i can accomplish the things I always secretly feared I was not good enough or smart enough to do.
I am a better mother, and everyday I want to be even better.
I'm looking forward to continuing this process in my 10 week course. I have never been one to really look forward to a class ... but here I am.
Here are the things I want to continue to work on that I know I still need to hone in on
*Follow through
* Improving time mangement
* Life priortizing
* strengthening the relationships I feel have weakened Specifically my friends that are far from my reach (miss know it all you are #1 on the list)
* taking an online excell class
* getting clutter free and organizing all aspects of my life
*getting out and living- taking walks... etc.
* getting creative in my relationship
I( wish I had a secretary :b
I have to say I really have the Landmark Forum to thank, even though they are boarderline harassing the hubby trying to get him to go... he does not seem to interested.
Maybe it is not for everyone, but it certainly was for me.
I don't have perfect "magically delicious" life, but the way I roll with things has really changed and that is such a relief to me. I smile more often, and more authentically.
I take pleasure in the little moments I didnt have time to before, because I was too busy stressing myself out.
I no longer feel a pang of jealously and regret every time I hear a Lionel Richie song... (this one is huge) Anyone who has had mom issues probably knows, that crap can really ruin you.
But now I just love my mom. Whatever happens, whatever has happened... it just is, and it does not have to mean a damn thing, and it does not have to do a thing with me. That alone is such a huge load off of my back it is freaking amazing, because that one thing, was the root of a million other things, like a string of pearls... or anger, frustration, sadness, self doubt, fear.
I listen more and better. I still have the same big ass mouth I have always have had, but I now know that I need to shut my mouth and take a minute, stop and listen and say thank you sometimes.
My relationships with people I never dreamed could be better or be anything, are starting to develop.
I'm starting to streamline my focus, and really believe i can accomplish the things I always secretly feared I was not good enough or smart enough to do.
I am a better mother, and everyday I want to be even better.
I'm looking forward to continuing this process in my 10 week course. I have never been one to really look forward to a class ... but here I am.
Here are the things I want to continue to work on that I know I still need to hone in on
*Follow through
* Improving time mangement
* Life priortizing
* strengthening the relationships I feel have weakened Specifically my friends that are far from my reach (miss know it all you are #1 on the list)
* taking an online excell class
* getting clutter free and organizing all aspects of my life
*getting out and living- taking walks... etc.
* getting creative in my relationship
I( wish I had a secretary :b
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
snippet 11- the first breakdown of many I am sure
So it all started Monday and it is been progressing. The greatness of loosing your rackets and becoming free is that you now are... the drawback is not everyone else is.
Without everyone else being where you are sometimes it is still hard to communicate and it gives a nice little in for your rackets to trickle back in too. The positive thing I can say now is that I am aware of them. So I know how to snap then shut like a clam shell and push them back.
That's good. What is sad for me right now is feeling misunderstood by some of the people around me. Hearing the feedback that some of them have.
Also having the issue I have currently happening within my life, has been upsetting for me because I feel like thier is a lot of anger, resentment, and judgement being focused at me.
I am in a place where I am trying really hard to just make peace with the fact that not everyone is always going to approve of where I am at or what I do.
But when I feel like I am being judged on the choices I have made in the recent past, that I feel are the best ones, it can be a hard pill to swallow.
For right now, I am doing what i can. But pretty quick here I am going to have to figure out a way to resolve this issue and above all else protect the one person most important to me or I am going to have to default to plan B and totally overhaul my life completely.
Either way, right now, in this moment... I'm just trying to breathe. Just trying to stay here now. Create a plan to move forward and not revert back to old behaviors.
Not falling back on old habits is hard. But leaving the load I've been carrying for so long behind me, where it should be .... has never been more clear to me that it is the right thing to do.
Without everyone else being where you are sometimes it is still hard to communicate and it gives a nice little in for your rackets to trickle back in too. The positive thing I can say now is that I am aware of them. So I know how to snap then shut like a clam shell and push them back.
That's good. What is sad for me right now is feeling misunderstood by some of the people around me. Hearing the feedback that some of them have.
Also having the issue I have currently happening within my life, has been upsetting for me because I feel like thier is a lot of anger, resentment, and judgement being focused at me.
I am in a place where I am trying really hard to just make peace with the fact that not everyone is always going to approve of where I am at or what I do.
But when I feel like I am being judged on the choices I have made in the recent past, that I feel are the best ones, it can be a hard pill to swallow.
For right now, I am doing what i can. But pretty quick here I am going to have to figure out a way to resolve this issue and above all else protect the one person most important to me or I am going to have to default to plan B and totally overhaul my life completely.
Either way, right now, in this moment... I'm just trying to breathe. Just trying to stay here now. Create a plan to move forward and not revert back to old behaviors.
Not falling back on old habits is hard. But leaving the load I've been carrying for so long behind me, where it should be .... has never been more clear to me that it is the right thing to do.
Monday, October 15, 2012
snippet 10 - My landmark forum experience
Been immersed in my weekend so I have been out of touch with all things electronic pretty much for a few days other then my phone and the people I needed to have conversations with. It was great. I didn't miss this white background, or who was saying what on face book for one second.
So before I left for my landmark forum, I read a lot of bad reviews and did extensive research on it because I was in such a state of anxiety over going. Truth is I was just in a constant state of anxiety period.
So first off I have to say the entire thing start to finish was not at all what I expected.
And I am positive that from start to finish it was not at all the same for me as it was for any other person.
Since I left, I have talked to a few friends here and there and a few have dared to suggest that people who seek out this program are weak minded and that its a cult.
Before I went to this class I would have cared about that. I would have cared what others think. But right now I just don't. Because I know what I experienced and it was the greatest experience of my life next to having the cool kid. So they can say whatever they want, and it means nothing.... and guess what? I will keep inviting them to come.
So anyhow, I loved every minute. I made such amazing and impactful relationships it is still completely crazy to me. I walked into that class sad and alone and walked out Sunday night free and part of a landmark family. I know I might not stay in touch every day but I know that I will always love my people, and be in touch with them one way or another. The people that touched, moved, and inspired me this last weekend was the best part of my experience and without them I would have never gotten what I did.
I will not ever be able to thank the person that invited me enough for what she did. Jenn, I can honestly tell you authentically now that I really love you, and thank you.
Tomorrow is my last night of my course, and even though just four days ago I was thinking I would skip that class.... now I would not miss it for the world. I cannot wait to introduce my family to my landmark family.....
So before I left for my landmark forum, I read a lot of bad reviews and did extensive research on it because I was in such a state of anxiety over going. Truth is I was just in a constant state of anxiety period.
So first off I have to say the entire thing start to finish was not at all what I expected.
And I am positive that from start to finish it was not at all the same for me as it was for any other person.
Since I left, I have talked to a few friends here and there and a few have dared to suggest that people who seek out this program are weak minded and that its a cult.
Before I went to this class I would have cared about that. I would have cared what others think. But right now I just don't. Because I know what I experienced and it was the greatest experience of my life next to having the cool kid. So they can say whatever they want, and it means nothing.... and guess what? I will keep inviting them to come.
So anyhow, I loved every minute. I made such amazing and impactful relationships it is still completely crazy to me. I walked into that class sad and alone and walked out Sunday night free and part of a landmark family. I know I might not stay in touch every day but I know that I will always love my people, and be in touch with them one way or another. The people that touched, moved, and inspired me this last weekend was the best part of my experience and without them I would have never gotten what I did.
I will not ever be able to thank the person that invited me enough for what she did. Jenn, I can honestly tell you authentically now that I really love you, and thank you.
Tomorrow is my last night of my course, and even though just four days ago I was thinking I would skip that class.... now I would not miss it for the world. I cannot wait to introduce my family to my landmark family.....
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
snippet 9
it's funny, sometimes as I stare at this white background I have no freaking clue what I will end up writing about today. I think that is the therapeutic part of this exercise. It really is whatever comes to me.
So coolkid got enrolled to talk to someone about the mean kids she has been dealing with for a while, and today I asked her how it went after the first session and she tells me well, she asked me why I was being bullied and I told her that you and I think it is because " I'm not Mexican."
These are the moments as a parent that you literally want to become a puddle and sink into the floor. I was like what? Then I remembered this article I read yesterday about how to talk to your kids about sex, and there were two examples there of where parents thought they had imparted all these words of wisdom on their child and then the editor of the article asked the kids what the parents had told them, and the kids said their parents said "don't have sex until marriage" & "use a condom"
I realized I had a similar thing happening here and that this, was a teachable moment for me.
So I made a point to address the actual things I had said and the points that I had made and why they are different and not exactly what she had summarized to the pscyh out there that now probably thinks I am a racist mommy.
So we are all clear here, what I said was the kids have different cultural backgrounds then cool kid has in our lives.... and a lot of the moms are friends with each other and that the kids all hang out together outside of school and that makes her probably stand out to them in addition to the difference in the way she looks in comparison then most of the other kids. All points I think, are completely and totally valid as well as 99.9% true.
I really hope someone out there does not get the wrong impression, but most importantly I dont want cool kid to get the wrong impression. That is most important to me. I may be blunt in my communication and very direct, but I embrace everyone no matter who they are and want my coolkid to have the same heart for people too.
I would never steer her in another way. So although I pride myself in my blunt honesty... I guess I learned today that I may still not always be conveying the message I think I am delivering because it is all in the hands of the person who is receiving it. And perception I think is not something you can really have a full grasp on controlling.
I sometimes forget my "Tween" is still a coolkid and not my coolfullydevelopedhuman. But then again are we ever really fully developed?
I know there are more days then not that I do not feel like I am ~ today is one of those days.....
So coolkid got enrolled to talk to someone about the mean kids she has been dealing with for a while, and today I asked her how it went after the first session and she tells me well, she asked me why I was being bullied and I told her that you and I think it is because " I'm not Mexican."
These are the moments as a parent that you literally want to become a puddle and sink into the floor. I was like what? Then I remembered this article I read yesterday about how to talk to your kids about sex, and there were two examples there of where parents thought they had imparted all these words of wisdom on their child and then the editor of the article asked the kids what the parents had told them, and the kids said their parents said "don't have sex until marriage" & "use a condom"
I realized I had a similar thing happening here and that this, was a teachable moment for me.
So I made a point to address the actual things I had said and the points that I had made and why they are different and not exactly what she had summarized to the pscyh out there that now probably thinks I am a racist mommy.
So we are all clear here, what I said was the kids have different cultural backgrounds then cool kid has in our lives.... and a lot of the moms are friends with each other and that the kids all hang out together outside of school and that makes her probably stand out to them in addition to the difference in the way she looks in comparison then most of the other kids. All points I think, are completely and totally valid as well as 99.9% true.
I really hope someone out there does not get the wrong impression, but most importantly I dont want cool kid to get the wrong impression. That is most important to me. I may be blunt in my communication and very direct, but I embrace everyone no matter who they are and want my coolkid to have the same heart for people too.
I would never steer her in another way. So although I pride myself in my blunt honesty... I guess I learned today that I may still not always be conveying the message I think I am delivering because it is all in the hands of the person who is receiving it. And perception I think is not something you can really have a full grasp on controlling.
I sometimes forget my "Tween" is still a coolkid and not my coolfullydevelopedhuman. But then again are we ever really fully developed?
I know there are more days then not that I do not feel like I am ~ today is one of those days.....
Monday, October 8, 2012
snippet 8
not a lot to report today.
Just your typical day off in which I did not get my laundry or my packing done for this weekend. going to work on that tomorrow, as well as my to do list.
I have a slight level of anxiety about what I need to get done and the work I will be missing, but what else is new? I always have angst about performance and my capabilities. That's why i decided to take on this little project, to get outside of what is holding me back.
I have a terrible habit of measuring myself based on living up to some one or some other entity's expectations. This is the thing that makes me think about running from my life at least once a week.
The fantasy is pretty much always the same. pack up the car with the family and the necessities and just drive off, not worrying about money, where we will sleep or how we will survive. Just figuring it out and saying to hell with anyone else.
In the fantasy we always end up having an amazing time, seeing the country and we do figure it out. At some point we end up on some farm or piece of land somewhere. We are in some gypsy type trailer. There are colorful awning/tent type structures off of the front. we are growing and gathering most of our food, we are thinner, & healthier. I have some crazy ass dread locks down to my ass and colorful flowy gypsy hippie attire and a clean face.
The makeup and beauty industry are not completely lost on me though because I am making creams and peels and sav's out of fruits and herbs and vegetables and selling them at farmers markets and things like that. The funny thing is out of all the times I have had this fantasy I cannot quite remember what mr. fix it does I just know he is there all hippied out and happy. Coolkid is a coolteen and she is self teaching herself and probably knows more then your average teen in traditional school. There is no Tv's, limited cell use. There is however music, and art, and photography, and sometimes there are friends.
It's a pretty damned nice day dream if you ask me. Makes me want to google how to give up all your worldly possessions and go full fledged hippie.... maybe I will.
Just your typical day off in which I did not get my laundry or my packing done for this weekend. going to work on that tomorrow, as well as my to do list.
I have a slight level of anxiety about what I need to get done and the work I will be missing, but what else is new? I always have angst about performance and my capabilities. That's why i decided to take on this little project, to get outside of what is holding me back.
I have a terrible habit of measuring myself based on living up to some one or some other entity's expectations. This is the thing that makes me think about running from my life at least once a week.
The fantasy is pretty much always the same. pack up the car with the family and the necessities and just drive off, not worrying about money, where we will sleep or how we will survive. Just figuring it out and saying to hell with anyone else.
In the fantasy we always end up having an amazing time, seeing the country and we do figure it out. At some point we end up on some farm or piece of land somewhere. We are in some gypsy type trailer. There are colorful awning/tent type structures off of the front. we are growing and gathering most of our food, we are thinner, & healthier. I have some crazy ass dread locks down to my ass and colorful flowy gypsy hippie attire and a clean face.
The makeup and beauty industry are not completely lost on me though because I am making creams and peels and sav's out of fruits and herbs and vegetables and selling them at farmers markets and things like that. The funny thing is out of all the times I have had this fantasy I cannot quite remember what mr. fix it does I just know he is there all hippied out and happy. Coolkid is a coolteen and she is self teaching herself and probably knows more then your average teen in traditional school. There is no Tv's, limited cell use. There is however music, and art, and photography, and sometimes there are friends.
It's a pretty damned nice day dream if you ask me. Makes me want to google how to give up all your worldly possessions and go full fledged hippie.... maybe I will.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
snippet 7
I'm on my way to somewhere.
This week is going to be hella intense but i signed up for it. I feel like I am on the verge to self discovery and acceptance. I'm trying to get the hell on to what is next and i think I am on my way there. I can honestly say the last few months has been some of the most lost I have ever had, and I think I am pulling myself out of the hole. I'm finally trying just to get right with me.
Live for what inspires me, what feels right to me, what means something to me spiritually.
I spend so much damn time trying to be everything for everybody. I need to be what I need for me. that is what this week is about. me being what I need for me. I have this intense crash course class I am taking to just get this all out. get back to basics, and run with it. I used to have dreams, aspirations, passions. I used to believe I could do anything I wanted. I want all of that back.
I do not care about what it costs. I don't care about status. I just want to be happy and fulfilled in my life. I want to be someone I am proud to be.
I am excited to take this journey. I really am. I am going to put faith in the universe and just let it happen. What will be will be... que cera cera. I do not want to look back on my life fourty years from now and say i worked. I want to say I lived. I want to say i treasured every moment of my beautiful girl and inspired her. That I loved openly and honestly and that I have no regrets there.
Speaking of which totally had a change in perception today. So I have had something I wanted for a long time, that I thought was totally off limits I found out today it just turned out to be a lack of communication, and now I am going to get this thing I have wanted for so long and I am excited about it. For the brick wall that I thought was standing in my way.... you have no idea what you really are doing for me, and thank you.
What a change from yesterday! I am feeling so good about the weak ahead! I might be exhausted, but I truly feel like I am going to accomplish something.
This week is going to be hella intense but i signed up for it. I feel like I am on the verge to self discovery and acceptance. I'm trying to get the hell on to what is next and i think I am on my way there. I can honestly say the last few months has been some of the most lost I have ever had, and I think I am pulling myself out of the hole. I'm finally trying just to get right with me.
Live for what inspires me, what feels right to me, what means something to me spiritually.
I spend so much damn time trying to be everything for everybody. I need to be what I need for me. that is what this week is about. me being what I need for me. I have this intense crash course class I am taking to just get this all out. get back to basics, and run with it. I used to have dreams, aspirations, passions. I used to believe I could do anything I wanted. I want all of that back.
I do not care about what it costs. I don't care about status. I just want to be happy and fulfilled in my life. I want to be someone I am proud to be.
I am excited to take this journey. I really am. I am going to put faith in the universe and just let it happen. What will be will be... que cera cera. I do not want to look back on my life fourty years from now and say i worked. I want to say I lived. I want to say i treasured every moment of my beautiful girl and inspired her. That I loved openly and honestly and that I have no regrets there.
Speaking of which totally had a change in perception today. So I have had something I wanted for a long time, that I thought was totally off limits I found out today it just turned out to be a lack of communication, and now I am going to get this thing I have wanted for so long and I am excited about it. For the brick wall that I thought was standing in my way.... you have no idea what you really are doing for me, and thank you.
What a change from yesterday! I am feeling so good about the weak ahead! I might be exhausted, but I truly feel like I am going to accomplish something.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
snippet 6 - we're fucking exausted.
So Yesterday namdad sends me a message saying my great aunt Dorothy is in rehab and feels like giving up. said she was done. I found it slightly ironic because I was just talking about owlgran and gigglepa what two days ago? This woman is the last living direct link to them.
Thought it was a shame, but damn the woman is 90. She defiantly enjoyed the time she has had.
Well this morning I get two simultaneous texts. Namdad and bestmom. Namdad says she is gone, call me I'm at the store. And two things crossed my mind right off the bat. That's a shame and damn that woman has some tenacity. She says just yesterday she was going to do something and low and behold she did. Takes an amazing soul to take control of your life like that.
My next thought is damn. I got stuff to do today I cannot call namdad today.
It's not like that, until it is I guess.
Here is the thing, evil me, self righteous me, grass is greener..... all of queserasera is fucking exhausted today. Why today and not yesterday I cannot say. But we are and as much as we have been wallowing in our own shit lately, it takes a whole lot of energy to "just keep swimming" and wallow in someone else's shit. On top of that; it's is twice as hard to try to explain that to someone without sounding like a heartless bitch. So there it is I guess .... selfish bitch can hop on right along with the rest of em on board ship queserasera.
I just don't think I can muster the energy to keep swimming and carry namdad, and his no place like home weighted backpack and still stay afloat today. I guess that's pretty fucked up.
I'm sure it will get pointed out to me in my own desperate time of need. Not a lot to be done about it.
The thing is, all these different facets of me, most of them are lesser versions of namdad.
So if i am a "miss melancholy" (by the way yes, i know the url is spelled wrong that is the only way I could keep the name the actual spelling was taken) imagine how bad namdad is.
If I am a stress case imagine him. Now imagine being all those things and being the number one crutch for someone else's issues and you can kinda see my point. Let's also not forget the one distinct difference between us. I learn from my regrets, I know when I need to check myself, I admit to my faults.
Being someone else's crutch is difficult. Especially when you are one of maybe two people in the universe that understand the person your carrying. You know they need you, and you know why... and pretty much no one else understands at all. It's a lot of responsibility to have.
Especially when you are sick yourself, and they are part of the reason why.
Nothing I'm saying above by the way takes away from the fact that I have nothing but love for namdad, and lots and lots of devotion. I'm just saying it's not perfect, far from it. I'm just being real. Lot's of people have issue with me for that reason. Good thing nobody is reading this shit.
I'm kinda glad for that for the time being. I kinda started this thing for god and for me, and that is it. I did invite some close family to read the juju post but only cause I wanted them to see my side.
In a lot of ways this little writing adventure reminds me of an expanded version of my thoughts to god I often have when I am driving. Except it's external and that is what makes it more therapeutic for me. I'm not one that always needs a prayer or a ritual to feel connected to whatever "god" is. I just need a one sided conversation.... and an occasional delayed reply.
I know them when I see them.
As for Aunt dorothy, Uncle verlin, owlgran, & gigglepa. I know they are ok and happy to be together. Now come visit me and get me to long beach on my birthday.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHXpnZi9Hzs
Thought it was a shame, but damn the woman is 90. She defiantly enjoyed the time she has had.
Well this morning I get two simultaneous texts. Namdad and bestmom. Namdad says she is gone, call me I'm at the store. And two things crossed my mind right off the bat. That's a shame and damn that woman has some tenacity. She says just yesterday she was going to do something and low and behold she did. Takes an amazing soul to take control of your life like that.
My next thought is damn. I got stuff to do today I cannot call namdad today.
It's not like that, until it is I guess.
Here is the thing, evil me, self righteous me, grass is greener..... all of queserasera is fucking exhausted today. Why today and not yesterday I cannot say. But we are and as much as we have been wallowing in our own shit lately, it takes a whole lot of energy to "just keep swimming" and wallow in someone else's shit. On top of that; it's is twice as hard to try to explain that to someone without sounding like a heartless bitch. So there it is I guess .... selfish bitch can hop on right along with the rest of em on board ship queserasera.
I just don't think I can muster the energy to keep swimming and carry namdad, and his no place like home weighted backpack and still stay afloat today. I guess that's pretty fucked up.
I'm sure it will get pointed out to me in my own desperate time of need. Not a lot to be done about it.
The thing is, all these different facets of me, most of them are lesser versions of namdad.
So if i am a "miss melancholy" (by the way yes, i know the url is spelled wrong that is the only way I could keep the name the actual spelling was taken) imagine how bad namdad is.
If I am a stress case imagine him. Now imagine being all those things and being the number one crutch for someone else's issues and you can kinda see my point. Let's also not forget the one distinct difference between us. I learn from my regrets, I know when I need to check myself, I admit to my faults.
Being someone else's crutch is difficult. Especially when you are one of maybe two people in the universe that understand the person your carrying. You know they need you, and you know why... and pretty much no one else understands at all. It's a lot of responsibility to have.
Especially when you are sick yourself, and they are part of the reason why.
Nothing I'm saying above by the way takes away from the fact that I have nothing but love for namdad, and lots and lots of devotion. I'm just saying it's not perfect, far from it. I'm just being real. Lot's of people have issue with me for that reason. Good thing nobody is reading this shit.
I'm kinda glad for that for the time being. I kinda started this thing for god and for me, and that is it. I did invite some close family to read the juju post but only cause I wanted them to see my side.
In a lot of ways this little writing adventure reminds me of an expanded version of my thoughts to god I often have when I am driving. Except it's external and that is what makes it more therapeutic for me. I'm not one that always needs a prayer or a ritual to feel connected to whatever "god" is. I just need a one sided conversation.... and an occasional delayed reply.
I know them when I see them.
As for Aunt dorothy, Uncle verlin, owlgran, & gigglepa. I know they are ok and happy to be together. Now come visit me and get me to long beach on my birthday.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHXpnZi9Hzs
Monday, October 1, 2012
snippet 5
Alright I do not have enough time in the day. I have so much on my plate and I am freaked out come thursday I am going to not have everything done I need to do, and someone is going to judge me for it. Thing is I doubt anyone really understands how much I really have got going on. I think the snap shot outsiders have of my world pales in comparison to my to do list. I'm a little stressed.
Evil me loves moments like this, to tell me my day to day is not that full or not that hard but that I am just over dramatic and and am not as smart as I should be.
Then egotistical me says that if I couldn't do it then good luck finding someone who could.
Spending my days doing figure eights around my little universe makes me wonder if I am shitty at time management or just shitty at being over-extensive. What I mean by that is... do I give to freely of myself? Do I give too much to everything and everyone else?
Sometimes I just wanna get to the top of the mountain and yell hey!!!!! all you suits, checks, & balances! I am only one me. Spend a day in my shoes and you will see what I mean. Spend a day in my brain and you would have such a better picture of what actually makes sense vs what actually happens.
I feel like for what I do ~ I should already be somewhere else. So I am working on getting there, but first I gotta build a kingdom. It's crazy.
If I ever win the lottery, or ever get rich..... I am straight disappearing for a couple years then I am coming back with a vengeance in my own queserasera universe that will either knock your socks off or you won't get it. I'm a black and white kinda girl in terms of success no room for in between.
Ah see? look there, you got your first glimpse of grass is greener.
Why is it that I am almost 34, and I am no where near where I thought I should be?
Why is it that I am almost 34, and that I do not know where I will end up?
Why is it that I am almost 34 and there are still so many days where I question who I am?
outside the universe I live in? outside the mother to my child? outside the wife to my lover?
These are the things that drive me crazy.
Evil me loves moments like this, to tell me my day to day is not that full or not that hard but that I am just over dramatic and and am not as smart as I should be.
Then egotistical me says that if I couldn't do it then good luck finding someone who could.
Spending my days doing figure eights around my little universe makes me wonder if I am shitty at time management or just shitty at being over-extensive. What I mean by that is... do I give to freely of myself? Do I give too much to everything and everyone else?
Sometimes I just wanna get to the top of the mountain and yell hey!!!!! all you suits, checks, & balances! I am only one me. Spend a day in my shoes and you will see what I mean. Spend a day in my brain and you would have such a better picture of what actually makes sense vs what actually happens.
I feel like for what I do ~ I should already be somewhere else. So I am working on getting there, but first I gotta build a kingdom. It's crazy.
If I ever win the lottery, or ever get rich..... I am straight disappearing for a couple years then I am coming back with a vengeance in my own queserasera universe that will either knock your socks off or you won't get it. I'm a black and white kinda girl in terms of success no room for in between.
Ah see? look there, you got your first glimpse of grass is greener.
Why is it that I am almost 34, and I am no where near where I thought I should be?
Why is it that I am almost 34, and that I do not know where I will end up?
Why is it that I am almost 34 and there are still so many days where I question who I am?
outside the universe I live in? outside the mother to my child? outside the wife to my lover?
These are the things that drive me crazy.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Snippet 4
Day 4. Gotta say, randomly writing thoughts somewhere has been pretty damn therapeutic for my G.A.D. I think because I am what I consider to be an "ideas person" that I have so many thoughts a day. so many ideas a day.... Not getting some of them out somewhere can be frustrating without me even knowing it. I am a compassionate person. I probably think about, wonder about, and care about more people then that think about me.
Sometimes evil me hates that a lot. She laughs mockingly at me when I get over sensitive or butt hurt about something I probably should not. I attribute my sensitive nature to namdad.
He is a lot more sensitive then me. And seems to always have pent up anger and frustration.
owlgran used to always say it was because of his time in the junglewar. She would always tell me he was never like that before. I always wondered if she was right or if she had scewed perception. I mean her and gigglepa never had anything but great things to say about unclepoppy even though it was clear he had a unique affection for all things chemical. It took over his whole life as far as I could see. He never showed love to us, never came around. Rarely called. Ended his days by the spoon and needle. Lonely and pretty dark, I imagine.
Sometimes when the dark water rolls in and I think I can almost understand how something like that can take over. But I have seen too much of that in my surroundings in this life time, knew from a young age I would never give in to those kind of demons.
I think gigglepa saw some dark things in his early days too. But he turned it around all his life. Smiling, joking, singing. He made an entire room shine, kept everyone smiling. Some of my favorite memories ever of are of him and owlgran on Arboleta street. My favorite thing was standing at the screen door watching the spot light trace the skyline, or listening to the old 45's. How can you not smile when you are singing about doggie's in the window or parades?
I miss those two everyday. Would kill for an hour of time for a conversation and a hug. All the things I would love to say. Tell them about cool kid. I know gigglepa and owlgran would just adore her and she them.
"And while they grow up you will show up
In things they do and say
Like a reflection to a connection
Of who they'll be one day
They will learn to get their wings
And fly through the changes life will bring
So on
And it will go on
And you will go on"
God listen here. I'm having a mellow okay day and here I am writing myself into the dark, sad place. I gotta work on that shit.
Pth.... the good stuff, the good stuff, talk about the good stuff.
Mr. fixit, coolkid, & I are together all day. That is great. We needed it. It's a mellow day. We are enjoying each others company today. I woke up this morning, wiped the sleep from my eyes and Mr. fixit gave me a good morning warm embrace and a kiss. It was so nice. Those small gestures can make or break my day. The little pleasantries are what make me the most happy.
We are excited to go to mexicali fest later. Usually we jam on down with friends. I think last time we went we had Ms. knowsitall and artsygirl in tow and we had a great time. Although I know I will miss that aspect. I feel like something so simple is going to be a good bonding experience for us today. It's just the vibe that I am getting. And I am cool with that, bonding is on my list of priorities right now. :)
Sometimes evil me hates that a lot. She laughs mockingly at me when I get over sensitive or butt hurt about something I probably should not. I attribute my sensitive nature to namdad.
He is a lot more sensitive then me. And seems to always have pent up anger and frustration.
owlgran used to always say it was because of his time in the junglewar. She would always tell me he was never like that before. I always wondered if she was right or if she had scewed perception. I mean her and gigglepa never had anything but great things to say about unclepoppy even though it was clear he had a unique affection for all things chemical. It took over his whole life as far as I could see. He never showed love to us, never came around. Rarely called. Ended his days by the spoon and needle. Lonely and pretty dark, I imagine.
Sometimes when the dark water rolls in and I think I can almost understand how something like that can take over. But I have seen too much of that in my surroundings in this life time, knew from a young age I would never give in to those kind of demons.
I think gigglepa saw some dark things in his early days too. But he turned it around all his life. Smiling, joking, singing. He made an entire room shine, kept everyone smiling. Some of my favorite memories ever of are of him and owlgran on Arboleta street. My favorite thing was standing at the screen door watching the spot light trace the skyline, or listening to the old 45's. How can you not smile when you are singing about doggie's in the window or parades?
I miss those two everyday. Would kill for an hour of time for a conversation and a hug. All the things I would love to say. Tell them about cool kid. I know gigglepa and owlgran would just adore her and she them.
"And while they grow up you will show up
In things they do and say
Like a reflection to a connection
Of who they'll be one day
They will learn to get their wings
And fly through the changes life will bring
So on
And it will go on
And you will go on"
God listen here. I'm having a mellow okay day and here I am writing myself into the dark, sad place. I gotta work on that shit.
Pth.... the good stuff, the good stuff, talk about the good stuff.
Mr. fixit, coolkid, & I are together all day. That is great. We needed it. It's a mellow day. We are enjoying each others company today. I woke up this morning, wiped the sleep from my eyes and Mr. fixit gave me a good morning warm embrace and a kiss. It was so nice. Those small gestures can make or break my day. The little pleasantries are what make me the most happy.
We are excited to go to mexicali fest later. Usually we jam on down with friends. I think last time we went we had Ms. knowsitall and artsygirl in tow and we had a great time. Although I know I will miss that aspect. I feel like something so simple is going to be a good bonding experience for us today. It's just the vibe that I am getting. And I am cool with that, bonding is on my list of priorities right now. :)
Saturday, September 29, 2012
snippet 3 - Juju calling
Cool kid and I are driving home, talking about a recent weaving loom experience she had at a friends house recently and it just brought me right back to my "unofficial grandma"
Part of the reason this year was so hard for me up to this point has been due to her loss.
I know there are people who probably question that because for the last seven or so years of my adult life our chats and correspondences were few and far between. In retrospect this makes me so sad, because the reason for that was, 1. life and 2. stupid people I don't respect surrounding a great woman I always loved and respected more then I was ever able to express to her. I guess you always think tomorrow you will get the chance. I never even realized that until uncle moking had his poem to his mother read by my best mom at the memorial.I never put it all together until then.
The night I heard the news and the day after I cried a fair amount, but just chocked it up to grief. But it was there; in that moment, there was a line in his poem... (damn I wish I had a copy of it it was so beautiful... who knew uncle moking was so talented?) it said something like "all the words I thought I had more time to say, now are gone with yesterday.) That line, escaping best mom's lips. It ripped my heart out. And it was then I realized. I never got to tell her. I never got to say thank you. I stayed under the radar to avoid people that don't really matter to me, when I let one huge important influence in my life slip through the cracks and now I cannot even say I'm sorry. How fucked up is that? And I am not sure on which end it is more.
Regret, is a terrible horrible thing that will rip you apart.
Being the kind of person I am I really try not let people see my misery, or my sadness because I am so ashamed sometimes of my big ass heart. So When I got up to read brothers solders eulogy, I thought this is perfect, he is singing the song of happy childhood smiles and I smiled right along with them....until I didn't anymore. I balled like a fucking baby in front of a room full of 60 some odd people that were like who the fuck is this girl? and I felt ashamed, as the crappy people I avoided steely gazed me like I had no right to mourn. But no one knew what I was mourning that day. No one has truly understood except best mom since, what I always mourn. The loss of a women who never had to love me, had no obligation to me. But always did. She always listened to me when I needed her no matter what. Always tried to guide me through my life the best way she knew how. Someone I took for granted and assumed she would be around for me to say thank you, but she was gone in the snap of my fingertips.....
Several people there were mourning their rock, their lifeline, hell I hate to say it but... their meal ticket. Not me, I was mourning the woman I loved, and my own damned stupidity and selfishness.
So cool kid and I are talking about the weaving loom, and how much she really enjoyed weaving. I started without thinking to talk about Juju and the weaving loom she gave me one year as a Christmas gift, The doll Elena she made for me, the many things she always did for me. and the next thing I know we are talking about 99 cent store trips for almond cookies and swimming in kitties pool and summers in Covina, and it's the first time in a long time I have thought of "unofficial grandma" and smiled. Because I'm lucky. I'm damn luck. I hope she knows.... how much I really love her.
Part of the reason this year was so hard for me up to this point has been due to her loss.
I know there are people who probably question that because for the last seven or so years of my adult life our chats and correspondences were few and far between. In retrospect this makes me so sad, because the reason for that was, 1. life and 2. stupid people I don't respect surrounding a great woman I always loved and respected more then I was ever able to express to her. I guess you always think tomorrow you will get the chance. I never even realized that until uncle moking had his poem to his mother read by my best mom at the memorial.I never put it all together until then.
The night I heard the news and the day after I cried a fair amount, but just chocked it up to grief. But it was there; in that moment, there was a line in his poem... (damn I wish I had a copy of it it was so beautiful... who knew uncle moking was so talented?) it said something like "all the words I thought I had more time to say, now are gone with yesterday.) That line, escaping best mom's lips. It ripped my heart out. And it was then I realized. I never got to tell her. I never got to say thank you. I stayed under the radar to avoid people that don't really matter to me, when I let one huge important influence in my life slip through the cracks and now I cannot even say I'm sorry. How fucked up is that? And I am not sure on which end it is more.
Regret, is a terrible horrible thing that will rip you apart.
Being the kind of person I am I really try not let people see my misery, or my sadness because I am so ashamed sometimes of my big ass heart. So When I got up to read brothers solders eulogy, I thought this is perfect, he is singing the song of happy childhood smiles and I smiled right along with them....until I didn't anymore. I balled like a fucking baby in front of a room full of 60 some odd people that were like who the fuck is this girl? and I felt ashamed, as the crappy people I avoided steely gazed me like I had no right to mourn. But no one knew what I was mourning that day. No one has truly understood except best mom since, what I always mourn. The loss of a women who never had to love me, had no obligation to me. But always did. She always listened to me when I needed her no matter what. Always tried to guide me through my life the best way she knew how. Someone I took for granted and assumed she would be around for me to say thank you, but she was gone in the snap of my fingertips.....
Several people there were mourning their rock, their lifeline, hell I hate to say it but... their meal ticket. Not me, I was mourning the woman I loved, and my own damned stupidity and selfishness.
So cool kid and I are talking about the weaving loom, and how much she really enjoyed weaving. I started without thinking to talk about Juju and the weaving loom she gave me one year as a Christmas gift, The doll Elena she made for me, the many things she always did for me. and the next thing I know we are talking about 99 cent store trips for almond cookies and swimming in kitties pool and summers in Covina, and it's the first time in a long time I have thought of "unofficial grandma" and smiled. Because I'm lucky. I'm damn luck. I hope she knows.... how much I really love her.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Snippet 2
Well here we are day two of writing something consecutively. I guess right now for me I am not in a place where I really give a damn what I am writing about, just as long as I get something down period. I remember a time in my life where writing had been a huge outlet for me. I wrote everyday, and there were so many times that, and only that was my saving grace. Lately a night cap has been my outlet. Not really the healthiest of habits when your mom used to be an alcoholic really. But what the hell, I do what I can i guess....
So someday, I really want to write a book. This has been a long term goal for me; more recently I have wanted to write a dark comedy based on just how ridiculous my day to day life can be. I wish I could elaborate on this more... really but there are some big suits out there that keep my lip tightly zipped on this subject, and really that is a big part of why that project has never made it to fruition. It's the fear.
So moving on from that....
I have been thinking a lot about goals, dreams, aspirations.... not just for me but for the cool kid, and Mr. fixit too. I thought I was getting along pretty fabulously, or at least as best I could until Mr. heartonhissleeve showed me a plan, and I was like damn my shit is not together at all! (story of my life) Evil little me creeps in at times like these and is all to happy to point these things out to me and laugh mockingly. That really is the problem with being your own worst enemy.
Anyhoo, I am fairly sure I need a freaking life coach or something to organize it all and separate the wouldn't it be nice if's? from actual reality. I am actually taking a course in a few weeks that I am hoping is going to be my bridge for just that purpose. If it doesn't really work out, I am not really sure what the hell I'm gonna do. I kinda feel like... I have been treading dark water for the entire year, and finally I see this lighted buoy in the distance. I don't have much longer to go until I get to it, and maybe once I do I can just take a breath. Relax a minute. Lay back and float for a minute. Look at the stars and think for a second, without fear that whatever is under that water is going to grab hold and drag me down.
It is really hard to keep swimming and not let it drag you down. It really is. Especially when you have been dragged down in the past. Every time the dark gets a hold of you, if you are lucky enough to resurface from it, there are two things that happen. One, you find you are a little weaker at resisting from future attacks by the dark. Because the dark kills your soul a little every time it gets you. It numbs your brain and your heart a little too. So that even in the greatest highs of your life, you never feel the joy you had before the dark ever got to you. You never laugh the deep belly laughs quite like you did when you were a bright, shiny star.
Number two is you get wiser. But with wisdom is a whole other slew of crappy things. Things like mistrust of people. Cynicism. I remember floating in the air with Mr. fixit and cool kid recently. We were on a para sail on the ocean, evil me was telling me the noise on my upper right was the latch getting ready to give way because I'm a heifer. Naturally my big mouth voices evil me's opinion out loud, and the cool kid... god bless her she is still a bright shiny star.... She say's "Don't worry mom, no matter what happens we will be okay, because god will take care of us." Evil me laughed out loud literally. Cool kid looked at me puzzled asked me if I was laughing at her. I told her of course not, I was laughing at me. I explained that the kind of faith she has is beautiful, and I wished that I was not so damaged that I had none. I encouraged her to hold on to that faith. Not really sure that she even knew what I meant or if she will even remember my words later when she treads water and the dark waves start to roll in..... let's hope for her sake they don't. Cool kid deserves to be a bright shiny star all her life.
So wow got a little off track there..... what was my point here? Oh yes the lighted buoy. Let's just say I am putting a lot of faith in it. Probably a lot more then I really ought to. But I really need it. (I just noticed i say really a whole damned lot.) I'm not saying that everything is all black all the time. I'm just saying that I need there to be no more dark water. The dark water keeps me from being who I want to be. Keeps me from making the life I want with Mr.fixit and the cool kid. If I can just chase that dark water away, I might get more clarity. I might know what I need to do. I might stop aimlessly treading dark water for what seems like my whole damned life. I am in a place where I need the epiphany to really turn it around and make it shine again. Don't get me wrong; I love my family. I really do. I am looking to tie those bonds tighter, make it solid for good. I'm looking to get my compass on the long term track. And really shine in my career sector, be full filled and inspired in my everyday as far as that is concerned. I'm looking to open up time in my life to full fill my sense of adventure too... and be able to share that with Mr. fixit and the cool kid.
It kinda sound like I am trying to make everything perfect don't I? That is not the case... I'm just trying to make everything perfect for me.
So someday, I really want to write a book. This has been a long term goal for me; more recently I have wanted to write a dark comedy based on just how ridiculous my day to day life can be. I wish I could elaborate on this more... really but there are some big suits out there that keep my lip tightly zipped on this subject, and really that is a big part of why that project has never made it to fruition. It's the fear.
So moving on from that....
I have been thinking a lot about goals, dreams, aspirations.... not just for me but for the cool kid, and Mr. fixit too. I thought I was getting along pretty fabulously, or at least as best I could until Mr. heartonhissleeve showed me a plan, and I was like damn my shit is not together at all! (story of my life) Evil little me creeps in at times like these and is all to happy to point these things out to me and laugh mockingly. That really is the problem with being your own worst enemy.
Anyhoo, I am fairly sure I need a freaking life coach or something to organize it all and separate the wouldn't it be nice if's? from actual reality. I am actually taking a course in a few weeks that I am hoping is going to be my bridge for just that purpose. If it doesn't really work out, I am not really sure what the hell I'm gonna do. I kinda feel like... I have been treading dark water for the entire year, and finally I see this lighted buoy in the distance. I don't have much longer to go until I get to it, and maybe once I do I can just take a breath. Relax a minute. Lay back and float for a minute. Look at the stars and think for a second, without fear that whatever is under that water is going to grab hold and drag me down.
It is really hard to keep swimming and not let it drag you down. It really is. Especially when you have been dragged down in the past. Every time the dark gets a hold of you, if you are lucky enough to resurface from it, there are two things that happen. One, you find you are a little weaker at resisting from future attacks by the dark. Because the dark kills your soul a little every time it gets you. It numbs your brain and your heart a little too. So that even in the greatest highs of your life, you never feel the joy you had before the dark ever got to you. You never laugh the deep belly laughs quite like you did when you were a bright, shiny star.
Number two is you get wiser. But with wisdom is a whole other slew of crappy things. Things like mistrust of people. Cynicism. I remember floating in the air with Mr. fixit and cool kid recently. We were on a para sail on the ocean, evil me was telling me the noise on my upper right was the latch getting ready to give way because I'm a heifer. Naturally my big mouth voices evil me's opinion out loud, and the cool kid... god bless her she is still a bright shiny star.... She say's "Don't worry mom, no matter what happens we will be okay, because god will take care of us." Evil me laughed out loud literally. Cool kid looked at me puzzled asked me if I was laughing at her. I told her of course not, I was laughing at me. I explained that the kind of faith she has is beautiful, and I wished that I was not so damaged that I had none. I encouraged her to hold on to that faith. Not really sure that she even knew what I meant or if she will even remember my words later when she treads water and the dark waves start to roll in..... let's hope for her sake they don't. Cool kid deserves to be a bright shiny star all her life.
So wow got a little off track there..... what was my point here? Oh yes the lighted buoy. Let's just say I am putting a lot of faith in it. Probably a lot more then I really ought to. But I really need it. (I just noticed i say really a whole damned lot.) I'm not saying that everything is all black all the time. I'm just saying that I need there to be no more dark water. The dark water keeps me from being who I want to be. Keeps me from making the life I want with Mr.fixit and the cool kid. If I can just chase that dark water away, I might get more clarity. I might know what I need to do. I might stop aimlessly treading dark water for what seems like my whole damned life. I am in a place where I need the epiphany to really turn it around and make it shine again. Don't get me wrong; I love my family. I really do. I am looking to tie those bonds tighter, make it solid for good. I'm looking to get my compass on the long term track. And really shine in my career sector, be full filled and inspired in my everyday as far as that is concerned. I'm looking to open up time in my life to full fill my sense of adventure too... and be able to share that with Mr. fixit and the cool kid.
It kinda sound like I am trying to make everything perfect don't I? That is not the case... I'm just trying to make everything perfect for me.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
snippet 1
Well here it goes off on my third or fourth blogging adventure now... Not sure this whole thing is really going to last; but we will see how it goes.
If anyone ever actually does read this you will find that I am a very blunt and direct writer, none of this flowery words stuff. I write like I talk, and I talk like I think.... although there might be a point where some flowery, poetic thoughts are in there.... for the most part I am a realist with a touch of a dreamers bug from time to time. lol okay who am I really kidding all the time.
I have terrible, terrible, grass is greener syndrome. Pretty much anyone that knows me, knows that and can back this up. Every day or every week I am always driving myself crazy with the wouldn't it be nice if? Hell just this morning in the shower I was talking to my husband about moving to Hawaii for work someday... and asking if he was in. I think this syndrome stems from the lack of experience really. I have never left the country, never seen most of the damned country for that matter, never really allowed my sense of adventure take over my life.
That all stems from another one of my past issues.... I like to call it the white picket fence syndrome. Unlike some of my favorite people on earth, I spent a good majority of my youth in the race to the pursuit of the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, 2 volvo's, and the chocolate lab in the yard. Ironically I totally got side barred by the unexpected. Mr. fix it, and boooy did I have a job to do. I still do everyday really. One of my friends always pokes fun at me that I like to "fix" people. He is totally right, he calls me on my shit just as he sees it laughs or no. That has been the M.O. most of my adult hood.
Problem is, grass is greener is getting antsy. Hell she is getting old. She wants to figure out how to turn Mr. fix it into Mr. do it your damned self, and get the hell on white picket fence or not to the greatest adventure with the cool kid in tow. Funny thing is, it's hard to really know how to get all that shit started without really knowing where the grand adventure will take you.
Step one for me is internal reflection, and working on the work-front direction in my life.
Life has been weird this year, so that is where I am at.
Baby steps. controlling my controllable's for now.
Wish I had Ms. knowsitall here, distance between us has defiantly been hard on my end this year. The older I get the fewer and far between are the people I truly trust completely; and Ms. Knowsitall and I are like peas and carrots. The veggie's have a hard time when they are separated, shit gets funky. At least it does on the end of the carrots life, cannot really speak for the peas I guess.
If anyone ever actually does read this you will find that I am a very blunt and direct writer, none of this flowery words stuff. I write like I talk, and I talk like I think.... although there might be a point where some flowery, poetic thoughts are in there.... for the most part I am a realist with a touch of a dreamers bug from time to time. lol okay who am I really kidding all the time.
I have terrible, terrible, grass is greener syndrome. Pretty much anyone that knows me, knows that and can back this up. Every day or every week I am always driving myself crazy with the wouldn't it be nice if? Hell just this morning in the shower I was talking to my husband about moving to Hawaii for work someday... and asking if he was in. I think this syndrome stems from the lack of experience really. I have never left the country, never seen most of the damned country for that matter, never really allowed my sense of adventure take over my life.
That all stems from another one of my past issues.... I like to call it the white picket fence syndrome. Unlike some of my favorite people on earth, I spent a good majority of my youth in the race to the pursuit of the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, 2 volvo's, and the chocolate lab in the yard. Ironically I totally got side barred by the unexpected. Mr. fix it, and boooy did I have a job to do. I still do everyday really. One of my friends always pokes fun at me that I like to "fix" people. He is totally right, he calls me on my shit just as he sees it laughs or no. That has been the M.O. most of my adult hood.
Problem is, grass is greener is getting antsy. Hell she is getting old. She wants to figure out how to turn Mr. fix it into Mr. do it your damned self, and get the hell on white picket fence or not to the greatest adventure with the cool kid in tow. Funny thing is, it's hard to really know how to get all that shit started without really knowing where the grand adventure will take you.
Step one for me is internal reflection, and working on the work-front direction in my life.
Life has been weird this year, so that is where I am at.
Baby steps. controlling my controllable's for now.
Wish I had Ms. knowsitall here, distance between us has defiantly been hard on my end this year. The older I get the fewer and far between are the people I truly trust completely; and Ms. Knowsitall and I are like peas and carrots. The veggie's have a hard time when they are separated, shit gets funky. At least it does on the end of the carrots life, cannot really speak for the peas I guess.
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