Good Vibrations

I went to spend the day with my mother's best friend today. I was not really sure what to expect from the day, I just knew that ever since I had become re acquainted with her 2 years ago that I had been dying to see her again, and just talk to her and spend time.

The day was beautiful. I truly feel as though we have a spiritual connection.

I am so open to her, more so then any other human.

She invited me to this meeting tonight and before I even knew what it was I said yes.
I just feel this crazy sense of trust with her, that I cannot describe.

I went and met these beautiful people, and they shared intimate stories with me that I loved hearing.

I learned this chant Nam myoho renge kyo.

Normally I am skeptical about stuff like this..... but the vibrations just felt oddly familiar and a kind of peaceful that can only be found there.

I had some questions and the most interesting answer I had was how you do not verbalize and concentrate on your intention and you literally just focus on the chant.

Coming from a world full of holding on to intention, the description of this process feels strangely very free and enticing.

My mother's best friend made me promise to try this chanting morning and evening for 10 minutes for 30 days, and it was literally the easiest thing for me to say yes to.

I am not committing to anything right now other then giving over my life to this chant every day, twice a day for the next 30 days.

I want to see where this takes me.

Mean girls

I just realized I live in the real life, wide screen version.

I guess it is something I already knew, but never realized.

I wonder if that even makes sense?

But seriously, I live in the world of where all the bitch cheerleaders and clique girls go to die if they do not get pregnant, let themselves go, and marry an old rich man.

This is a huge part of my problem... because mean girls like a good ass licking anywhere they can find it to stroke their ego, and I am in no way an ass licker.

It does not really work out for me in some aspects.

My mother's "fuck you if you don't like it" character has in some way's hurt me and in some way's saved me.

Now all I need is a daddy warbox, to get me out of mean girls and into meaningful....

emotions running the show.

Sometimes I wonder if it will end. I think some people do not know what to make of me. That is fine I guess.

I want to be free right now. Free to explore my life. Free to create what I want. Free to be self expressed. Free to be where I want, to do what matters.

I wish so much that money was not a factor in my life.

Honestly, if I did not have any responsibility I would pack up and leave society for while.

Breathe. Re-connect. Figure stuff out. I really feel like right now I just need a break; and chance to reinvent myself and my life and the core of my existence.

dream big.

It is all I have ever done for as long as I can remember.  In 9th grade I had an art project to create a coat of arms to represent yourself; mine was filled with rainbows and clouds and the word dreamer at the top.

It is the biggest thing I can always remember knowing about myself

The people I idolize most in the whole world are dreamers.... like Marilyn Monroe, John Lennon, Adam Duritz, Yoko Ono, Jim Morrison.... now following their dreams did not always pan out, but the fearlessness of thier tenacity to follow their dreams inspires me.

I am in awe all the time of people who do this everywhere. I love to "follow"  them through social media... check on them from time to time watch for a "follow your dreams tip" to pick up and learn.... and take off myself.

I find most often then not it is the naysayers that kill my dreams. In my head I am shackled by them fighting for freedom.

The naysayers have been present for as long as I can remember. It started with my dad, grew to be people around me too. Friends, society, my sister, even my own husband.

The naysayers are hard to give up. That is the reason it hard to be fearless. In this aspect I am painfully human, and not at all like my idols.

So I adapt .... focus on turning the naysayers to my side. It's like I am Jerry Maguire, only I have 500 gold fish in my bag and I am screaming at everyone I love "dream with me!"  Turning people to dream and take a leap of faith is about as hard as turning Vader away from the dark side.

Besides... I am like a human cornucopia of possibilities and aspirations, I have found that makes it even harder for the naysayers to believe in you; to ride the dream train along side you.

Since my mom died, my soul has been screaming from within to drive the dreamers train off into the sunset..... my biggest problem is I want to fill it with a bunch of naysaying, hitchhiking, loved ones that I can just light up on the road..... & one fellow dreamer that is distracted by her own cornucopia. ...

What's a girl to do? I am DYING to LIVE. How crazy is that?

I am.

Went to dinner with Tom's grandma and while there I started to notice all these funny things. Like, all the elderly people there knew the names of the servers and knew about thier lives a little. They appreciated them.

I thought it sad that our generation and onward are not really like that. To us people outside our circle are disposable. They are mearly nameless, faceless, servers.

How sad we are so dehumanized.

Came home and got the itch to read my Tarot cards. At the end, decided to read an old note fron my mom written in the back of the book.

All of a sudden I came to a huge realization.  I am a lot like my mom.

She felt everything 100% more so then I think the average person does.

So do I. I have always given myself such a hard time for it.

My mother always wrote things down. How she felt, what happened, what it was like.

She poured her love, her pain, her life on pages everywhere. ... any where she could write them.

This blog, is an extension of how I too have always done that.

No matter the time or distance. ... my mother flows through my veins, beats in my heart, and has always lived within me.

It is a comfort and a great sadness to realize that all at the same time.