hospital dreams

every night since last Wednesday, I dream I am sitting at my mother's bedside in that last hospital room.

The dreams are so real that when I wake up, I still think I am there, it always takes me 30 seconds or more to register that I am in my bed and that my mom is gone.

Last night tom said I talked about it in my sleep, he said I didn't want anyone to know where we were. when he asked where we were? I said "In the hospital with my mom, because maybe she will get better" and drifted back off to sleep.

Seems my dreams let go of the secret hope I held in my heart those three weeks. As logical as my head is, despite my silent prayers to end my mom's suffering.... my heart wished she would get better again.

Yesterday one of my sister's were driving me crazy with her controlling tendency's and I went to my phone to call my mom so I could talk to her about it and realized I couldn't.

I told Taylor "I wish grandma were here so I could complain to her."

I'm starting my life again today, it feels so foreign to go back to work and life. It feels so weird to make my life about me right now.

I miss you mom.

3/13/13

It is funny how all the little details fall into place. The date, the amount of us there are (siblings), the time of day and the way it related to my mom's life, the fog that seemed to envelope the world after and the feeling that the spirit of my mother and her guides were just beyond my vision within the fog.

We started out the morning on a second day with little to no sleep. Mom had been sleeping and non responsive since noon the day before. I spent most of the night holding her hand, studying her face, and crying in the dark as I remembered her recounting a similar experience from when my grandma Irene had died just days before.  I finally layed down on the futon in the room around 2 am. I woke up often to make sure she was still breathing by asking my sister Nicole because the breath's were shallow and intermittent.

I woke up right around 5 am. Mom had a fever of about 102, her breath was shallow and irregular. I texted my other sister Gena, who was sleeping in a hotel room down the street.

Mom had made such an odd gasping noise throughout the night. It made me worry so much that she really was in pain. It made me worry that she was not really ready to die and that maybe we were making a mistake and should turn back.

Gena and Wade came in around 6 with McDonalds coffee. We sat around and talked for a while. I kept a firm grip on mom's hand for most of that time. I was always reluctant to leave her side.

Finally about 9ish Gena convinced me, Nicole, & Jamie to go shower. We were reluctant until the day nurse Desire told us we would be okay to have about a hour of time to go shower.

Off we went to Walmart. Shopping for clean clothes in the most surreal way. I do not think there has ever been a time in my life that I have shopped more out of necessity and with such time management.
I do not think that there has ever been a time in my life that I have shopped that way, but I just feared we would miss it and wanted to get back to my moms bedside.

Early that morning my sisters had taken my mother's jewelry off of her while I had been making a phone call and using the restroom and I chosen to take her watch with her energy on it. I could not get the darn thing off to take a shower and I had to ask for help, but got it off and then showered for the first time in two days while I cried to myself.

Once dressed and ready to go we stopped at Arbys for some food and then headed back.

Mom had been much the same as when we left, gave her more Adivan for the anxiety to help lower her heart rate and cold packs and a tylenol supository to bring down her fever.

Throughout the day our faithful palletive nurse Shelly, who has been dealing with our family for more then two weeks kept stopping by to check on us.

The Chaplian came in around 3 and asked us to tell her a few things about my mom. The thing I chose to share was her giving spirit and that fact that she would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it and you never left her house hungry. I also agreed that she was a good cook. The description made me reflect on times when she used to invite me and tom over for dinner when we were young, and when she had made me lunch for the landmark forum in October.

We then gathered around her bed and said tearful prayers led by the Chaplin.
The Chaplin blessed her with annoited oil from Jeruselum on her forehead, hands, feet, and lips.

I forget exactly what she said when she  blessed her lips but it was something to the affect of these lips that have spoken words of kindness, words of love, words of anger. Not really sure why but it struck a cord with me, and I cried. I kept thinking of the previous day when the chapin had come and my mom asked her if she could hear the man's voice? She stopped to listen, and said she could not quite make out what he was saying to her and how it was strange when that happened. Later that day she fell asleep talking to an old friend who was chanting with her by phone and never woke up again.

While we were standing around for this blessing all I could think was how much my mother was suffering and how I wish I could make it better for her or make it stop. I said a silent prayer that she would stop suffering. I wondered if this blessing is what she was waiting for, and after I blessed her heart with the oil from the chaplin I whispered to her that I loved her, kissed her forehead and told her silently it was okay to let go.

The hours after seemed long. I am not sure when but sometime after I had gotten back from our shower I painted her nails a pretty red/pink because her hands were turning blue and her nail beds looked so dreadful and sick, I just wanted her to feel pretty no matter what. It was all I could think to do. Those hours after the blessing I sat with her as much as I could, I held her hand. I studied her face, her hands, her arms, her hair..... I just tried to absorb the memory of my mom as much as I could.

Nicole and I tried to think what it could be she was holding on for, Nicole thought maybe Val. She told Gena and she called him so he could sing to her and talk to her in her headset. We knew she could hear him because her body made little reactions. throughout the day her eyes teared her eyebrows furrowed she made small movements... I like to think she knew everything that was happening.

I prayed a million silent prayers to make her suffering end. I whispered in her ear to please come back and visit me and Taylor as a bird or a butterfly. To please let us know it was her.

Her breathing became unbearably labored. She started to gurgle a lot. My heart was breaking, it was aching for it to end for her because I hated her to suffer.

Gena wanted to try to roll her on her side to get the fluid out and suction but she couldn't get it. We decided to move her, to reposition her and try again. Nicki came in and was more successful with the suction. We had the iphone headphones in my moms ear playing pandora. Nat king cole's love. Then I played what kind of fool for her on you tube. I wanted to sing to her but felt weird in a room full of people. I watched that video while Nicki suctioned because I hate looking at that stuff. Then I noticed it was getting dark and said something about mom keeping her regular hours up.

I looked at the darkness meeting the twilight outside and I said, Mama It's almost dark outside, you have to get up there are a lot of people waiting to see you. We started naming them off. My mom's eyes shot open all of a sudden, she looked to the left like she was looking out the window.... maybe she was looking at me I do not know. 

Then her eyes looked at all of us and we all three told her it was ok to go, that we would be ok. She took one final deep breath, and exhaled her eyes went over to the corner and just went dead and stared straight ahead. I knew that was it.... even though I was holding her hand and could feel a very weak pulse I knew she was gone. I heard Nicole say, she's gone.

The rest became a whirlwind. Crying, hugging, worrying about John. More crying. I heard her as I stood at the end of her bed say, Kimberly the way she only does. 

Some talking, some laughing. I kept stroking her hands and arm her arms still felt warm.

In the hour after she died she looked better then she had alive in days. her color got better, her swelling went down, she looked at peace, she had no wrinkles. She was so young.

Eventually I sat down in the floor at the foot of the bed on a pillow. I thought about taking her hospital bracelet home. I still did not feel the total weight of it. 

An hour or more went by and we started to gather our things to leave. we all took our turns kissing her forehead goodbye, I asked her not to forget to visit me and Taylor. As I turned to walk out the door I took one glance backward and I said, goodbye mom, I love you, I will miss you. Wade said, she is not there anymore, and I shook my head in agreement and walked out the door.

I felt lost. I could not find my car in the parking garage, I could not get Tom on the phone. I sat in the parking lot of the mexican food place across the street crying with Taylor over the phone.

Went in, ate a taco, had a drink.

Drove to nicole's in this crazy thick fog that rolled in while at the resturant. It was totally clear when my mom died then this eery supernatural fog covered the world a couple hours later.

I cried and talked to my mom most of my drive. I cannot even know how many times I said i miss you, I love you. Got to Nicki's alone in the dark, the doggie Max came to be with me. The birds were awake even though it was almost midnight. I thought my mom might be in the cockatiel because she was right on the front of the cage looking at me.

When Nicole came we had a smoke and a drink and a soft cry. A recap of events.

Then we watched TV with Jamie. Around 12:45 I went to bed, but first pulled my mom's Pajama shirt from my car and stared into the fog down the road. I could not help but feel my mom was out there with other spirits watching me but that they were just beyond my vision.

Went upstairs curled up with my moms shirt and cried myself to sleep.

Had weird crying hospital dreams.

Woke up crying. put mom's shirt on and left.

Been crying all day. The loss of my mom is breaking my heart. I wish I could see her just one more time and kiss and hug her. Hear her say "Kimberly, it's your mother"

I have barley thought of anything else to day. I do not know when I will. Going back to my life seems impossible because I am so sad. I do not know what the next few weeks holds for me.

the end

"This is the end, my only friend the end..."

It is weird how songs creep up in my mind for diffrent situations.

sitting with my mom while she goes through the process of dying has been a whirlwind of emotions, and thoughts.

I have cried, forced myself to show as little emotion as possible because I did not want anyone to think I was weak, I have laughed, I have worried, I have felt guilt.

I keep wondering how much she knows or feels, is this really what she wanted? or now that we are here, if she is pissed in my lack of faith that she could mind over matter her body.

All the times I just wished for this misery to end,
not only for me but for her ..... and here we are and my heart is broken. my soul is weak. I do not knowI will ever recover..... I know the sadness and helplessness my own mother felt when she lost hers.

I wish I knew better what the right thing was to do, but I dont.

Purgatory

It's where I have been living or the last two weeks.

Nothing has really changed, I have been going back and forth to San Diego everyday and revolving my entire life around my mom and her care.

At this point, she has been released into skilled nursing and then re-admitted through the ER back into the hospital in about 32 hours time and now resides in the Acute care floor of Grossmont right down the hall from where she was before.

I feel like we have come full circle, and almost like we are right back at square one.

She is weak, and listless.... barley breathing. Literally it takes her whole body just to breathe.
It is crazy.

Between the respiratory issues and the addiction my mom has to narcotics. I feel like we are fighting a loosing battle.

My mom in the times she has been coherent says she is not going to die and will be fighting to live, and in the next breath will ask for excessive amounts of morphine or whatever pain med's she can get.  That is definitely a frustrating experience from the outside looking in.

I think in the myriad of emotions that I have experienced in the last two weeks, some of the most difficult have been grappling with wishing she wouls just die already, and wanting to go back to my life.

It seems so selfish to me to want to go back to my weight loss plan, yoga class, and even my work. But then my little devil on my shoulder that my mom has probably never in her life spent a more selfless two weeks on my behalf herself, so really it's a catch 22.

I wish I could say I was really benefiting for this experience, or that I was really learning something, that I knew where this all will take me.... but I don't.

The only thing I can say, is that this experience has forced me to take a good hard look at myself, and my life.

I have seen the error of my ways in judging someone else's life in a work situation when I really have no idea what they may or may not be going through. And now I will be less judgmental there.

I value my husband more, he has so stepped up to the plate for me here and I realize he loves me and I am important to him, and other smaller issues can be worked on,

I value my life more, and my happiness more then ever before. I won't ever smoke again, I want to get healthy to enjoy a long and happy life, I want to remind myself to be more thankful for the things in my life, and worry less about money and more about what makes me truly happy and just be with the important and inspiring people that I have in my life and that I love.

Just gotta dig myself out of purgatory first.

Whatever happens with my mom, I know I am complete with her. I know I do not want her to suffer. I do hope she passes pretty quick here for the good of everyone because I just do not see a better alternative to that.

If she does not, it will be really hard for me to stay in limbo, eventually I just have to move on.

week of hell recap

Things took a grave turn last Saturday when my mother needed to be re-intebated.
We were told several times over for days that if we took the tube out she would die within a hour or two and we could Treache her, but it probably would not be the greatest choice and would not prolong her life much. We wrestled with this decision until Thursday, then took the tube out. My mother lived through the night. the next night we sat up with her watched movies and sang jazz after a long fight over hospice care. The next day we were forced to look at hospice once again because the situation is worse, another disagreement... no resolution.
Here we are on Monday, two sisters are never speaking again from the disagreements and mom is alive. Dr's are saying she is still getting worse but she says she is not dying and she is not going to hospice. At this point she is lucid enough for the doctors to let her make the decisions so for the moment I cannot do a thing but go back to work and try not to worry.
The doctors have all said she has a week, maybe two to live and maybe they are right. But then again maybe they are wrong too, they certainly were about her living more then an hour or two of intebation... so we will see.