first world problems.

Every time I have them, I remind myself and try to smile a bit.
Someone at work told me this adage, and whenever i feel like a deflated balloon I hear his southern twang in my mind and I just smile... it goes : "two tears in a bucket, muthafuckit."

So here is what is rolling around in my brain this week:

Sisters: Went out with Nicole last week, and got to the bottom of her tension. Seems like this whole relationship between my sisters is going to be a pistol to work out... Yes Doreen I hear you in my head telling me it is not my problem, but here is why I am invested.
I love my sisters. I want us all to be one unit. I am worried they will both regret their decisions later on. I want everyone to be happy and peaceful... Kumbaugh man! Just kumbaugh!!!! And I know my mom would not like the situation at all, and I feel she is watching.

Katy/Landmark: I was a total flake on my communicator status, a bunch of shit got in my way. Happiness (kiddo and sis in law registered) Technology (damned phone stopped working) Illness (felt like ish for three days think it was my new nose spray) Work (always some thing going on - wish i had a dull moment once in a while) Anyhoo my group leader seemed less then thrilled. we will see whats up tomorrow night, but as of now I sort of decided this is my last stint as a communicator because it is too damned much communication for me!

Moving: Oh where to? Found a possible position up north, tom also applied up north. Found a great condo here more then i know I can afford and live the life I want but god what I would not give for AC, a washer and dryer, and GARAGE. Plus it has a FIREPLACE and I have a huge stockings hanging over the fireplace at Christmas boner that it somewhat clouds my better judgement. My thoughts are: maybe I should just stay here until after 8th grade for Taylor. If we stay in our current place i want to move if they raise the rest again. If we move to the new place maybe I will get so fed up with my job i will quit one day and we will be screwed. Or maybe I will rock out some awesome Christmas crafts with Taylor and make it work and suck it up in my career and just be thankful - smile my way through all the bullshit events and sales and act like I give a shit about the corporate retail agenda of the "bigfancy" empire. If we move north we will be starting all over and what if does not work out, but what if it DOES. We will be far from a lot of our family, but close to my dad, step mom and sister.

Work: sort of told them i might be looking to transfer north, and I don't want a management position because I value my life more. wonder if they think I am just a big ass flake and cannot decide what to do in my life or what? Why do I give a shit what they may or may not think? these people and this place is not my LIFE, why do i continually value what they think? how my actions affect them?

My moms place: Cleaning it out at the end of the month, so not looking forward to it. thinking about getting the stuff I want to take to my house. Sad because I feel like this is the nail in the coffin.  Once my mom's space is clear it really means she is not there anymore and she is never coming back. It is a very desolate and alone feeling, especially when your two sisters are busy hating each other.

My mental state: Am I normal? is what I am going through normal? How much of my life and my decisions are a result of my grieving process right now? I cannot help but question it, because in every day I feel the grief, and it is always in the back of my mind.

Summer: despite the rumblings of my brain, still loving it. I have had some KILLER times. Loving the beach so much! Cannot wait to go back. loving the having fun part and just keeping busy and being out doors. I wish that is all I could do, I think about playing hookie every single day of my life... and I am so not a hookie girl normally. My fun with my family and friends is my escape, and I wish I had a whole summer vacation to bask in because no matter what great days off I have, I always feel like I need WEEKS. My desire to be responsible right now is at 0.
Normally responsible is like, my middle name.

Grateful: that these are my problems, not starvation, not genocide, not tsunami's or horrible weather related tragedies... knock on wood.


The words to uncle johns band - by the greatful dead: "Well the first days are the hardest days, don't you worry any more, Cause when life looks like Easy Street, there is danger at your door.
Think this through with me, let me know your mind, Wo, oh, what I want to know, is are you kind? Come hear Uncle John's Band by the riverside,Got some things to talk about, here beside the rising tide. Come hear Uncle John's Band playing to the tide,Come on along, or go alone, he's come to take his children home. Wo, oh, what I want to know, how does the song go"

Summer Lovin

Usually if you were to ask me what my favorite time of year was I would always say Autumn.

Autumn contains my favorite holiday's my birthday (yes, it's a holiday dammit!), Halloween, and thanksgiving.

For some reason though, I have been loving the summer months this year as much as a school kid on vacation.

I think one of the reason's is that this year has been so full of the some of the biggest highs, and the biggest lows in my life, and many of those high points, have been encapsulated in this season.......

 I have spent a lot of time at the beach; I feel as close as I can get to my mom there. This is so sad for me but also very healing. I spent a immensely healing time with my mom's best friend Doreen,  spent a healing weekend at home (the mountains) with one of my oldest and dearest friends & spent time in some of my favorite mountain places,  Just saw another friend that I love and do not get to see often; had great talks and beach time. :)
Had fourth of July with my hubby and friends.... & I have made some great connections and am working on really transforming some aspects of my life.

I have also decided after what seems like the whole of my life to stop hating my body or how I look and say fuck it. this has lead me to a lot of fun in the water in a bathing suit, no trunks, no t shirts or other coverings. Me, my jiggly cellulite ass and thighs are giving the world a middle finger and loving the skin I am in.

Now that doesn't mean I am still not working on loosing weight, I just am not letting my imperfectness hold me back from living; which I have been notorious for in the past.

I am loving myself more then I think i ever have, & appreciating my life and family more then ever. I cannot help that feel these things are gifts; perspective that a devastating situation has given me.

Sitting back and allowing myself to reflect and realize is good practice for me. It is good to know it is not all bad, even though that stuff sometimes feels so much more prominent.

I am trying to focus my intentions and my attention forward, to the possibilities I am creating:
New jobs, New home, Different lifestyle, Starting my own projects, maybe picking up some art, and just reconnecting with myself.

The nam myoho renge kyo has really helped with all of it, but i need to be more consistent.

Good Vibrations

I went to spend the day with my mother's best friend today. I was not really sure what to expect from the day, I just knew that ever since I had become re acquainted with her 2 years ago that I had been dying to see her again, and just talk to her and spend time.

The day was beautiful. I truly feel as though we have a spiritual connection.

I am so open to her, more so then any other human.

She invited me to this meeting tonight and before I even knew what it was I said yes.
I just feel this crazy sense of trust with her, that I cannot describe.

I went and met these beautiful people, and they shared intimate stories with me that I loved hearing.

I learned this chant Nam myoho renge kyo.

Normally I am skeptical about stuff like this..... but the vibrations just felt oddly familiar and a kind of peaceful that can only be found there.

I had some questions and the most interesting answer I had was how you do not verbalize and concentrate on your intention and you literally just focus on the chant.

Coming from a world full of holding on to intention, the description of this process feels strangely very free and enticing.

My mother's best friend made me promise to try this chanting morning and evening for 10 minutes for 30 days, and it was literally the easiest thing for me to say yes to.

I am not committing to anything right now other then giving over my life to this chant every day, twice a day for the next 30 days.

I want to see where this takes me.

Mean girls

I just realized I live in the real life, wide screen version.

I guess it is something I already knew, but never realized.

I wonder if that even makes sense?

But seriously, I live in the world of where all the bitch cheerleaders and clique girls go to die if they do not get pregnant, let themselves go, and marry an old rich man.

This is a huge part of my problem... because mean girls like a good ass licking anywhere they can find it to stroke their ego, and I am in no way an ass licker.

It does not really work out for me in some aspects.

My mother's "fuck you if you don't like it" character has in some way's hurt me and in some way's saved me.

Now all I need is a daddy warbox, to get me out of mean girls and into meaningful....

emotions running the show.

Sometimes I wonder if it will end. I think some people do not know what to make of me. That is fine I guess.

I want to be free right now. Free to explore my life. Free to create what I want. Free to be self expressed. Free to be where I want, to do what matters.

I wish so much that money was not a factor in my life.

Honestly, if I did not have any responsibility I would pack up and leave society for while.

Breathe. Re-connect. Figure stuff out. I really feel like right now I just need a break; and chance to reinvent myself and my life and the core of my existence.

dream big.

It is all I have ever done for as long as I can remember.  In 9th grade I had an art project to create a coat of arms to represent yourself; mine was filled with rainbows and clouds and the word dreamer at the top.

It is the biggest thing I can always remember knowing about myself

The people I idolize most in the whole world are dreamers.... like Marilyn Monroe, John Lennon, Adam Duritz, Yoko Ono, Jim Morrison.... now following their dreams did not always pan out, but the fearlessness of thier tenacity to follow their dreams inspires me.

I am in awe all the time of people who do this everywhere. I love to "follow"  them through social media... check on them from time to time watch for a "follow your dreams tip" to pick up and learn.... and take off myself.

I find most often then not it is the naysayers that kill my dreams. In my head I am shackled by them fighting for freedom.

The naysayers have been present for as long as I can remember. It started with my dad, grew to be people around me too. Friends, society, my sister, even my own husband.

The naysayers are hard to give up. That is the reason it hard to be fearless. In this aspect I am painfully human, and not at all like my idols.

So I adapt .... focus on turning the naysayers to my side. It's like I am Jerry Maguire, only I have 500 gold fish in my bag and I am screaming at everyone I love "dream with me!"  Turning people to dream and take a leap of faith is about as hard as turning Vader away from the dark side.

Besides... I am like a human cornucopia of possibilities and aspirations, I have found that makes it even harder for the naysayers to believe in you; to ride the dream train along side you.

Since my mom died, my soul has been screaming from within to drive the dreamers train off into the sunset..... my biggest problem is I want to fill it with a bunch of naysaying, hitchhiking, loved ones that I can just light up on the road..... & one fellow dreamer that is distracted by her own cornucopia. ...

What's a girl to do? I am DYING to LIVE. How crazy is that?

I am.

Went to dinner with Tom's grandma and while there I started to notice all these funny things. Like, all the elderly people there knew the names of the servers and knew about thier lives a little. They appreciated them.

I thought it sad that our generation and onward are not really like that. To us people outside our circle are disposable. They are mearly nameless, faceless, servers.

How sad we are so dehumanized.

Came home and got the itch to read my Tarot cards. At the end, decided to read an old note fron my mom written in the back of the book.

All of a sudden I came to a huge realization.  I am a lot like my mom.

She felt everything 100% more so then I think the average person does.

So do I. I have always given myself such a hard time for it.

My mother always wrote things down. How she felt, what happened, what it was like.

She poured her love, her pain, her life on pages everywhere. ... any where she could write them.

This blog, is an extension of how I too have always done that.

No matter the time or distance. ... my mother flows through my veins, beats in my heart, and has always lived within me.

It is a comfort and a great sadness to realize that all at the same time.