Fear

today has had its ups and downs.
Taylor graduated from her forum. At first I was not too sure if she got it, but by the end of the day I was.
We celebrated with some family and a friend, and then went home.

But on the flip side I have been dismissing anxiety again and again all day long.
I have not had to deal with this level of anxiety since before my forum.

It all has to do with work. Ever since last week, I just feel as though there is a negative tone that I cannot shake off because I can't control other people.

I don't want to control other people actually. I just want all the negativity to fall away.

I wish I could just swipe away whatever makes me anxious or whatever happened like chalk on a chalk board and start fresh.

Of course I have learned I actually CAN do that, but when you are batting at anxiety ridden butterfly's in the pit of your stomach all day it really makes it hard to stay present to the blank board in front of you.

I wish I could go on a pilgrimage to purify my soul. I could just pack up and take off and see what I want, feel what I want, and DO what I want.

One of the things I think I have always been so hard on myself for was how much I feel things.  How emotional I am.

Yet, it is the thing I find most beautiful about my child. So why so hard on myself?

Why do I have to continue to make peace with WHO I AM?

I know life is going to continue to come at me, that I will continue to have to keep choosing vanilla..... That I have to keep clearing the slate...... but some days, I am just exhausted.

Some days I just want to dip my feet into the sand, feel the wind in my hair, and watch the sun go down. A million miles away from my life, a million miles away from my choices and commitments.

Where home seems to be

So a few months back when I got first introduced to this chant, I worried I was doing it all wrong. And that one of the main reasons why I felt I never really attached myself to organized religion it was always all those rules.

Then about 3 weeks ago I spoke to Doreen and told her I thought I should get better at doing these chants and that I failed at the pronunciation of all the prayers.

She said all i need to know is nam myoho renge kyo and that I could chant it anywhere I want.
That often she chants it in the car.

And I was like awesome no restrictions back to the chanting.

I have chanted everyday since for different amounts of time and wherever I see fit. Sometimes multiple times daily, sometimes only once.

I really feel it helps me. I really feel at peace here in this chant.

I now want to learn a whole lot more about Buddhism in general as a result.

I cannot say I will ever commit to one religion, I find so many great things in many of them.

What I can say is this: I have never felt more at home then I do in this chant, and that is the truth.

Head first

I feel like the last 7 days have been a lot of delving into the unknown. It's like jumping in a dark pool of water; both scary and exhilarating... not really sure how you will end up once you reach the surface again.

I bought a domain name and web hosting not knowing a thing about building a website. Then I took a leap of faith entrusting the task to someone to help me.

In that respect, I am so impatient with the progress because right now I do not feel like there is any.

 I have a pretty damn good idea what I am going to talk about there.

I chose the name love-is-beauty so I could have the freedom to discuss whatever is beautiful to me.

Right now that falls under a very wide range of things, like health, cosmetics and skin care, self love, body acceptance, holistic wellness, relationships, nature.... I like that I get to keep the subject matter pretty open. I wonder though (this is the tiny voice in my head) if anyone will even wonder what the hell makes me the authority on anything or if I will even get any readers, and if it will lead anywhere.

I am trying to stifle those thoughts and just be in the possibility that it will be everything I need it to be, and more.

The other thing I have really been doing this week is really feeling out this idea that I can do what I really want.

I am pretty set on going back to school in spring, even if it means going to work part time.
I am really digging the description of this ayurvedic course at one school. I am waiting to hear back, go tour the school, and figure out the time and money it will take... but you know the whole thing just feels so right to me. I can visualize myself doing it. Usually when I can really visualize something, that is when I know it is real.

I really want it to go the way it does in my head, because in my possibility..... it is awesome.

I just really feel like, this is it. This is my calling. When I think about living in this, letting all the other things fall away that I have been white knuckling for so long it is an easy and pleasurable experience.

The only reason I feel like I have held on to the things that have made me so unhappy is because I did not know where to go. It was like being a little girl lost in the dark....

But now I can see where I belong and I just want to keep running toward the light.

I have also been re connecting with my artsy fartsy side. I started painting Christmas crafts, nothing major.... but it is a good start. It feels therapeutic and I really love it.
Especially today as I sang Barbara Streisand at the top of my lungs and remembered my mom.

Doreen said to me, this is when you begin your spiritual relationship with you mother,
In moments like those ones.... I know she is right.





Run Wild - Barbara Streisand

20/20

Some people get their personal aha's in meditation, I get them with the wind blowing in my hair and the music blaring out the window.

As part of living in this possibility of health, I am naturally trying to dismantle my own personally assaulting impulses.

One of the big ones is being my own worst enemy. I am so hard on myself. For not being where I should, not acting as I should, not knowing all the answers..... you name it, I hate it about myself and the fixer and changer function automatically kicks right in....

Today I was thinking about all of that. Thinking about me, and my attitude and my actions this year. Where I have been, where I am going, the things that have happened. All the why's.

I started to realize something.  I do not honestly think I have been in such a state of growth mentally since I was in my early teens. Then I was pretty much present to it because I think with puberty you just automatically expect change.

But now I have not been because I had this attitude that society expects you to be fully grown once you reach adulthood.

But I just realized how much I have been growing.

It is not all good, but it is not all bad either.
There has just been a lot the last two years or so that has really been shaping me and changing me.

Now that I know I am in a mental growth spurt, I feel a lot more ok with not being perfect, always saying the right things, or having all the damned answers.

I also feel like hey, I can step back, and get the hell outta my own way for once and fucking give myself room to grow without getting all panties in a bunch already.

I think I am actually making peace with the fact that 1. I am growing  2. I have no idea what exactly the hell what the whole process is gonna look like  3. It is not going to have to be perfect, and it is not going to be. And finally 4. Shit is gonna change.

Change has been mortal enemy with me for so long, that the reistance against it up to this point I think has really held me back.

Shit, If I can just make peace with CHANGE I think I am going to rock this fucking growth spurt.

I used to always be the person who dreamed big in a one day someday kind of way. Someone who always had an excuse to not evolve, to not go with her gut, to believe she cannot follow her heart because I just had to wait for A.B.C. to happen or change around me.

I'm really starting to feel the mind shift there. I am saying what I want, and I am sharing it to let other people know and get feedback. I am taking actions, even if they are baby steps to get one step closer to the other side everyday.

It is kind of a trip. I kinda love it. Que Katy Perry.....

frustrations

This week I have been feeling really frustrated in my work.

I have been positively seeking other ways I can support myself and further my personal aspirations, but being stuck where I am at the moment has been so frustrating to me. Part of the problem is I just feel like I am trying SO HARD to do every thing I am supposed to do, & to be the best I can be in my position.

I honestly feel like I really listen to feedback and really try to take my coaching back into my job.

Where I feel like it all falls short is, the people around me are not changing.

That leads to more coaching for me. Which feels like  1. I am getting thrown under the bus
2. I am being coached, but it is not me that is the problem 3. It makes me react in a irritated and frustrated manner because I am trying so hard and it is never good enough.

I know that what I need to do is let go of being right and also let go being frustrated. But it is honestly so hard for me because I really do not feel like I can do anything else other then not try so hard.

It just is not in my nature to do the bare minimum, and it irritates me that it is acceptable for it to be ok for others to and then it still falls on me.

I feel very stuck and I do not understand what they want from me.

I am constantly being told what my job is, and what I am paid for.... but it makes me want to say then what is your job? and what is the job of all these other people I am supposed to be training and developing? and why is it that I am the only person held to an expectation?

I wish I could see a way out of this frustration so that when I am at work, I am not so miserable because right now I hate my job.

breakdown/breakthrough

possibility: Living my life in a healthy way in all aspects of my life

Today I had the biggest breakdown. I totally knew I was too, right smack dab in the middle of it. I knew what I thought was my upset.... and I literally could not see my way to the other side.....

I was trying to landmark myself through it, counting of the steps...... breathing. sobbing.... then it hit me.

The story. I made a meaning out of a situation and got all upset and caught up.
And you know what I know?

That it doesn't mean a damn thing.

it was like woosh. okay got that. put in the past. Now what is in front of me?

What do I want????

it is all up there at the top of this page, in that one simple statement.

Where I am is not where I want to be or where I am going so why should I let people who I perceive to undervalue me bring me down?

I don't even want to be there.

Living in the most healthy way, allows me to know and choose that I can move myself wherever I need to be to be living my possibility.... It also allows me to know that where I am right now is fine. It is all part of the process.

I do not need to waste time being angry. or upset. I will leave that up to others. That is their choice.

Spent the rest of the night looking at free website/blog sites to get started on that. Booked two business meetings for next week.... AND looked up holistic alternative health practices that are taught locally. Looking in to maybe going to school for Spring. Also had a great talk with the hubby.

Someone told me yesterday that I am lion. That I am powerful. Today I sat back and listened to someone say some words that I perceived to mean that they did not think I was worthy.... (because that is MY real story - it keeps rearing it's ugly head) and I heard her telling me I am a lion and I thought about it, and you know what? damn right I AM.

Que cheezy ass Katy Perry song here.....

I don't care, it's kinda awesome that I have a sound track for my possibility.

<3

2013 the year my mother died

It has been three days since I have had any decent rest, maybe more. Although I had some REM hours last night, I feel like my soul was on the hunt to fix something. So no rest.

I went down to mom and John's Thursday night and left this afternoon. Came home and continued going through everything.

Gena was there when I got there Thursday, and we got right to work. we are pretty good at staying on task together. Late in the evening or early in the morning we finally had a little time to talk. I feel like she is right about us, she knows me more then I expect.

I got to talk about what I have been going through, but I do not think I was a very good listener.

Gena was like the guru of wisdom that day I swear. I told her about the last dream I had about mom and she had the perfect answer. That mom was telling me to wake up in life, she is here. I think she is right about that, physical absence is just so painful... spiritual presence just does not compare.

We talked about me feeling bad for treating mom poorly, and she was quick to ask me if i wished I had more time with mom in a healthy relationship. Of course I do. I got a really good glimpse of that today reading a few letters I mailed my mom when I was a teenager. I was so rude and nasty, my anger just wreaks. It is so unattractive and it made my heart sad, for all her faults my mother was a sweet and kind woman and she loved me. I wish in my life I had not been blind to that, and poisoned into boorish behavior.

The flip side to it is, not a whole lot about me in those Journals..... that stings a bit. especially since we were at such a distance in one time frame and were just rebuilding our relationship in the other

There were also the little glimpse of my moms inner thoughts telling herself to quit smoking and drinking it was killing her even a mention of AA. and that she longed for a spiritual awareness.

reading through the pages about liars and tapped lines, private investigators and wishes for peace.... I heard Gena's voice from Thursday night telling me that mom was never comfortable here; and that she belonged in another realm. It made sense to me when she said it, but I was actually reading her words hearing her voice, and I knew it. She talks of the Spiritual voices she hears around her all the time, I believe she really heard them.

She even mentions angels.

This last two days I feel like I am back in the hospital exhaustion and numbness. My heart is just aching. my body is numb. I could sleep for a million years, and It's 1:40 and I am still wide awake.

On the drive home I cried, I said out loud that I feel like all that I will remember is that this is the year my mother died.
Everything is tainted with it. Everything is wreaking with it. No matter the ups or downs my loss is with me in every moment.

I don't think I am ready to let go of my grief. I think I need to live with it for a while.

I think it will take me more time to process this - this will take longer then anything else I have ever dealt with....

In the meantime, I am trying to stay present to my mother's spiritual presence in my life.

Reading her words, going through her things I feel as though I understand her and I am SO MUCH LIKE HER.

I just miss her. I wish so much for a talk, for a laugh, for a hug. I spent so many years being too angry to love her like I wanted to. 

Why do we waste time that way?