So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye....

This is the only space I have to say, I'm relieved you are gone.
I am relieved you cannot hurt them anymore...
You were selfish, you were cruel, you were the one that ruined it all.

I'm glad you cannot taint that little baby anymore.
I pray no one else will either.

I don't mourn you. I never liked you.

It might not be zen of me to feel however I feel, not to light a candle for you so you can find your way, to not be all peaceful and believe you lived a path that was meant to teach you a lesson. That you are healed and divine now...

The day you left was a gift. I don't care if you find your way.

Overwhelmed

Everyday the struggle is real, to get out of the house. To face what the world has for me today... Will it be great? Will it be terrible? will it be overwhelming?

its a fear that no one really understands. It's something I wish I knew how to let go of.
I am so afraid, I'm not smart, or good enough.... or that somehow I will make everything a mess.

My life on most days would be easier spent in my blanket tent where I can be safe and finally rest, because my mind is so fatigued.

Even though this all about that - I am going to practice something by replacing the rest of the page with some really positive things from my past. things that when I look back at them.... they make me feel safe, and loved, and good enough.

• Singing together while the house got cleaned or dinner was prepared
• Singing in the car ride on the way home
• Listening to America while driving in the RV
• Summer beach days with burgers and baby oil
• The promise of a place and time for us
• The promise that no mountain was ever high enough
• hearing you were ready for me
• munchkin
• dinners with you, and leftovers for home
• long talks especially late into the night
• Pizzelles
• Softball
• Cars and eight tracks
• hugs
• holy water at the entrance at church
• late night christmas wrapping sessions

Enough

Do you ever just get a certain point in something and it's the last straw? It might not even be as big as other things you have dealt with but it was just like a splash of cold water and suddenly you just wake up from the rationalizations, or excuses and are just like FUCK THAT.

I feel like I just hit that point today. Granted I am a lot more in tune with my inner fuck you than usual because of shark week, busy week, back handed compliments from family .... but here I am just living my life, and minding my own business and then bam like a bolt of lightening it just happened.

I have always been the person to take care of everyone else, to be there for everyone else, to DEVOTE AND SACRIFICE MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR EVERYONE ELSE....

To be not good enough for some one else.
And you know what? I'm fucking done. The end.

Why do have to be anything other than who and what I am.... or why should I have to feel bad for who and what I am?

Why can't I just be? Why can't I just be accepted for what is and loved for that even?
Why am I settling for less than that? I should not be. All of a sudden it just hit me, and I was like fuck that. Life is too short.

waves

I feel like I am in the low part of the tide today. Its quiet, there is a wide bank of sand.... but I can hear the storm and the waves in the distance...

I am really working hard to hold it all together.
Last week was a whirlwind of emotions. It's hard to be on the brink of emotional shut down and look like all is well on the outside.

I will be traveling again this week, then resuming life as usual the following week... I will be seeing a holistic doctor next week, and working on starting therapy soon. I hope it all helps. I really long to have some silence right now; some relief.

Its hard to be on the brink of panic all the time.

I wish I could stay locked up here in my warm and comfortable house while the rain pours down outside. Here I know mostly what to expect. Here is my place. Here is where my people are.

I just want to feel safe and happy again.

The Bear... The whole fucking field of bears

I just realized that whenever I write it is mostly just to get things out.
I like to talk things out, even if no one is on the receiving end of this conversation.

I am in a dark cloud that is suspended over a field of ferocious bears.
Everything in my life is terrifying and causes me to have heart palpitations, okay well not EVERYTHING.... but almost.

Being sad and anxious ( I know first world problems...) is just the absolute worst ever.
There are a million times a day I just want to hide under a tent of blankets in the darkest corner of a room and not ever face the world again. There a thousand moments in a day that I am convinced that I am about to fuck up my life, everyone else's life, my job, my everything.

The plot lines that live in my mind are those of self absorbed disaster strikes big screen type movies. It's like every fucking situation is my own personal San Andres thriller about to happen minus the popcorn and the rock.....

I don't know what to do. I don't know when or if it will ever end.... it's fucking exhausting, and infuriating, because the reality is my life is not bad, there are a lot of great things in my life and amazing people.....
But when I try to tell the panic within, it's like somehow my heart and my mind are not getting the memo....
Like a broke down line of communication within myself... it's like I am communicating reality vs anxiety and sadness through a tin can and string phone system, when what I really need is a fucking CELL PHONE.

I wish it would stop. I hope that it stops. No matter how much I tell myself to breathe, that it is all only feelings, and that there really are no bears there, and no dark clouds.... the feelings remain. My heart still pounds. My throat still gets dry, I still fidget like a 3 year old child that just got told to sit still, my inner instinct is screaming inside my head.... RUN... GET IN THE CAR.... TURN THE MUSIC LOUD, ROLL THE WINDOWS DOWN, JUST GET THE HELL OUTTA DODGE! Drive into the sunset, away from the buildings and into the forest...... Run, run, run..... or hide under the blankets in the darkest corner you can find.

Fuck.

pounds of me on that little blog No one reads...

I have spent the better half of the last 24 months trying to squeeze myself back into my former 160 lbs box.
Right now I'm starting to feel like all of that is a bunch of complete bullshit.
I keep seeing all these extremely brave plus size girls come into their own by embracing their bodies..
Cannot help but think how brave they all are...
Listening to fat girl walking today, and she was talking about a project she did where she had sex with her husband everyday for a year to get herself comfortable with her own body. What a revolutionary concept! Not sure I could pull that project off.....
But I saw another one today from yoursmeley that I can try.
Lord knows I need to start somewhere,  absolutely no sense in waiting anymore time to like myself more and loathe myself less.....

215 pounds of......
Me as I am
A mother and wife
A friend
A soul
36 years of living and learning
Stretch marks that tell a story
Sacrifice and lack thereof
Love.

Stories

I have spent a good deal of time in my new career journey beating myself up.

I have all these stories in my head that I have been beating down like flies

"you are not good enough"
"you are not smart enough"
"you don't know what you are doing"
" you have to make x amount of money in order to live"
"you are not going to make it"

Lately it has been a struggle to keep the ugly ness at bay.

I had to reconnect myself to my landmark teachings in order to reground myself again and sit with simba on the cliff over looking the playa.

Isn't it funny that no matter how much time has passed or how old you get these things never stop existing...

I am grateful however for mostly putting to rest the whole what is my life I am old and do not have my shit together conversation.

I feel like my inner child has taken over that dialogue, bursting in uninvited and un-announced screaming to have fun, be creative, color!!!!

I think this must be the same inner child that manifested the adult coloring book. I need to get one of those by the way..

Sigh, i don't have any idea where I am going, but I know where I have been; and I know I want to color and play.

That about sums it up folks.