Snippet 4

Day 4. Gotta say, randomly writing thoughts somewhere has been pretty damn therapeutic for my G.A.D. I think because I am what I consider to be an "ideas person" that I have so many thoughts a day. so many ideas a day.... Not getting some of them out somewhere can be frustrating without me even knowing it. I am a compassionate person. I probably think about, wonder about, and care about more people then that think about me.

Sometimes evil me hates that a lot. She laughs mockingly at me when I get over sensitive or butt hurt about something I probably should not. I attribute my sensitive nature to namdad.
He is a lot more sensitive then me. And seems to always have pent up anger and frustration.

owlgran used to always say it was because of his time in the junglewar. She would always tell me he was never like that before. I always wondered if she was right or if she had scewed perception. I mean her and gigglepa never had anything but great things to say about unclepoppy even though it was clear he had a unique affection for all things chemical. It took over his whole life as far as I could see. He never showed love to us, never came around. Rarely called. Ended his days by the spoon and needle. Lonely and pretty dark, I imagine.

Sometimes when the dark water rolls in and I think I can almost understand how something like that can take over. But I have seen too much of that in my surroundings in this life time, knew from a young age I would never give in to those kind of demons.

I think gigglepa saw some dark things in his early days too. But he turned it around all his life. Smiling, joking, singing. He made an entire room shine, kept everyone smiling. Some of my favorite memories ever of are of him and owlgran on Arboleta street. My favorite thing was standing at the screen door watching the spot light trace the skyline, or listening to the old 45's. How can you not smile when you are singing about doggie's in the window or parades?

I miss those two everyday. Would kill for an hour of time for a conversation and a hug. All the things I would love to say. Tell them about cool kid. I know gigglepa and owlgran would just adore her and she them.

"And while they grow up you will show up
In things they do and say
Like a reflection to a connection
Of who they'll be one day
They will learn to get their wings
And fly through the changes life will bring
So on
And it will go on
And you will go on"

God listen here. I'm having a mellow okay day and here I am writing myself into the dark, sad place. I gotta work on that shit.

Pth.... the good stuff, the good stuff, talk about the good stuff.

Mr. fixit, coolkid, & I are together all day. That is great. We needed it. It's a mellow day. We are enjoying each others company today. I woke up this morning, wiped the sleep from my eyes and Mr. fixit gave me a good morning warm embrace and a kiss. It was so nice. Those small gestures can make or break my day. The little pleasantries are what make me the most happy.

We are excited to go to mexicali fest later. Usually we jam on down with friends. I think last time we went we had Ms. knowsitall and artsygirl in tow and we had a great time. Although I know I will miss that aspect. I feel like something so simple is going to be a good bonding experience for us today. It's just the vibe that I am getting. And I am cool with that, bonding is on my list of priorities right now. :)