thoughts about mom

I guess I am glad I was up this late. Just got a text from John that my mom seemed to be struggling in her breathing and was asking him to bring her inhaler to the hospital, to please call to check on her.

So after a few days of purposely being busy in my life (it is what I do in this situation, I just engross myself in everything else so I don't have to feel it, so I don't have to be scared)<--- and can I just say wow, that is true transformation right there? I just admitted something I never dared to utter aloud before not even to myself.

anyhow, called the hospital, and they are giving her a breathing treatment, and some adivan to relax her. Her nurse was a super nice guy actually. Just talking to him and listening to him explain the situation is somewhat relieving. It made me glad he is there tonight to take care of her.

And here comes the part where I silently ask myself why I am not? Because I answer myself I have my reasons. Work, Life, My child - she does not feel well, my responsibilites, I need to work out, I need to go grocery shopping, I need to make dinner for my husband tomorrow, I need to get Taylor ready for her first dance, I'm tired because I cannot sleep because I am worried. (If that is not irony right there not really sure what is) For reasons I have many answers, but as for my responsibility to my mom I have few.

It is hard for me to even define it to myself. I have made good with her after the forum, don't get me wrong. I am not angry anymore.

I just do not know that I can drop my life every time I think she is going to die because those times have come so often the last few years.
These periods are so emotionally draining for me, I think I have adapted this behavior of hiding to protect myself. Because I am the person who will feel things so deep that they nearly kill me, and I cannot afford to loose control. I have too many things to be responsible for.

I don't want to cry, I don't want to be scared. I don't want her to die. I hate that I had to forgive her after she was already so sick.

Why couldn't have that come sooner so I could have enjoyed her? When we could have done things? when we could stay up talking all night? When maybe she could listen, when maybe I could hear her?

I know when my mom does die, part of me is going to die right along with her...
Because I know I won't only be mourning the loss of my mom, but the loss of the things I wish I could of have had. The small happy memories I have are so far away. The painful sad ones are too close to the present.

It makes me want to wrap myself up in a blanket with a Lionel Richie record and forget I ever had to think these thoughts in the first place.

I hate this, it makes me so sad.



Early Winter - Gwen Stefani

day two of crappy sleep....

second night in a row I woke from a dream this time about my other grandma who has passed, Elaine.  I woke up sobbing; Or actually my husband woke me to try to console me and reassure me I was only dreaming.

my real mom is back in the hospital. She has heart problems, fluid in her lungs, on her way to kidney failure......


every time she goes, I try to prepare myself for the end. (I can hear Jim Morrison now.... "This is the end")

last night Taylor cried herself to sleep. she told me she doesn't want to loose another grandma.
broke my heart.


my sub conscious is really bugging me right now.

But, time moves on, life moves on.

Dreaming hidden concerns

I had horrible sleep last night. You know how sometimes something is bothering you deep down and so you are not aware of it and then you kind of dream about it, and it makes you present to the fact that your worried about it?

I think what is going on here. I tossed and turned all night long. I had a dream about my Grandma Judy, who passed away last year. I don't really remember what all the dream entailed but I was back at her funeral reading the speech from my brother, and then I was apologizing to her for not calling and avoiding calling because of not wanting to talk to my stupid uncles and aunts, and being mad that she let them always run her ragged. I know at some point in this dream she was there, and that I felt the loss of my step mom.

I woke up crying, and cried for what seemed like at least a half hour, I just could not stop.
Then I thought of my little cousin and I felt like I needed to check up on her. I sent her a face book message, asking how she was and asking her to keep in touch. I worry about that girl...

I finally got back to sleep about an hour and fifteen minutes later.

Then I went a long with my day.

As I was leaving work, I got a text from my step mom. In the body of the text there was discussion about stress due to never making ends meet. I instantly felt bad for her, because I remember all too well how much that sucks and how it feels.

I sent her a quick note, but then decided to call.

We talked, not really about anything important. I mentioned being tired due to my terrible night of sleep, and my dream. That's when I realized what all that tossing and turning and dreaming was about and I got chocked up again. I am worried about her.

The same people that ran my grandma into her grave and running her there as well, and then there is the stress with my dad and his verbal abuse. Worrying about her makes me mad, me sick, makes me feel guilty. Because my dad is caught up in that whole mess too.

I know I cannot be everything to everyone. I know I have come a long way in terms of stress and how things affect me. But there is a piece of me that will always want to be everything to everyone. To be the fixer, the doer, the organizer, the "responsible one."

I want to scoop her up and save her before I lose her, and I can't. so even if I am not worrying on the surface all the time. I'm worrying somewhere buried deep down in my heart.

My love for people, knows no boundaries within myself no matter how hard I try to teach it different.

not sure the day anymore

not a whole lot of time has passed, since last I wrote but I feel like a lot has happened.
loosing weight can be a little obsessive. I have lost eleven pounds, I am so happy but I am all ready stratigizing about how I can loose twenty by the end of February. a little crazy, I know... but I want it so bad this time for me.



I started my class, the first two sessions I wasnt sure what I was getting out of it. Now I do see the value, but don't really feel like I have popped that great big Landmark cherry yet. Great thing is, I am ok where I am and being back in the game helps to restore that sense of calm and bring me back to center. Not that I ever really lost my sense of whatever I got from the orginal course but, life makes you swerve from time to time and when it does it throws off your alignment.
going back to class, is like going to the mechanic.

In my great weight loss obsession, I am considering an herbal weight loss boost. Part of me wonders if I am so desperate to keep  this momentum up that makes this seem viable ..... or if I actually can and will do this.

We will have to wait and see. possible milkshkes ahead. Stay tuned.....