So Yesterday namdad sends me a message saying my great aunt Dorothy is in rehab and feels like giving up. said she was done. I found it slightly ironic because I was just talking about owlgran and gigglepa what two days ago? This woman is the last living direct link to them.
Thought it was a shame, but damn the woman is 90. She defiantly enjoyed the time she has had.
Well this morning I get two simultaneous texts. Namdad and bestmom. Namdad says she is gone, call me I'm at the store. And two things crossed my mind right off the bat. That's a shame and damn that woman has some tenacity. She says just yesterday she was going to do something and low and behold she did. Takes an amazing soul to take control of your life like that.
My next thought is damn. I got stuff to do today I cannot call namdad today.
It's not like that, until it is I guess.
Here is the thing, evil me, self righteous me, grass is greener..... all of queserasera is fucking exhausted today. Why today and not yesterday I cannot say. But we are and as much as we have been wallowing in our own shit lately, it takes a whole lot of energy to "just keep swimming" and wallow in someone else's shit. On top of that; it's is twice as hard to try to explain that to someone without sounding like a heartless bitch. So there it is I guess .... selfish bitch can hop on right along with the rest of em on board ship queserasera.
I just don't think I can muster the energy to keep swimming and carry namdad, and his no place like home weighted backpack and still stay afloat today. I guess that's pretty fucked up.
I'm sure it will get pointed out to me in my own desperate time of need. Not a lot to be done about it.
The thing is, all these different facets of me, most of them are lesser versions of namdad.
So if i am a "miss melancholy" (by the way yes, i know the url is spelled wrong that is the only way I could keep the name the actual spelling was taken) imagine how bad namdad is.
If I am a stress case imagine him. Now imagine being all those things and being the number one crutch for someone else's issues and you can kinda see my point. Let's also not forget the one distinct difference between us. I learn from my regrets, I know when I need to check myself, I admit to my faults.
Being someone else's crutch is difficult. Especially when you are one of maybe two people in the universe that understand the person your carrying. You know they need you, and you know why... and pretty much no one else understands at all. It's a lot of responsibility to have.
Especially when you are sick yourself, and they are part of the reason why.
Nothing I'm saying above by the way takes away from the fact that I have nothing but love for namdad, and lots and lots of devotion. I'm just saying it's not perfect, far from it. I'm just being real. Lot's of people have issue with me for that reason. Good thing nobody is reading this shit.
I'm kinda glad for that for the time being. I kinda started this thing for god and for me, and that is it. I did invite some close family to read the juju post but only cause I wanted them to see my side.
In a lot of ways this little writing adventure reminds me of an expanded version of my thoughts to god I often have when I am driving. Except it's external and that is what makes it more therapeutic for me. I'm not one that always needs a prayer or a ritual to feel connected to whatever "god" is. I just need a one sided conversation.... and an occasional delayed reply.
I know them when I see them.
As for Aunt dorothy, Uncle verlin, owlgran, & gigglepa. I know they are ok and happy to be together. Now come visit me and get me to long beach on my birthday.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHXpnZi9Hzs
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