End of Week 1 on Optifast at Kaiser

I made it through week 1!!! Last night a I was thinking about this I was like dude, I am  a bad ass bitch for getting through 7 days of this program. Now I totally realize there is probably like a million other things that are actually harder, but SERIOUSLY. Eating 800 calories a day only of things that come from powders or bars is really an accomplishment on any scale, especially if you can keep it up over any stretch of time.

This week I lost 6 pounds. When I say this in my head as I type it sounds like wah wah wah 6 pounds. And really that is because my inner anorexic had her heart set on 10 pounds. But also if I step back and look at this objectively, 6 pounds is more weight then I have ever lost in an entire week. Now, I did low key wear the lightest clothing I could find for the weigh in, but I really can honestly say I doubt the 6 pounds is contributed by my lack of heavy clothing.... This is just yet again another diet culture mind game developed probably somewhere around the time I did weight watchers in the early 2000s.

To sum up, part of me is bummed, logical me knows this is a significant weight loss for one week, then the emotionally stable part of me is like "numbers on a scale don't matter friend you made it through the week that is all that matters."

Hopefully they all get on the same page at some point, we shall see.

Today in class we talked about SMART goals and smarty pants me was like OMG duh everyone knows what these are if they work in the business world.... why such basic info Optifast?
But then i found myself quickly declaring I was not even going to THINK about making long term goals until the end of week three, because 800 calories a day be hard bitch. Can i get an amen?
I say that as I just left a class where when first asked how my week went I replied with "It went Fine I had a few struggles but I am ok" to then really identifying with another person 2 minutes later that was more honest about the struggle then me so.... I think the person answering the how was your week was optimistic me.

In any event I decided my SMART goal for this week is just to get through each day with no cheats.
(I can go to sleep and dream about all the food I want as long as I do not eat any in the day)
My rewards for my stellar behavior will be the following:
*Hot Tub Tea Time with the Hubs
*Pedicure with my kiddo

So that is where I am at. I believe I can do it because, hey I made it through this week. Wish me luck.

Week 1 of the Optifast Journey

I want other people out there thinking about this program or starting it to find some honest thoughts and feelings about it, and I need to journal so I'm going to do my best to not my thoughts down weekly. 

Well, here I am day 5 and here is what's going through my mind today.

-Real talk? I'm fucking hungry but not for the things I thought I would be, instead I'm craving poached eggs with sauteed mushrooms spinach and toast, Tuna Salad, or a nice lettuce wrapped burger. What has been awesome is my husband is so awesomely supportive I tell him every thought and every craving and he is there for me.

-I don't think I am going to post before and after pictures or claim any weight loss success publicly. I'm not here for that, and it's not what I stand for. This is the first time in my life that I am truly loosing this weight for me. I'm committed to this to feel better, be able to do more, and to heal my relationship with food. I know as a fat person for almost 20 years the damage of being on the opposite side of declarations and before and afters is, & also I do not subscribe to the ideas of less weight equals happiness or success or acceptance. 
It doesn't. I'm happy now. I'm actually better mentally now then ever, I'm just in pain, and I recognize that I have had a unhealthy attachment to food for as long as I can remember and I want to heal.

-Taking in a ton of fluid is hard, and I've found ways to get around that somewhat but I do find myself wondering am I letting my food attachment side swipe it's way in? I don't know. 

-My dog is saving my life right now. She helps me get through. Snuggles and petting her is literally like artificial dopamine. I'm grateful.

-I have my teenage eating disorder thoughts creeping in. (Asking myself what I can do to loose 10lbs a week etc)
The good news is I'm aware of them, and I engage in an internal dialogue with myself to shut them down.

-when i was eating,  the block of time this program lasts seemed small, today it seems infinite. I keep a picture in my mind of what I will be able to do physically at the end of this to keep me going.

I have 3 more days till my first check in and i am curious to see my results and what the next week looks like.

So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye....

This is the only space I have to say, I'm relieved you are gone.
I am relieved you cannot hurt them anymore...
You were selfish, you were cruel, you were the one that ruined it all.

I'm glad you cannot taint that little baby anymore.
I pray no one else will either.

I don't mourn you. I never liked you.

It might not be zen of me to feel however I feel, not to light a candle for you so you can find your way, to not be all peaceful and believe you lived a path that was meant to teach you a lesson. That you are healed and divine now...

The day you left was a gift. I don't care if you find your way.

Overwhelmed

Everyday the struggle is real, to get out of the house. To face what the world has for me today... Will it be great? Will it be terrible? will it be overwhelming?

its a fear that no one really understands. It's something I wish I knew how to let go of.
I am so afraid, I'm not smart, or good enough.... or that somehow I will make everything a mess.

My life on most days would be easier spent in my blanket tent where I can be safe and finally rest, because my mind is so fatigued.

Even though this all about that - I am going to practice something by replacing the rest of the page with some really positive things from my past. things that when I look back at them.... they make me feel safe, and loved, and good enough.

• Singing together while the house got cleaned or dinner was prepared
• Singing in the car ride on the way home
• Listening to America while driving in the RV
• Summer beach days with burgers and baby oil
• The promise of a place and time for us
• The promise that no mountain was ever high enough
• hearing you were ready for me
• munchkin
• dinners with you, and leftovers for home
• long talks especially late into the night
• Pizzelles
• Softball
• Cars and eight tracks
• hugs
• holy water at the entrance at church
• late night christmas wrapping sessions

Enough

Do you ever just get a certain point in something and it's the last straw? It might not even be as big as other things you have dealt with but it was just like a splash of cold water and suddenly you just wake up from the rationalizations, or excuses and are just like FUCK THAT.

I feel like I just hit that point today. Granted I am a lot more in tune with my inner fuck you than usual because of shark week, busy week, back handed compliments from family .... but here I am just living my life, and minding my own business and then bam like a bolt of lightening it just happened.

I have always been the person to take care of everyone else, to be there for everyone else, to DEVOTE AND SACRIFICE MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR EVERYONE ELSE....

To be not good enough for some one else.
And you know what? I'm fucking done. The end.

Why do have to be anything other than who and what I am.... or why should I have to feel bad for who and what I am?

Why can't I just be? Why can't I just be accepted for what is and loved for that even?
Why am I settling for less than that? I should not be. All of a sudden it just hit me, and I was like fuck that. Life is too short.

waves

I feel like I am in the low part of the tide today. Its quiet, there is a wide bank of sand.... but I can hear the storm and the waves in the distance...

I am really working hard to hold it all together.
Last week was a whirlwind of emotions. It's hard to be on the brink of emotional shut down and look like all is well on the outside.

I will be traveling again this week, then resuming life as usual the following week... I will be seeing a holistic doctor next week, and working on starting therapy soon. I hope it all helps. I really long to have some silence right now; some relief.

Its hard to be on the brink of panic all the time.

I wish I could stay locked up here in my warm and comfortable house while the rain pours down outside. Here I know mostly what to expect. Here is my place. Here is where my people are.

I just want to feel safe and happy again.

The Bear... The whole fucking field of bears

I just realized that whenever I write it is mostly just to get things out.
I like to talk things out, even if no one is on the receiving end of this conversation.

I am in a dark cloud that is suspended over a field of ferocious bears.
Everything in my life is terrifying and causes me to have heart palpitations, okay well not EVERYTHING.... but almost.

Being sad and anxious ( I know first world problems...) is just the absolute worst ever.
There are a million times a day I just want to hide under a tent of blankets in the darkest corner of a room and not ever face the world again. There a thousand moments in a day that I am convinced that I am about to fuck up my life, everyone else's life, my job, my everything.

The plot lines that live in my mind are those of self absorbed disaster strikes big screen type movies. It's like every fucking situation is my own personal San Andres thriller about to happen minus the popcorn and the rock.....

I don't know what to do. I don't know when or if it will ever end.... it's fucking exhausting, and infuriating, because the reality is my life is not bad, there are a lot of great things in my life and amazing people.....
But when I try to tell the panic within, it's like somehow my heart and my mind are not getting the memo....
Like a broke down line of communication within myself... it's like I am communicating reality vs anxiety and sadness through a tin can and string phone system, when what I really need is a fucking CELL PHONE.

I wish it would stop. I hope that it stops. No matter how much I tell myself to breathe, that it is all only feelings, and that there really are no bears there, and no dark clouds.... the feelings remain. My heart still pounds. My throat still gets dry, I still fidget like a 3 year old child that just got told to sit still, my inner instinct is screaming inside my head.... RUN... GET IN THE CAR.... TURN THE MUSIC LOUD, ROLL THE WINDOWS DOWN, JUST GET THE HELL OUTTA DODGE! Drive into the sunset, away from the buildings and into the forest...... Run, run, run..... or hide under the blankets in the darkest corner you can find.

Fuck.