So I started the South Beach Diet eleven days ago. Phase one of the plan is eliminating all carbs and sugars including fruit from your diet to balance the insulin levels in your blood stream. At first it was easy, partially because I was sick and not all that hungry and like anyone else at the start of any good diet, I was determined.
Then I got some antibiotics in my system, started to feel better and in turn, I started to get hungry.
My inner sugar monger reared it's ugly head like nothing else I ever have seen.
Suddenly all I could think about was sugar, and then I got this intense craving for something I never ever even eat. A chocolate chip baguette french toast with extra syrup and powdered sugar.
I was practically in tears for two days over this internal battle, fighting my determined willpower.
The girl that got me started on this whole thing was telling me don't worry, you will get over it. Keep going, do it for 21 days and it will become habit. All I could think was she was fucking crazy.
Then all of a sudden, I'm not sure what happened but a switch was flipped. And now I feel fine.
I am perfectly happy packing my lunch of tuna, carrots, and half an avacado. Or drinking my coffee no artificial flavored creamer.
Two or three days ago I felt like I was going to die until the day I could allow myself a banana, or a bowl of coach's oats... and now, I'm like whatever. Maybe I should do this for 21 days.
I am shocking myself right now. God I really hope it sticks. Good news is, I have landmark next Wednesday and I think that is really going to help.
(Knock on wood) Maybe, I can really do this. The possibility seems crazy, but I am hopeful for once.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
the sweater
I have a sweater in my drawer to keep me close to you.
I used to try it on once in a while when ever I missed you.
Life went on, and things have changed. Since those days the only thing I do, is pull it out once in a while to think of you.
Im working on a goal right now, and have been thinking of a reward.
where most would want a new outfit, I have decided all I want to do is wear your sweater again
when I want to remember you.
I used to try it on once in a while when ever I missed you.
Life went on, and things have changed. Since those days the only thing I do, is pull it out once in a while to think of you.
Im working on a goal right now, and have been thinking of a reward.
where most would want a new outfit, I have decided all I want to do is wear your sweater again
when I want to remember you.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Choices
This week has been a difficult one. Or should I say the weekend actually.
As I smiled on the sun shining down on me Thursday afternoon at disneyland, I would have never guessed that the very next day, while I was getting ready for work I would see on the news that a kindergarten class was shot to death. That news hit a personal cord with me and broke my heart. I spent the better half of the morning crying. Crying for the kids, crying for the parents, crying for the teachers that lost their lives, crying for the people on the scene, and yes crying for the shooter and his family.
Cool kid and I were talking about him this morning. I was trying to explain to her that even though what he did was so horrific, he must have been hurting for so long to get to a point to do such a terrible thing.
I tried to help her imagine what it must be like to lose three members of your family, and know one of them committed such an atrocious crime, and how it probably did not seem to resemble anything that you would ever expect them to do.
One of the best reasons why I love this kid is because she really could try to imagine it. She has big sucker heart for people just like I do, sometimes I think it is the biggest cross to bear ever... and other times, I know it is what makes us who we are.
Okay on to Saturday... A sinus ick creeped up on me making me miserable Friday afternoon, to top it off the last thing I was told before I shut my eyes is that my "holier then thou" FIL decided to practically OD on a prescription for the second time in what only seems like a month or two. Needless to say I was pissed.
Then I go to work with my head in a snot filled balloon and one ear plugged, and some jerk decided to shoot off over 50 rounds in the parking lot of my closest neighboring mall. Thankfully no one was hurt, but I was like really?
Of course everyone at my work was freaking out. I however remained eerily calm, as I tend to do in situations like that. I will freak out sometimes about what people say or what they think about me, but for some reason for things that matter I have a cool; methodical thought process. Not to mention I was still mad at bornagainbornagain.
And when I am pissed; sometimes I get quiet. Honestly when that happens you know your in serious shit with me.
But let me backtrack a minute, because what I am not telling you is at first, I had a pretty hot head. At first I did say something. And I gave it to him in the whole I am so holy kneel before me way he dishes it out every week via email. Normally I would feel really bad about it later on, but I am still not sorry. I don't think I ever will be either. Someone needed to say something, and that someone usually is me.
"leave it to me to be holding the matches, when the fire trucks show up and there's nobody else to blame"
The more I thought on it though, the madder I got. Not because of me, but because of cool kid mostly. I have had the horrible affliction of people with substance abuse issues and selfishness plaguing my life... and I am so sick up to here with it. And now, I am especially pissed off that Cool kid seems to have to bear some sort of punishment for it too.
Then to top it all off, I get no response. (actually I was not really shocked there) and no thought was given to my jewel of wisdom/ sarcastic/ holy/ bitchy /retort either.
Instead holierthenthou thought it better to go to my sweet friend for a visit and vomit his excuses and his bullshit on her day when she has bigger troubles then he can imagine of her own. After, he choose to continue with his usual boorish ass behavior and who knows what ultimateenabler did for act two of that situation.
So now I am pissed off for cool kid, my sweet friend, mr fixit, and for me.
And the moral of the story is this: Some people I find so completely disgusting it makes me want to vomit myself. holierthenthou, is high on that list.
You don't make excuses and mask your terrible behavior and bad choices by slapping a condition on the face of it and shrug your shoulders as you make everyone around you miserable. You just don't. PERIOD.
The only reason for that type of behavior is because you do not want to change, that is it. Don't give me a fucking excuse for it. Be real, none of us were born yesterday.
Secondly no matter your relationship to such a person you should never yourself make excuses for them and just cry and shrug your shoulders and expect people to accept that. It's not ACCEPTABLE, EVER.
Due to the situation, I feel as though sadly for cool kid I am going to have to find a way to make some serious steps to change my life and cut ties with these people. I'm not really sure how that is going to play out, I'm not even sure it is possible. But at this point I am at a loss for what else to do. I'm angry, and I am sad. I hate to hurt cool kid to save her from the potential of having some of the experiences I have had.
Tough decisions are ahead, and life changes I assume as well.
As I smiled on the sun shining down on me Thursday afternoon at disneyland, I would have never guessed that the very next day, while I was getting ready for work I would see on the news that a kindergarten class was shot to death. That news hit a personal cord with me and broke my heart. I spent the better half of the morning crying. Crying for the kids, crying for the parents, crying for the teachers that lost their lives, crying for the people on the scene, and yes crying for the shooter and his family.
Cool kid and I were talking about him this morning. I was trying to explain to her that even though what he did was so horrific, he must have been hurting for so long to get to a point to do such a terrible thing.
I tried to help her imagine what it must be like to lose three members of your family, and know one of them committed such an atrocious crime, and how it probably did not seem to resemble anything that you would ever expect them to do.
One of the best reasons why I love this kid is because she really could try to imagine it. She has big sucker heart for people just like I do, sometimes I think it is the biggest cross to bear ever... and other times, I know it is what makes us who we are.
Okay on to Saturday... A sinus ick creeped up on me making me miserable Friday afternoon, to top it off the last thing I was told before I shut my eyes is that my "holier then thou" FIL decided to practically OD on a prescription for the second time in what only seems like a month or two. Needless to say I was pissed.
Then I go to work with my head in a snot filled balloon and one ear plugged, and some jerk decided to shoot off over 50 rounds in the parking lot of my closest neighboring mall. Thankfully no one was hurt, but I was like really?
Of course everyone at my work was freaking out. I however remained eerily calm, as I tend to do in situations like that. I will freak out sometimes about what people say or what they think about me, but for some reason for things that matter I have a cool; methodical thought process. Not to mention I was still mad at bornagainbornagain.
And when I am pissed; sometimes I get quiet. Honestly when that happens you know your in serious shit with me.
But let me backtrack a minute, because what I am not telling you is at first, I had a pretty hot head. At first I did say something. And I gave it to him in the whole I am so holy kneel before me way he dishes it out every week via email. Normally I would feel really bad about it later on, but I am still not sorry. I don't think I ever will be either. Someone needed to say something, and that someone usually is me.
"leave it to me to be holding the matches, when the fire trucks show up and there's nobody else to blame"
The more I thought on it though, the madder I got. Not because of me, but because of cool kid mostly. I have had the horrible affliction of people with substance abuse issues and selfishness plaguing my life... and I am so sick up to here with it. And now, I am especially pissed off that Cool kid seems to have to bear some sort of punishment for it too.
Then to top it all off, I get no response. (actually I was not really shocked there) and no thought was given to my jewel of wisdom/ sarcastic/ holy/ bitchy /retort either.
Instead holierthenthou thought it better to go to my sweet friend for a visit and vomit his excuses and his bullshit on her day when she has bigger troubles then he can imagine of her own. After, he choose to continue with his usual boorish ass behavior and who knows what ultimateenabler did for act two of that situation.
So now I am pissed off for cool kid, my sweet friend, mr fixit, and for me.
And the moral of the story is this: Some people I find so completely disgusting it makes me want to vomit myself. holierthenthou, is high on that list.
You don't make excuses and mask your terrible behavior and bad choices by slapping a condition on the face of it and shrug your shoulders as you make everyone around you miserable. You just don't. PERIOD.
The only reason for that type of behavior is because you do not want to change, that is it. Don't give me a fucking excuse for it. Be real, none of us were born yesterday.
Secondly no matter your relationship to such a person you should never yourself make excuses for them and just cry and shrug your shoulders and expect people to accept that. It's not ACCEPTABLE, EVER.
Due to the situation, I feel as though sadly for cool kid I am going to have to find a way to make some serious steps to change my life and cut ties with these people. I'm not really sure how that is going to play out, I'm not even sure it is possible. But at this point I am at a loss for what else to do. I'm angry, and I am sad. I hate to hurt cool kid to save her from the potential of having some of the experiences I have had.
Tough decisions are ahead, and life changes I assume as well.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
visualization of my future, the creation of possibilty
So this may totally be bad habits, but I really don't think it is.
I have decided that although I love the industry I am in, I hate the hours I keep. It's something I have always known, yet something I felt I never had a choice to acknowledge.
Recently I made a choice; a track that stays within my realm and decided that was my destination.
Lately though I am feeling it does not have to be the only one.
A while back my brain would have been too fearful to admit that thought existed, for I am a creature of habit. I like to cozy up, and stay where I know everyone. Much like the guys at the bar of "Cheers."
The flip side to me loving my current habitat is, I have a wildly creative dreamers side.
That every so often shows me images of me being a store owner in a cute little town somewhere and completely owning my whole life; and most importantly my schedule.
The logical side of me has always stood tall on my shoulder telling me I cannot get there because i do not know how.
I want to flick logic off my shoulder and look out into the world and maybe create the possibility that I can own my own business.
Live more of my life on my terms.
Live somewhere less busy, less rude, more country, more slightly hippiesque.
Deep down, I know that is what I want. I know that it's more me.
Starting in January, I will be taking my "Authenticity course" which I accidentally got signed up for, but now I am thinking it's probably the perfect course for me to take.
And I am marching my ass into some college counselor's office around here somewhere to see what options are the right one for me.
Wish me luck ;) I cannot help but laugh as I say that because I could hear Maurish saying in my head that there is no luck....
I have decided that although I love the industry I am in, I hate the hours I keep. It's something I have always known, yet something I felt I never had a choice to acknowledge.
Recently I made a choice; a track that stays within my realm and decided that was my destination.
Lately though I am feeling it does not have to be the only one.
A while back my brain would have been too fearful to admit that thought existed, for I am a creature of habit. I like to cozy up, and stay where I know everyone. Much like the guys at the bar of "Cheers."
The flip side to me loving my current habitat is, I have a wildly creative dreamers side.
That every so often shows me images of me being a store owner in a cute little town somewhere and completely owning my whole life; and most importantly my schedule.
The logical side of me has always stood tall on my shoulder telling me I cannot get there because i do not know how.
I want to flick logic off my shoulder and look out into the world and maybe create the possibility that I can own my own business.
Live more of my life on my terms.
Live somewhere less busy, less rude, more country, more slightly hippiesque.
Deep down, I know that is what I want. I know that it's more me.
Starting in January, I will be taking my "Authenticity course" which I accidentally got signed up for, but now I am thinking it's probably the perfect course for me to take.
And I am marching my ass into some college counselor's office around here somewhere to see what options are the right one for me.
Wish me luck ;) I cannot help but laugh as I say that because I could hear Maurish saying in my head that there is no luck....
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
it's been a strange week....
If there is one thing I have learned in the past few days it's that nothing is as it seems.
People have weird freaking motives for things, sometimes those motives are completely unknown to you.
Makes me glad I have the ones I love, the ones I keep close. There a handful of people that I am reminded this week to never take for granted. Love you guys xo
Most of today has been spent with the kiddo combating the stomach flu, which in my opinion is the most horrible of minor ailments to have. poor kid. Cross your fingers though, I think (knocks on wood) she might be turning the corner.
Thanksgiving is just around the corner and it has had me thinking quite a bit.
Firstly I have been seeing what all my friends are "thankful for" on a semi daily basis and that defiantly gets my own thankful list going.
In addition to that it has allowed me to offer a place in my home to more then just my family for the holiday, which is so huge for me... I almost never have anyone over.
I also have spent a great deal thinking about those less fortunate then myself and have been sending good vibes out to them as the weather gets colder and thinking about making a day trip with a group of friends to feed the homeless at a shelter or soup kitchen. although, I have to admit that hardly seems like enough.
I'm a big hearted person by nature. I have honestly thought about forgoing all gifts this year and putting the money into feeding the homeless or providing blankets and other supplies.
I am pretty sure many of the people in my life would think I was off my rocker should I decide to do such a thing, but it is really hard for me to fathom why I need one more trivial item in my life when there are so many people out there without a warm place to even lay their head.
It would make me feel better to give it all away to complete strangers and just enjoy the company of my family and close friends in lieu of gifts this year. gotta run this idea past the hubby so we will see...
Rather then recite all of the things I am thankful for every day of the month like several of my friends have, I would rather write them all down here. Mostly for myself more then anything else. This way the second I get all bitchy and whiny I can come back here, read this list and shut my mouth... so here it is.
1. My husband (he gets a lot less credit from me more often then he deserves; & because I love him.)
2. My daughter. The absolute greatest thing that has ever happened to me ever.
3. My family (both sides & in law's) yes, it is true so often you all drive me insane and I sometimes want to bitch slap you... but I love you guys too. LOL
4. My bestie, my soul sister.... Jenn (aka missknowitall <---- she really does!) I love you, no matter how much time or space ever comes between us I have your back always.
4 1/2. all of my friends. you motivate and inspire me everyday. you are all beautiful people in your own unique and individual way and I love you all and feel lucky to be a part of your lives
5. the roof over my head. It's more then a lot of people have, and it is just what I need
6. food, clothes, all the necessities. the stupid things I take for granted everyday like hot water.
7. my health. which I am working on taking better care of
9. The people in my life outside of my "close network" that inspire me, that teach me, that help to mold and shape the world around me
10. Our jobs. God knows we need them, and we are lucky to have them.
11. My silly & childlike ability to still dream, up until recently it was one of the things that I loathed about myself, but I now realize it is not a weakness but a strength. most adults are far more dead on the inside then I'll ever be.
12. this world we live in. the fresh air in my lungs. the beautiful sunsets and sunrises. deep oceans, rivers, mountains..... from the biggest landmark to the smallest detail, I love the world I live in and hope to spend more time out there in it in the next year of my life :)
People have weird freaking motives for things, sometimes those motives are completely unknown to you.
Makes me glad I have the ones I love, the ones I keep close. There a handful of people that I am reminded this week to never take for granted. Love you guys xo
Most of today has been spent with the kiddo combating the stomach flu, which in my opinion is the most horrible of minor ailments to have. poor kid. Cross your fingers though, I think (knocks on wood) she might be turning the corner.
Thanksgiving is just around the corner and it has had me thinking quite a bit.
Firstly I have been seeing what all my friends are "thankful for" on a semi daily basis and that defiantly gets my own thankful list going.
In addition to that it has allowed me to offer a place in my home to more then just my family for the holiday, which is so huge for me... I almost never have anyone over.
I also have spent a great deal thinking about those less fortunate then myself and have been sending good vibes out to them as the weather gets colder and thinking about making a day trip with a group of friends to feed the homeless at a shelter or soup kitchen. although, I have to admit that hardly seems like enough.
I'm a big hearted person by nature. I have honestly thought about forgoing all gifts this year and putting the money into feeding the homeless or providing blankets and other supplies.
I am pretty sure many of the people in my life would think I was off my rocker should I decide to do such a thing, but it is really hard for me to fathom why I need one more trivial item in my life when there are so many people out there without a warm place to even lay their head.
It would make me feel better to give it all away to complete strangers and just enjoy the company of my family and close friends in lieu of gifts this year. gotta run this idea past the hubby so we will see...
Rather then recite all of the things I am thankful for every day of the month like several of my friends have, I would rather write them all down here. Mostly for myself more then anything else. This way the second I get all bitchy and whiny I can come back here, read this list and shut my mouth... so here it is.
1. My husband (he gets a lot less credit from me more often then he deserves; & because I love him.)
2. My daughter. The absolute greatest thing that has ever happened to me ever.
3. My family (both sides & in law's) yes, it is true so often you all drive me insane and I sometimes want to bitch slap you... but I love you guys too. LOL
4. My bestie, my soul sister.... Jenn (aka missknowitall <---- she really does!) I love you, no matter how much time or space ever comes between us I have your back always.
4 1/2. all of my friends. you motivate and inspire me everyday. you are all beautiful people in your own unique and individual way and I love you all and feel lucky to be a part of your lives
5. the roof over my head. It's more then a lot of people have, and it is just what I need
6. food, clothes, all the necessities. the stupid things I take for granted everyday like hot water.
7. my health. which I am working on taking better care of
9. The people in my life outside of my "close network" that inspire me, that teach me, that help to mold and shape the world around me
10. Our jobs. God knows we need them, and we are lucky to have them.
11. My silly & childlike ability to still dream, up until recently it was one of the things that I loathed about myself, but I now realize it is not a weakness but a strength. most adults are far more dead on the inside then I'll ever be.
12. this world we live in. the fresh air in my lungs. the beautiful sunsets and sunrises. deep oceans, rivers, mountains..... from the biggest landmark to the smallest detail, I love the world I live in and hope to spend more time out there in it in the next year of my life :)
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Old habit's die hard.
So just the other day someone was describing to me the journey I'm on and there I was judging them for not following my perceived way to be. I was also not believing their whole Landmark forum high theory either. (can i just take a minute and say how crazy it is that I keep running into people from the forum at random!CARAZAY)
Anyhoo.... I'm going along doing my random kim thing.... swimming like Dory in the big blue.
and a little instance happens. I catch it, right away. And immediately apologize for my behavior and move on thinking great... see? I'm totally recognizing things and am so much "better" then before.
Then there it was. Like a freight train, a stressful situation that I totally thought I had handled, which I actually did have a pretty good handle on for most of it (self doubt here and there not included. Rackets can be like fruit flies in stressful situations...) till it was actually over. So weird...
Then BAM straight outta no where comes back totally classic quesera behavior and total old pattern.
I slept on it, and then a hour after being up this morning (I think the coffee finally sank in) I turned the reflection inward and was like woah. Old habits die hard, where did that even come from?
So there was a little delay in the recognition process this time. But there was defiantly no delay in the apologizing process. Can I just say I have never apologized so often as I have in the past few weeks?
It makes me laugh at myself really. The more time that goes on the more I see just how ridiculous I can be at times when I let myself get the better of me.
Anyhow the point here is, it tripped me up a little bit how long it took me to recognize my old habit creeping up this time. I thought I had this shit pretty much down.
I guess the moral of the story is: Just when you think you got your shit together is the time you actually don't. So be aware, and put that cocky behavior away and be humble.
Everyday is a learning and growing experience and everyday I just need to remind myself to just smile through it and feel lucky to be where I am right now.
This whole experience reminds me a little of adolescence. Some of it is so fun because it can be new and exciting, and some of it is so mortifying and can be embarrassing as hell. Either way there is something to be gained at the end.
Anyhoo.... I'm going along doing my random kim thing.... swimming like Dory in the big blue.
and a little instance happens. I catch it, right away. And immediately apologize for my behavior and move on thinking great... see? I'm totally recognizing things and am so much "better" then before.
Then there it was. Like a freight train, a stressful situation that I totally thought I had handled, which I actually did have a pretty good handle on for most of it (self doubt here and there not included. Rackets can be like fruit flies in stressful situations...) till it was actually over. So weird...
Then BAM straight outta no where comes back totally classic quesera behavior and total old pattern.
I slept on it, and then a hour after being up this morning (I think the coffee finally sank in) I turned the reflection inward and was like woah. Old habits die hard, where did that even come from?
So there was a little delay in the recognition process this time. But there was defiantly no delay in the apologizing process. Can I just say I have never apologized so often as I have in the past few weeks?
It makes me laugh at myself really. The more time that goes on the more I see just how ridiculous I can be at times when I let myself get the better of me.
Anyhow the point here is, it tripped me up a little bit how long it took me to recognize my old habit creeping up this time. I thought I had this shit pretty much down.
I guess the moral of the story is: Just when you think you got your shit together is the time you actually don't. So be aware, and put that cocky behavior away and be humble.
Everyday is a learning and growing experience and everyday I just need to remind myself to just smile through it and feel lucky to be where I am right now.
This whole experience reminds me a little of adolescence. Some of it is so fun because it can be new and exciting, and some of it is so mortifying and can be embarrassing as hell. Either way there is something to be gained at the end.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
what snippet is this...12?
LOL looks like my ADD got the better of me and now I have lost count of the snippets... ah well.
So it's voting day again. Half the world is all up in arms over it, a quarter of it just doesn't give a shit anymore, and the other part is like me just curious to see what happens.
Don't get me wrong miss big mouth over here has a quite a few few political opinions.... but a while ago lost most of her faith that the whole voting system has any legitimacy anymore or that the little guys have a say anymore unless someday they band together and rise up and take the country back.
The likely hood of that happening in the chip eating dancing with the stars generation is slim to none.
totally off the subject but I just noticed I face book "liked" clean eating right next to arby's. I'm such a living oxymoron. I can't help but laugh about it.
So yeah anyhow, it should all be interesting over the next few days.... whatever happens we all just have to make the best of it and teach our kids to be smarter. That's all I can really say.
Tomorrow, I start the the 34th year of my life and I am excited to see what it brings. I am creating the possibility right now that this new year of my life is going to be a year where I will bring to life all the opportunities I have dreamed of for me and my family up to this point. Also it will be a year full of smiles, hugs, and belly laugh's. If I can just have those things in my life then that is all I really need.
Shout out to my favorite girl Ms. Knowitall! Happy Birthday!I love you girl! I'm sorry we cannot be together for our birthday, but you are with me everyday in my heart (insert mushy-ness and aweing noises here) Cannot wait to see you! Have a beautiful day! xoxoxoxoxo
So it's voting day again. Half the world is all up in arms over it, a quarter of it just doesn't give a shit anymore, and the other part is like me just curious to see what happens.
Don't get me wrong miss big mouth over here has a quite a few few political opinions.... but a while ago lost most of her faith that the whole voting system has any legitimacy anymore or that the little guys have a say anymore unless someday they band together and rise up and take the country back.
The likely hood of that happening in the chip eating dancing with the stars generation is slim to none.
totally off the subject but I just noticed I face book "liked" clean eating right next to arby's. I'm such a living oxymoron. I can't help but laugh about it.
So yeah anyhow, it should all be interesting over the next few days.... whatever happens we all just have to make the best of it and teach our kids to be smarter. That's all I can really say.
Tomorrow, I start the the 34th year of my life and I am excited to see what it brings. I am creating the possibility right now that this new year of my life is going to be a year where I will bring to life all the opportunities I have dreamed of for me and my family up to this point. Also it will be a year full of smiles, hugs, and belly laugh's. If I can just have those things in my life then that is all I really need.
Shout out to my favorite girl Ms. Knowitall! Happy Birthday!I love you girl! I'm sorry we cannot be together for our birthday, but you are with me everyday in my heart (insert mushy-ness and aweing noises here) Cannot wait to see you! Have a beautiful day! xoxoxoxoxo
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