I have seen so much growth in myself the last couple weeks. I have seen a lot little validations that let me know I am doing the right thing :)
I have to say I really have the Landmark Forum to thank, even though they are boarderline harassing the hubby trying to get him to go... he does not seem to interested.
Maybe it is not for everyone, but it certainly was for me.
I don't have perfect "magically delicious" life, but the way I roll with things has really changed and that is such a relief to me. I smile more often, and more authentically.
I take pleasure in the little moments I didnt have time to before, because I was too busy stressing myself out.
I no longer feel a pang of jealously and regret every time I hear a Lionel Richie song... (this one is huge) Anyone who has had mom issues probably knows, that crap can really ruin you.
But now I just love my mom. Whatever happens, whatever has happened... it just is, and it does not have to mean a damn thing, and it does not have to do a thing with me. That alone is such a huge load off of my back it is freaking amazing, because that one thing, was the root of a million other things, like a string of pearls... or anger, frustration, sadness, self doubt, fear.
I listen more and better. I still have the same big ass mouth I have always have had, but I now know that I need to shut my mouth and take a minute, stop and listen and say thank you sometimes.
My relationships with people I never dreamed could be better or be anything, are starting to develop.
I'm starting to streamline my focus, and really believe i can accomplish the things I always secretly feared I was not good enough or smart enough to do.
I am a better mother, and everyday I want to be even better.
I'm looking forward to continuing this process in my 10 week course. I have never been one to really look forward to a class ... but here I am.
Here are the things I want to continue to work on that I know I still need to hone in on
*Follow through
* Improving time mangement
* Life priortizing
* strengthening the relationships I feel have weakened Specifically my friends that are far from my reach (miss know it all you are #1 on the list)
* taking an online excell class
* getting clutter free and organizing all aspects of my life
*getting out and living- taking walks... etc.
* getting creative in my relationship
I( wish I had a secretary :b
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
snippet 11- the first breakdown of many I am sure
So it all started Monday and it is been progressing. The greatness of loosing your rackets and becoming free is that you now are... the drawback is not everyone else is.
Without everyone else being where you are sometimes it is still hard to communicate and it gives a nice little in for your rackets to trickle back in too. The positive thing I can say now is that I am aware of them. So I know how to snap then shut like a clam shell and push them back.
That's good. What is sad for me right now is feeling misunderstood by some of the people around me. Hearing the feedback that some of them have.
Also having the issue I have currently happening within my life, has been upsetting for me because I feel like thier is a lot of anger, resentment, and judgement being focused at me.
I am in a place where I am trying really hard to just make peace with the fact that not everyone is always going to approve of where I am at or what I do.
But when I feel like I am being judged on the choices I have made in the recent past, that I feel are the best ones, it can be a hard pill to swallow.
For right now, I am doing what i can. But pretty quick here I am going to have to figure out a way to resolve this issue and above all else protect the one person most important to me or I am going to have to default to plan B and totally overhaul my life completely.
Either way, right now, in this moment... I'm just trying to breathe. Just trying to stay here now. Create a plan to move forward and not revert back to old behaviors.
Not falling back on old habits is hard. But leaving the load I've been carrying for so long behind me, where it should be .... has never been more clear to me that it is the right thing to do.
Without everyone else being where you are sometimes it is still hard to communicate and it gives a nice little in for your rackets to trickle back in too. The positive thing I can say now is that I am aware of them. So I know how to snap then shut like a clam shell and push them back.
That's good. What is sad for me right now is feeling misunderstood by some of the people around me. Hearing the feedback that some of them have.
Also having the issue I have currently happening within my life, has been upsetting for me because I feel like thier is a lot of anger, resentment, and judgement being focused at me.
I am in a place where I am trying really hard to just make peace with the fact that not everyone is always going to approve of where I am at or what I do.
But when I feel like I am being judged on the choices I have made in the recent past, that I feel are the best ones, it can be a hard pill to swallow.
For right now, I am doing what i can. But pretty quick here I am going to have to figure out a way to resolve this issue and above all else protect the one person most important to me or I am going to have to default to plan B and totally overhaul my life completely.
Either way, right now, in this moment... I'm just trying to breathe. Just trying to stay here now. Create a plan to move forward and not revert back to old behaviors.
Not falling back on old habits is hard. But leaving the load I've been carrying for so long behind me, where it should be .... has never been more clear to me that it is the right thing to do.
Monday, October 15, 2012
snippet 10 - My landmark forum experience
Been immersed in my weekend so I have been out of touch with all things electronic pretty much for a few days other then my phone and the people I needed to have conversations with. It was great. I didn't miss this white background, or who was saying what on face book for one second.
So before I left for my landmark forum, I read a lot of bad reviews and did extensive research on it because I was in such a state of anxiety over going. Truth is I was just in a constant state of anxiety period.
So first off I have to say the entire thing start to finish was not at all what I expected.
And I am positive that from start to finish it was not at all the same for me as it was for any other person.
Since I left, I have talked to a few friends here and there and a few have dared to suggest that people who seek out this program are weak minded and that its a cult.
Before I went to this class I would have cared about that. I would have cared what others think. But right now I just don't. Because I know what I experienced and it was the greatest experience of my life next to having the cool kid. So they can say whatever they want, and it means nothing.... and guess what? I will keep inviting them to come.
So anyhow, I loved every minute. I made such amazing and impactful relationships it is still completely crazy to me. I walked into that class sad and alone and walked out Sunday night free and part of a landmark family. I know I might not stay in touch every day but I know that I will always love my people, and be in touch with them one way or another. The people that touched, moved, and inspired me this last weekend was the best part of my experience and without them I would have never gotten what I did.
I will not ever be able to thank the person that invited me enough for what she did. Jenn, I can honestly tell you authentically now that I really love you, and thank you.
Tomorrow is my last night of my course, and even though just four days ago I was thinking I would skip that class.... now I would not miss it for the world. I cannot wait to introduce my family to my landmark family.....
So before I left for my landmark forum, I read a lot of bad reviews and did extensive research on it because I was in such a state of anxiety over going. Truth is I was just in a constant state of anxiety period.
So first off I have to say the entire thing start to finish was not at all what I expected.
And I am positive that from start to finish it was not at all the same for me as it was for any other person.
Since I left, I have talked to a few friends here and there and a few have dared to suggest that people who seek out this program are weak minded and that its a cult.
Before I went to this class I would have cared about that. I would have cared what others think. But right now I just don't. Because I know what I experienced and it was the greatest experience of my life next to having the cool kid. So they can say whatever they want, and it means nothing.... and guess what? I will keep inviting them to come.
So anyhow, I loved every minute. I made such amazing and impactful relationships it is still completely crazy to me. I walked into that class sad and alone and walked out Sunday night free and part of a landmark family. I know I might not stay in touch every day but I know that I will always love my people, and be in touch with them one way or another. The people that touched, moved, and inspired me this last weekend was the best part of my experience and without them I would have never gotten what I did.
I will not ever be able to thank the person that invited me enough for what she did. Jenn, I can honestly tell you authentically now that I really love you, and thank you.
Tomorrow is my last night of my course, and even though just four days ago I was thinking I would skip that class.... now I would not miss it for the world. I cannot wait to introduce my family to my landmark family.....
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
snippet 9
it's funny, sometimes as I stare at this white background I have no freaking clue what I will end up writing about today. I think that is the therapeutic part of this exercise. It really is whatever comes to me.
So coolkid got enrolled to talk to someone about the mean kids she has been dealing with for a while, and today I asked her how it went after the first session and she tells me well, she asked me why I was being bullied and I told her that you and I think it is because " I'm not Mexican."
These are the moments as a parent that you literally want to become a puddle and sink into the floor. I was like what? Then I remembered this article I read yesterday about how to talk to your kids about sex, and there were two examples there of where parents thought they had imparted all these words of wisdom on their child and then the editor of the article asked the kids what the parents had told them, and the kids said their parents said "don't have sex until marriage" & "use a condom"
I realized I had a similar thing happening here and that this, was a teachable moment for me.
So I made a point to address the actual things I had said and the points that I had made and why they are different and not exactly what she had summarized to the pscyh out there that now probably thinks I am a racist mommy.
So we are all clear here, what I said was the kids have different cultural backgrounds then cool kid has in our lives.... and a lot of the moms are friends with each other and that the kids all hang out together outside of school and that makes her probably stand out to them in addition to the difference in the way she looks in comparison then most of the other kids. All points I think, are completely and totally valid as well as 99.9% true.
I really hope someone out there does not get the wrong impression, but most importantly I dont want cool kid to get the wrong impression. That is most important to me. I may be blunt in my communication and very direct, but I embrace everyone no matter who they are and want my coolkid to have the same heart for people too.
I would never steer her in another way. So although I pride myself in my blunt honesty... I guess I learned today that I may still not always be conveying the message I think I am delivering because it is all in the hands of the person who is receiving it. And perception I think is not something you can really have a full grasp on controlling.
I sometimes forget my "Tween" is still a coolkid and not my coolfullydevelopedhuman. But then again are we ever really fully developed?
I know there are more days then not that I do not feel like I am ~ today is one of those days.....
So coolkid got enrolled to talk to someone about the mean kids she has been dealing with for a while, and today I asked her how it went after the first session and she tells me well, she asked me why I was being bullied and I told her that you and I think it is because " I'm not Mexican."
These are the moments as a parent that you literally want to become a puddle and sink into the floor. I was like what? Then I remembered this article I read yesterday about how to talk to your kids about sex, and there were two examples there of where parents thought they had imparted all these words of wisdom on their child and then the editor of the article asked the kids what the parents had told them, and the kids said their parents said "don't have sex until marriage" & "use a condom"
I realized I had a similar thing happening here and that this, was a teachable moment for me.
So I made a point to address the actual things I had said and the points that I had made and why they are different and not exactly what she had summarized to the pscyh out there that now probably thinks I am a racist mommy.
So we are all clear here, what I said was the kids have different cultural backgrounds then cool kid has in our lives.... and a lot of the moms are friends with each other and that the kids all hang out together outside of school and that makes her probably stand out to them in addition to the difference in the way she looks in comparison then most of the other kids. All points I think, are completely and totally valid as well as 99.9% true.
I really hope someone out there does not get the wrong impression, but most importantly I dont want cool kid to get the wrong impression. That is most important to me. I may be blunt in my communication and very direct, but I embrace everyone no matter who they are and want my coolkid to have the same heart for people too.
I would never steer her in another way. So although I pride myself in my blunt honesty... I guess I learned today that I may still not always be conveying the message I think I am delivering because it is all in the hands of the person who is receiving it. And perception I think is not something you can really have a full grasp on controlling.
I sometimes forget my "Tween" is still a coolkid and not my coolfullydevelopedhuman. But then again are we ever really fully developed?
I know there are more days then not that I do not feel like I am ~ today is one of those days.....
Monday, October 8, 2012
snippet 8
not a lot to report today.
Just your typical day off in which I did not get my laundry or my packing done for this weekend. going to work on that tomorrow, as well as my to do list.
I have a slight level of anxiety about what I need to get done and the work I will be missing, but what else is new? I always have angst about performance and my capabilities. That's why i decided to take on this little project, to get outside of what is holding me back.
I have a terrible habit of measuring myself based on living up to some one or some other entity's expectations. This is the thing that makes me think about running from my life at least once a week.
The fantasy is pretty much always the same. pack up the car with the family and the necessities and just drive off, not worrying about money, where we will sleep or how we will survive. Just figuring it out and saying to hell with anyone else.
In the fantasy we always end up having an amazing time, seeing the country and we do figure it out. At some point we end up on some farm or piece of land somewhere. We are in some gypsy type trailer. There are colorful awning/tent type structures off of the front. we are growing and gathering most of our food, we are thinner, & healthier. I have some crazy ass dread locks down to my ass and colorful flowy gypsy hippie attire and a clean face.
The makeup and beauty industry are not completely lost on me though because I am making creams and peels and sav's out of fruits and herbs and vegetables and selling them at farmers markets and things like that. The funny thing is out of all the times I have had this fantasy I cannot quite remember what mr. fix it does I just know he is there all hippied out and happy. Coolkid is a coolteen and she is self teaching herself and probably knows more then your average teen in traditional school. There is no Tv's, limited cell use. There is however music, and art, and photography, and sometimes there are friends.
It's a pretty damned nice day dream if you ask me. Makes me want to google how to give up all your worldly possessions and go full fledged hippie.... maybe I will.
Just your typical day off in which I did not get my laundry or my packing done for this weekend. going to work on that tomorrow, as well as my to do list.
I have a slight level of anxiety about what I need to get done and the work I will be missing, but what else is new? I always have angst about performance and my capabilities. That's why i decided to take on this little project, to get outside of what is holding me back.
I have a terrible habit of measuring myself based on living up to some one or some other entity's expectations. This is the thing that makes me think about running from my life at least once a week.
The fantasy is pretty much always the same. pack up the car with the family and the necessities and just drive off, not worrying about money, where we will sleep or how we will survive. Just figuring it out and saying to hell with anyone else.
In the fantasy we always end up having an amazing time, seeing the country and we do figure it out. At some point we end up on some farm or piece of land somewhere. We are in some gypsy type trailer. There are colorful awning/tent type structures off of the front. we are growing and gathering most of our food, we are thinner, & healthier. I have some crazy ass dread locks down to my ass and colorful flowy gypsy hippie attire and a clean face.
The makeup and beauty industry are not completely lost on me though because I am making creams and peels and sav's out of fruits and herbs and vegetables and selling them at farmers markets and things like that. The funny thing is out of all the times I have had this fantasy I cannot quite remember what mr. fix it does I just know he is there all hippied out and happy. Coolkid is a coolteen and she is self teaching herself and probably knows more then your average teen in traditional school. There is no Tv's, limited cell use. There is however music, and art, and photography, and sometimes there are friends.
It's a pretty damned nice day dream if you ask me. Makes me want to google how to give up all your worldly possessions and go full fledged hippie.... maybe I will.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
snippet 7
I'm on my way to somewhere.
This week is going to be hella intense but i signed up for it. I feel like I am on the verge to self discovery and acceptance. I'm trying to get the hell on to what is next and i think I am on my way there. I can honestly say the last few months has been some of the most lost I have ever had, and I think I am pulling myself out of the hole. I'm finally trying just to get right with me.
Live for what inspires me, what feels right to me, what means something to me spiritually.
I spend so much damn time trying to be everything for everybody. I need to be what I need for me. that is what this week is about. me being what I need for me. I have this intense crash course class I am taking to just get this all out. get back to basics, and run with it. I used to have dreams, aspirations, passions. I used to believe I could do anything I wanted. I want all of that back.
I do not care about what it costs. I don't care about status. I just want to be happy and fulfilled in my life. I want to be someone I am proud to be.
I am excited to take this journey. I really am. I am going to put faith in the universe and just let it happen. What will be will be... que cera cera. I do not want to look back on my life fourty years from now and say i worked. I want to say I lived. I want to say i treasured every moment of my beautiful girl and inspired her. That I loved openly and honestly and that I have no regrets there.
Speaking of which totally had a change in perception today. So I have had something I wanted for a long time, that I thought was totally off limits I found out today it just turned out to be a lack of communication, and now I am going to get this thing I have wanted for so long and I am excited about it. For the brick wall that I thought was standing in my way.... you have no idea what you really are doing for me, and thank you.
What a change from yesterday! I am feeling so good about the weak ahead! I might be exhausted, but I truly feel like I am going to accomplish something.
This week is going to be hella intense but i signed up for it. I feel like I am on the verge to self discovery and acceptance. I'm trying to get the hell on to what is next and i think I am on my way there. I can honestly say the last few months has been some of the most lost I have ever had, and I think I am pulling myself out of the hole. I'm finally trying just to get right with me.
Live for what inspires me, what feels right to me, what means something to me spiritually.
I spend so much damn time trying to be everything for everybody. I need to be what I need for me. that is what this week is about. me being what I need for me. I have this intense crash course class I am taking to just get this all out. get back to basics, and run with it. I used to have dreams, aspirations, passions. I used to believe I could do anything I wanted. I want all of that back.
I do not care about what it costs. I don't care about status. I just want to be happy and fulfilled in my life. I want to be someone I am proud to be.
I am excited to take this journey. I really am. I am going to put faith in the universe and just let it happen. What will be will be... que cera cera. I do not want to look back on my life fourty years from now and say i worked. I want to say I lived. I want to say i treasured every moment of my beautiful girl and inspired her. That I loved openly and honestly and that I have no regrets there.
Speaking of which totally had a change in perception today. So I have had something I wanted for a long time, that I thought was totally off limits I found out today it just turned out to be a lack of communication, and now I am going to get this thing I have wanted for so long and I am excited about it. For the brick wall that I thought was standing in my way.... you have no idea what you really are doing for me, and thank you.
What a change from yesterday! I am feeling so good about the weak ahead! I might be exhausted, but I truly feel like I am going to accomplish something.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
snippet 6 - we're fucking exausted.
So Yesterday namdad sends me a message saying my great aunt Dorothy is in rehab and feels like giving up. said she was done. I found it slightly ironic because I was just talking about owlgran and gigglepa what two days ago? This woman is the last living direct link to them.
Thought it was a shame, but damn the woman is 90. She defiantly enjoyed the time she has had.
Well this morning I get two simultaneous texts. Namdad and bestmom. Namdad says she is gone, call me I'm at the store. And two things crossed my mind right off the bat. That's a shame and damn that woman has some tenacity. She says just yesterday she was going to do something and low and behold she did. Takes an amazing soul to take control of your life like that.
My next thought is damn. I got stuff to do today I cannot call namdad today.
It's not like that, until it is I guess.
Here is the thing, evil me, self righteous me, grass is greener..... all of queserasera is fucking exhausted today. Why today and not yesterday I cannot say. But we are and as much as we have been wallowing in our own shit lately, it takes a whole lot of energy to "just keep swimming" and wallow in someone else's shit. On top of that; it's is twice as hard to try to explain that to someone without sounding like a heartless bitch. So there it is I guess .... selfish bitch can hop on right along with the rest of em on board ship queserasera.
I just don't think I can muster the energy to keep swimming and carry namdad, and his no place like home weighted backpack and still stay afloat today. I guess that's pretty fucked up.
I'm sure it will get pointed out to me in my own desperate time of need. Not a lot to be done about it.
The thing is, all these different facets of me, most of them are lesser versions of namdad.
So if i am a "miss melancholy" (by the way yes, i know the url is spelled wrong that is the only way I could keep the name the actual spelling was taken) imagine how bad namdad is.
If I am a stress case imagine him. Now imagine being all those things and being the number one crutch for someone else's issues and you can kinda see my point. Let's also not forget the one distinct difference between us. I learn from my regrets, I know when I need to check myself, I admit to my faults.
Being someone else's crutch is difficult. Especially when you are one of maybe two people in the universe that understand the person your carrying. You know they need you, and you know why... and pretty much no one else understands at all. It's a lot of responsibility to have.
Especially when you are sick yourself, and they are part of the reason why.
Nothing I'm saying above by the way takes away from the fact that I have nothing but love for namdad, and lots and lots of devotion. I'm just saying it's not perfect, far from it. I'm just being real. Lot's of people have issue with me for that reason. Good thing nobody is reading this shit.
I'm kinda glad for that for the time being. I kinda started this thing for god and for me, and that is it. I did invite some close family to read the juju post but only cause I wanted them to see my side.
In a lot of ways this little writing adventure reminds me of an expanded version of my thoughts to god I often have when I am driving. Except it's external and that is what makes it more therapeutic for me. I'm not one that always needs a prayer or a ritual to feel connected to whatever "god" is. I just need a one sided conversation.... and an occasional delayed reply.
I know them when I see them.
As for Aunt dorothy, Uncle verlin, owlgran, & gigglepa. I know they are ok and happy to be together. Now come visit me and get me to long beach on my birthday.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHXpnZi9Hzs
Thought it was a shame, but damn the woman is 90. She defiantly enjoyed the time she has had.
Well this morning I get two simultaneous texts. Namdad and bestmom. Namdad says she is gone, call me I'm at the store. And two things crossed my mind right off the bat. That's a shame and damn that woman has some tenacity. She says just yesterday she was going to do something and low and behold she did. Takes an amazing soul to take control of your life like that.
My next thought is damn. I got stuff to do today I cannot call namdad today.
It's not like that, until it is I guess.
Here is the thing, evil me, self righteous me, grass is greener..... all of queserasera is fucking exhausted today. Why today and not yesterday I cannot say. But we are and as much as we have been wallowing in our own shit lately, it takes a whole lot of energy to "just keep swimming" and wallow in someone else's shit. On top of that; it's is twice as hard to try to explain that to someone without sounding like a heartless bitch. So there it is I guess .... selfish bitch can hop on right along with the rest of em on board ship queserasera.
I just don't think I can muster the energy to keep swimming and carry namdad, and his no place like home weighted backpack and still stay afloat today. I guess that's pretty fucked up.
I'm sure it will get pointed out to me in my own desperate time of need. Not a lot to be done about it.
The thing is, all these different facets of me, most of them are lesser versions of namdad.
So if i am a "miss melancholy" (by the way yes, i know the url is spelled wrong that is the only way I could keep the name the actual spelling was taken) imagine how bad namdad is.
If I am a stress case imagine him. Now imagine being all those things and being the number one crutch for someone else's issues and you can kinda see my point. Let's also not forget the one distinct difference between us. I learn from my regrets, I know when I need to check myself, I admit to my faults.
Being someone else's crutch is difficult. Especially when you are one of maybe two people in the universe that understand the person your carrying. You know they need you, and you know why... and pretty much no one else understands at all. It's a lot of responsibility to have.
Especially when you are sick yourself, and they are part of the reason why.
Nothing I'm saying above by the way takes away from the fact that I have nothing but love for namdad, and lots and lots of devotion. I'm just saying it's not perfect, far from it. I'm just being real. Lot's of people have issue with me for that reason. Good thing nobody is reading this shit.
I'm kinda glad for that for the time being. I kinda started this thing for god and for me, and that is it. I did invite some close family to read the juju post but only cause I wanted them to see my side.
In a lot of ways this little writing adventure reminds me of an expanded version of my thoughts to god I often have when I am driving. Except it's external and that is what makes it more therapeutic for me. I'm not one that always needs a prayer or a ritual to feel connected to whatever "god" is. I just need a one sided conversation.... and an occasional delayed reply.
I know them when I see them.
As for Aunt dorothy, Uncle verlin, owlgran, & gigglepa. I know they are ok and happy to be together. Now come visit me and get me to long beach on my birthday.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHXpnZi9Hzs
Monday, October 1, 2012
snippet 5
Alright I do not have enough time in the day. I have so much on my plate and I am freaked out come thursday I am going to not have everything done I need to do, and someone is going to judge me for it. Thing is I doubt anyone really understands how much I really have got going on. I think the snap shot outsiders have of my world pales in comparison to my to do list. I'm a little stressed.
Evil me loves moments like this, to tell me my day to day is not that full or not that hard but that I am just over dramatic and and am not as smart as I should be.
Then egotistical me says that if I couldn't do it then good luck finding someone who could.
Spending my days doing figure eights around my little universe makes me wonder if I am shitty at time management or just shitty at being over-extensive. What I mean by that is... do I give to freely of myself? Do I give too much to everything and everyone else?
Sometimes I just wanna get to the top of the mountain and yell hey!!!!! all you suits, checks, & balances! I am only one me. Spend a day in my shoes and you will see what I mean. Spend a day in my brain and you would have such a better picture of what actually makes sense vs what actually happens.
I feel like for what I do ~ I should already be somewhere else. So I am working on getting there, but first I gotta build a kingdom. It's crazy.
If I ever win the lottery, or ever get rich..... I am straight disappearing for a couple years then I am coming back with a vengeance in my own queserasera universe that will either knock your socks off or you won't get it. I'm a black and white kinda girl in terms of success no room for in between.
Ah see? look there, you got your first glimpse of grass is greener.
Why is it that I am almost 34, and I am no where near where I thought I should be?
Why is it that I am almost 34, and that I do not know where I will end up?
Why is it that I am almost 34 and there are still so many days where I question who I am?
outside the universe I live in? outside the mother to my child? outside the wife to my lover?
These are the things that drive me crazy.
Evil me loves moments like this, to tell me my day to day is not that full or not that hard but that I am just over dramatic and and am not as smart as I should be.
Then egotistical me says that if I couldn't do it then good luck finding someone who could.
Spending my days doing figure eights around my little universe makes me wonder if I am shitty at time management or just shitty at being over-extensive. What I mean by that is... do I give to freely of myself? Do I give too much to everything and everyone else?
Sometimes I just wanna get to the top of the mountain and yell hey!!!!! all you suits, checks, & balances! I am only one me. Spend a day in my shoes and you will see what I mean. Spend a day in my brain and you would have such a better picture of what actually makes sense vs what actually happens.
I feel like for what I do ~ I should already be somewhere else. So I am working on getting there, but first I gotta build a kingdom. It's crazy.
If I ever win the lottery, or ever get rich..... I am straight disappearing for a couple years then I am coming back with a vengeance in my own queserasera universe that will either knock your socks off or you won't get it. I'm a black and white kinda girl in terms of success no room for in between.
Ah see? look there, you got your first glimpse of grass is greener.
Why is it that I am almost 34, and I am no where near where I thought I should be?
Why is it that I am almost 34, and that I do not know where I will end up?
Why is it that I am almost 34 and there are still so many days where I question who I am?
outside the universe I live in? outside the mother to my child? outside the wife to my lover?
These are the things that drive me crazy.
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