pounds of me on that little blog No one reads...

I have spent the better half of the last 24 months trying to squeeze myself back into my former 160 lbs box.
Right now I'm starting to feel like all of that is a bunch of complete bullshit.
I keep seeing all these extremely brave plus size girls come into their own by embracing their bodies..
Cannot help but think how brave they all are...
Listening to fat girl walking today, and she was talking about a project she did where she had sex with her husband everyday for a year to get herself comfortable with her own body. What a revolutionary concept! Not sure I could pull that project off.....
But I saw another one today from yoursmeley that I can try.
Lord knows I need to start somewhere,  absolutely no sense in waiting anymore time to like myself more and loathe myself less.....

215 pounds of......
Me as I am
A mother and wife
A friend
A soul
36 years of living and learning
Stretch marks that tell a story
Sacrifice and lack thereof
Love.

Stories

I have spent a good deal of time in my new career journey beating myself up.

I have all these stories in my head that I have been beating down like flies

"you are not good enough"
"you are not smart enough"
"you don't know what you are doing"
" you have to make x amount of money in order to live"
"you are not going to make it"

Lately it has been a struggle to keep the ugly ness at bay.

I had to reconnect myself to my landmark teachings in order to reground myself again and sit with simba on the cliff over looking the playa.

Isn't it funny that no matter how much time has passed or how old you get these things never stop existing...

I am grateful however for mostly putting to rest the whole what is my life I am old and do not have my shit together conversation.

I feel like my inner child has taken over that dialogue, bursting in uninvited and un-announced screaming to have fun, be creative, color!!!!

I think this must be the same inner child that manifested the adult coloring book. I need to get one of those by the way..

Sigh, i don't have any idea where I am going, but I know where I have been; and I know I want to color and play.

That about sums it up folks.

Breathing into possibility......

As the time inches closer to this new opportunity I feel the fear creeping up inside. It is an everyday battle to feel the fear, feel the doubt, feel the insecurity, and remain calm. remain in the clearing.

I see that big old desert sprawling up ahead of me and that self doubt nags from behind.
I have to constantly keep in check. I know what I am doing. I know it is the right thing for me right now... but all the doubts and negative voices don't leave.

I just keep steadying my breath. Being present to the gratitude for this moment... sitting in a rain storm in the middle of July... in a house I own, celebrating my child's birthday.

I remind myself I have notoriously told myself for years that I am less then I am; and the despite everything I have overcome, I have done a bunch of things I never imagined I could. I am a place I never imagined I would ever be.... and that I can continue that, I will be, do, and grow in ways I have never imagined I could.

I remind myself, that no matter what happens... I will be ok. I am a survivor. I am a warrior. I am smart. I am capable. I can do whatever I set my mind to. The only thing that matters is what I believe, what I think, and what I do.

I pray, to stay in this train of thought. To never let my inner fears and old self take the wheel again, and that god/the universe/that higher power above is watching over me. Will give me strength when I am weak, will guide me in the directions I am meant to walk, will fill my heart with love, gratitude, and grace everyday...


Stay in this place. stay in this place.

checking off vision board items

Sitting here with my daughter on her birthday and I am realizing the gravity of the choices I have recently made. This year the top priorities on my list were more time for family/family first, more fun, and finding a means of income that better serves my life and priorities.

I'm about to start working in a completely different environment for the first time in over 8 years.
I am both afraid and elated at the possibility.
When I look ahead I feel like Mufasa & Symba on the the big cliff over looking the entire world. I can hear that deep voice saying "everything the light touches is ours" except on my vast desert of possibilities before me I see visions of happy little day dreams and imaginings of things that will live in my future possibility.

I know it sounds totally and completely cheeze ball, but this is how I imagine it. The open space ahead of me, and the voice on my shoulder saying don't be afraid,  you are smart, you are amazing,  you will be awesome....

No matter what happens from here, I feel in my core that the path ahead is the path I need to go down.
The road less traveled is the road for me.

I'm excited to live my life. To enjoy my family.  To learn and experience new things. To be challenged.


This is the beginning of my second stage of major growth. I can feel it.

So much

Ah so much has happened and I have definitely not kept this writing thing up to the level I feel "I should." Life get's busy, I start things and forget them... sometimes I pick them up again, other times not so much.

I have been pretty busy and introspective lately. I started an online class, partially to see if I really want to pursue this whole nutrition/holistic/I want to help people thing.... Partially to see if I can do it and quiet those nay saying whispers of my own mind.

I have been attempting to journal more, started listening to a book instead of rocking out in all my free time in the car, I lost a friend, and am sending my kid off to high school soon. Those last two things have been occupying quite a bit of my mind the last couple weeks.

Life is strange, and beautiful, and tragic. People are surprising. I'm trying to be more mindful of the moments in life, and soak them in. I am trying to be more mindful of the people in life and not forget them, or be too busy with all the doing that distracts me.

I really feel like I have been reconnecting with my spiritual self, soft of relaxing into my own ideas about god or "the universe" and how I perceive it.

I've been in a folksy place in terms of music when I have listened lately. I have been tuning into a lot of country, 60's folk, & Joni Mitchell. Part of me wonders if I am getting soft and old, the other part of me is assuming I am trying to grasp on to what I really want and the transition into a new phase of my life.

I think I am at a time where I am still someone's mom, but as more time will pass I will begin to transition more into also who I am, what I want.... I'm not leaving the mom title behind in the process, I think it is just shifting to a different meaning. It's all sort of bittersweet.

I also am planning to go to Italy in two years with my friend. This is the first time I talked about an adventure, and actually took active steps to make it real. It's exhilarating, exciting, and scary all at the same time.

I cannot believe it is already summer.... as I sit her at my desk and look up at my vision board there are only a few things that still belong there as my central focus - the other's I don't know what the hell I was thinking in January...  I feel like the last two years, since I began to create this vision board, this has always sort of been the case.... either I am totally A.D.D. (would explain a lot!) or time does strange things.... it reveals the truth.

As I contemplate this I am reminded the person that first introduced me to this process is my deceased friend's sister who is also my friend.... gives me a little pang of sadness. It's crazy how little things, snippets of time, and small conversations can have such an effect on you. It is even crazier to me that we often fail to see these things until we are forced to look.

So..... relevant things still on the vision board:

Loose 25 lbs (actually 30)
Low impact exercise 3 times a week
Maintain healthy eating habits
find a way to create income that serves my life better and creates more freedom.
More fun - travel, concerts, friends, & family
simplify your routine
save more $$ for the future
family 1st
Keep your priorities straight, put your family and your spiritual life first.

I'm doing awesome at some of these, it is amazing some of the things that have manifested and how much I have strengthened my own ability to just say yes.... some of these need work.

One thing that weighs heavy on my mind is priorities straight. Especially with the loss of my friend so close in the distance. I am really working on not leading my decisions with money, and prioritizing happiness and family first.... not as easy as it sounds; defiantly a work in progress...

I feel like I always say shit like this. I say I need to do, I'm working on.... I'm constantly in progress here on this blog and in life. I'm so annoyed by the ridiculousness of it; and at the same time accepting that this is just the process.

I guess I just gotta keep on..... holding the vision. Trusting the process... and being grateful

I am really going to try to keep writing more often. I feel as though I write about absolutely nothing, and for zero purpose other then it is healing for me to process my thoughts independent of my own mind.

Material Consumption

Today I was walking by some sunglasses and I couldn't resist the idea of buying them. One they were on sale. Two they were a brand I love, Kate Spade. I started to mentally dissect this whole being in love with a brand thing, but then became busy and forgot my analysis.
Later I pass a work out top that says "Spiritual Gangster" and I thought that's me, I need to buy that.
later I stop to look at the tag and contemplate if the 48 dollar price tag is worth it.
then I thought,  would a true Spiritual gangster wear a t shirt that cost her 48 dollars just to say she is? Probably not.

I start to imagine the sad retired shoppers I see sometimes as much as every day, and how I am always quick to point out that it won't be me someday.  Wasting away my retirement at the mall.

I start to think about the rate of my own consumption. New eye shadow check. New lipstick check. New t shirt and tank. Check, check.
and that is just tallying up my week.

What is it I love about shopping?  What is it we all do? The rush we get getting an awesome deal, or a item that just makes us feel good. It's like a drug deal on a street corner. It's like a comment or a like on a social media post.

Consumption has become faster and more instantly gratifying then ever. For most it's a quick click on the phone. Amazon.com buy with one click. We love that shit.

We click without a second thought.

How often though,  do we:
Look away from the homeless
pause at donation to charity or turn to something else
Look away rather then get involved

 I always say I love what I do but I would love to just help people.
Often I get a funny sideways glance in response.

I can't help but wonder if we stopped clicking and started caring if the dopamine rush is the same. If it is maybe better?

I feel like I am inching slowly away from consumption addiction. You can't run from it like a burning building when it is a part of every molecule you are. But, after all my thinking I am going to try to click less, care more.
I am going to work to send that vibration off into the world.
If everyone else did too.... I wonder what might happen

Adulthood doesn't equal the death of your soul

Last week I went on a hike and as we were passing by some early 1900's vacation cabin's I was pointing out the ones I felt drawn to. I was creating and telling little stories about how one day I would own one and live in the little forest by the city.

As I went on with my little tale my husband snorted and kind of brushed off my fantasy with a loud exhale and my inner child got her panties in a wad and thought, he just doesn't get me.

The truth is, it had been a trying week or so and it was filled with other adults giving me well meaning advice about being practical & logical; while dismissing my day dreams and fantasies  & I was just tiered of hearing it.

I feel so out of place sometimes in the big old adult world. Here I am, miss over sharer, self expressed, dreamer.
 My big mouth likes to loudly proclaim my inner thoughts, feelings, and all my big dreams to the world while I get eye rolls, & logical and practical advice in return.

Sometimes too much adulthood deflates me like a balloon.
Other times I sit back and reflect, on the reactions and the words I receive and I feel sad for all those logical responsible adults out there.
I quietly agree with my inner self instead, that I do not want to be that way.

The only times I hate who I am is when the adults out there wake the adult inside me that tries to belittle and suppress the dreaming, bleeding heart, self expressed, sappy ass hippie dippie lover inside of me..... and I hate that.

I like leading my life with my heart & dreaming up fantasy realities where I can grow an entire organic garden beside my earth ship on the mountain by the sea, in my homemade tie dye threads, while listening to my records powered by my solar panels even though I cannot even keep an aloe vera plant alive.


Some of that shit might never happen, but you know what? Some of that shit IS going to happen, and it will be rad when it does.

If there is one thing I have learned, and keep learning as the people I know live practical lives until they get sick and die, it's this:

We all have to live right now. We don't have to leave our souls and our hearts at the edge of adulthood, and dreaming is not just ok, it's awesome.

Chew on that.