Well here we are day two of writing something consecutively. I guess right now for me I am not in a place where I really give a damn what I am writing about, just as long as I get something down period. I remember a time in my life where writing had been a huge outlet for me. I wrote everyday, and there were so many times that, and only that was my saving grace. Lately a night cap has been my outlet. Not really the healthiest of habits when your mom used to be an alcoholic really. But what the hell, I do what I can i guess....
So someday, I really want to write a book. This has been a long term goal for me; more recently I have wanted to write a dark comedy based on just how ridiculous my day to day life can be. I wish I could elaborate on this more... really but there are some big suits out there that keep my lip tightly zipped on this subject, and really that is a big part of why that project has never made it to fruition. It's the fear.
So moving on from that....
I have been thinking a lot about goals, dreams, aspirations.... not just for me but for the cool kid, and Mr. fixit too. I thought I was getting along pretty fabulously, or at least as best I could until Mr. heartonhissleeve showed me a plan, and I was like damn my shit is not together at all! (story of my life) Evil little me creeps in at times like these and is all to happy to point these things out to me and laugh mockingly. That really is the problem with being your own worst enemy.
Anyhoo, I am fairly sure I need a freaking life coach or something to organize it all and separate the wouldn't it be nice if's? from actual reality. I am actually taking a course in a few weeks that I am hoping is going to be my bridge for just that purpose. If it doesn't really work out, I am not really sure what the hell I'm gonna do. I kinda feel like... I have been treading dark water for the entire year, and finally I see this lighted buoy in the distance. I don't have much longer to go until I get to it, and maybe once I do I can just take a breath. Relax a minute. Lay back and float for a minute. Look at the stars and think for a second, without fear that whatever is under that water is going to grab hold and drag me down.
It is really hard to keep swimming and not let it drag you down. It really is. Especially when you have been dragged down in the past. Every time the dark gets a hold of you, if you are lucky enough to resurface from it, there are two things that happen. One, you find you are a little weaker at resisting from future attacks by the dark. Because the dark kills your soul a little every time it gets you. It numbs your brain and your heart a little too. So that even in the greatest highs of your life, you never feel the joy you had before the dark ever got to you. You never laugh the deep belly laughs quite like you did when you were a bright, shiny star.
Number two is you get wiser. But with wisdom is a whole other slew of crappy things. Things like mistrust of people. Cynicism. I remember floating in the air with Mr. fixit and cool kid recently. We were on a para sail on the ocean, evil me was telling me the noise on my upper right was the latch getting ready to give way because I'm a heifer. Naturally my big mouth voices evil me's opinion out loud, and the cool kid... god bless her she is still a bright shiny star.... She say's "Don't worry mom, no matter what happens we will be okay, because god will take care of us." Evil me laughed out loud literally. Cool kid looked at me puzzled asked me if I was laughing at her. I told her of course not, I was laughing at me. I explained that the kind of faith she has is beautiful, and I wished that I was not so damaged that I had none. I encouraged her to hold on to that faith. Not really sure that she even knew what I meant or if she will even remember my words later when she treads water and the dark waves start to roll in..... let's hope for her sake they don't. Cool kid deserves to be a bright shiny star all her life.
So wow got a little off track there..... what was my point here? Oh yes the lighted buoy. Let's just say I am putting a lot of faith in it. Probably a lot more then I really ought to. But I really need it. (I just noticed i say really a whole damned lot.) I'm not saying that everything is all black all the time. I'm just saying that I need there to be no more dark water. The dark water keeps me from being who I want to be. Keeps me from making the life I want with Mr.fixit and the cool kid. If I can just chase that dark water away, I might get more clarity. I might know what I need to do. I might stop aimlessly treading dark water for what seems like my whole damned life. I am in a place where I need the epiphany to really turn it around and make it shine again. Don't get me wrong; I love my family. I really do. I am looking to tie those bonds tighter, make it solid for good. I'm looking to get my compass on the long term track. And really shine in my career sector, be full filled and inspired in my everyday as far as that is concerned. I'm looking to open up time in my life to full fill my sense of adventure too... and be able to share that with Mr. fixit and the cool kid.
It kinda sound like I am trying to make everything perfect don't I? That is not the case... I'm just trying to make everything perfect for me.
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