I have been asked if I am pregnant twice in one weeks time. Oddly I am not upset, I see what I am doing to my body and I am very consciously trying to stop my impulse to stuff my face with my grievances.
Impulse control involving food has been hard for me this year, but it is definitely something i am tackling this week in creation of my possibility.
The other large thing I am working on is complaining. Negativity is been too present in my life. I am only hurting myself with my thoughts I need to re route them.
I came to the realization yesterday that all these small things or these things that i see as small, that I have been trying to get a hold on all are intertwined and connected to my need to be healthy in all senses as i am able as a human being.
I am craving a spiritual, physical, mental, emotional wellness to immerse myself in as my lifestyle. By realizing this I think that I will be able to connect and commit to what i need to do to make this wellness healthy life I want a reality.
I still do not have all the aspects figured out. But I am working on it. Will i move north? I'm not sure I will right away, but i feel like i will at some point.
The things that have been driving forces in my life..... I realized have not been serving me well. I have been expending my energy on the road to nowhere and status.
Now that I really feel I can set that aside, I know I can also give up my anger and my frustration.
In a week from now, I am going to be in San Diego packing up my mothers life. I have dreaded this for what seems like forever. But I am realizing now that in an odd way it might give me some closure.
My need to drag this process out has been for me like those last few years and especially those last few weeks.... I have been inflicting this turmoil on myself a bit because I cannot let go like she couldn't.
I know i need to now by doing what needs to be done. I cannot ever let go for good, but i think i can try to find some closure in this situation in the act.
I then plan to instill some healthy boundaries with food, exercise, and meditation.
nam myoho renge kyo.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
first world problems.
Every time I have them, I remind myself and try to smile a bit.
Someone at work told me this adage, and whenever i feel like a deflated balloon I hear his southern twang in my mind and I just smile... it goes : "two tears in a bucket, muthafuckit."
So here is what is rolling around in my brain this week:
Sisters: Went out with Nicole last week, and got to the bottom of her tension. Seems like this whole relationship between my sisters is going to be a pistol to work out... Yes Doreen I hear you in my head telling me it is not my problem, but here is why I am invested.
I love my sisters. I want us all to be one unit. I am worried they will both regret their decisions later on. I want everyone to be happy and peaceful... Kumbaugh man! Just kumbaugh!!!! And I know my mom would not like the situation at all, and I feel she is watching.
Katy/Landmark: I was a total flake on my communicator status, a bunch of shit got in my way. Happiness (kiddo and sis in law registered) Technology (damned phone stopped working) Illness (felt like ish for three days think it was my new nose spray) Work (always some thing going on - wish i had a dull moment once in a while) Anyhoo my group leader seemed less then thrilled. we will see whats up tomorrow night, but as of now I sort of decided this is my last stint as a communicator because it is too damned much communication for me!
Moving: Oh where to? Found a possible position up north, tom also applied up north. Found a great condo here more then i know I can afford and live the life I want but god what I would not give for AC, a washer and dryer, and GARAGE. Plus it has a FIREPLACE and I have a huge stockings hanging over the fireplace at Christmas boner that it somewhat clouds my better judgement. My thoughts are: maybe I should just stay here until after 8th grade for Taylor. If we stay in our current place i want to move if they raise the rest again. If we move to the new place maybe I will get so fed up with my job i will quit one day and we will be screwed. Or maybe I will rock out some awesome Christmas crafts with Taylor and make it work and suck it up in my career and just be thankful - smile my way through all the bullshit events and sales and act like I give a shit about the corporate retail agenda of the "bigfancy" empire. If we move north we will be starting all over and what if does not work out, but what if it DOES. We will be far from a lot of our family, but close to my dad, step mom and sister.
Work: sort of told them i might be looking to transfer north, and I don't want a management position because I value my life more. wonder if they think I am just a big ass flake and cannot decide what to do in my life or what? Why do I give a shit what they may or may not think? these people and this place is not my LIFE, why do i continually value what they think? how my actions affect them?
My moms place: Cleaning it out at the end of the month, so not looking forward to it. thinking about getting the stuff I want to take to my house. Sad because I feel like this is the nail in the coffin. Once my mom's space is clear it really means she is not there anymore and she is never coming back. It is a very desolate and alone feeling, especially when your two sisters are busy hating each other.
My mental state: Am I normal? is what I am going through normal? How much of my life and my decisions are a result of my grieving process right now? I cannot help but question it, because in every day I feel the grief, and it is always in the back of my mind.
Summer: despite the rumblings of my brain, still loving it. I have had some KILLER times. Loving the beach so much! Cannot wait to go back. loving the having fun part and just keeping busy and being out doors. I wish that is all I could do, I think about playing hookie every single day of my life... and I am so not a hookie girl normally. My fun with my family and friends is my escape, and I wish I had a whole summer vacation to bask in because no matter what great days off I have, I always feel like I need WEEKS. My desire to be responsible right now is at 0.
Normally responsible is like, my middle name.
Grateful: that these are my problems, not starvation, not genocide, not tsunami's or horrible weather related tragedies... knock on wood.
The words to uncle johns band - by the greatful dead: "Well the first days are the hardest days, don't you worry any more, Cause when life looks like Easy Street, there is danger at your door.
Think this through with me, let me know your mind, Wo, oh, what I want to know, is are you kind? Come hear Uncle John's Band by the riverside,Got some things to talk about, here beside the rising tide. Come hear Uncle John's Band playing to the tide,Come on along, or go alone, he's come to take his children home. Wo, oh, what I want to know, how does the song go"
Someone at work told me this adage, and whenever i feel like a deflated balloon I hear his southern twang in my mind and I just smile... it goes : "two tears in a bucket, muthafuckit."
So here is what is rolling around in my brain this week:
Sisters: Went out with Nicole last week, and got to the bottom of her tension. Seems like this whole relationship between my sisters is going to be a pistol to work out... Yes Doreen I hear you in my head telling me it is not my problem, but here is why I am invested.
I love my sisters. I want us all to be one unit. I am worried they will both regret their decisions later on. I want everyone to be happy and peaceful... Kumbaugh man! Just kumbaugh!!!! And I know my mom would not like the situation at all, and I feel she is watching.
Katy/Landmark: I was a total flake on my communicator status, a bunch of shit got in my way. Happiness (kiddo and sis in law registered) Technology (damned phone stopped working) Illness (felt like ish for three days think it was my new nose spray) Work (always some thing going on - wish i had a dull moment once in a while) Anyhoo my group leader seemed less then thrilled. we will see whats up tomorrow night, but as of now I sort of decided this is my last stint as a communicator because it is too damned much communication for me!
Moving: Oh where to? Found a possible position up north, tom also applied up north. Found a great condo here more then i know I can afford and live the life I want but god what I would not give for AC, a washer and dryer, and GARAGE. Plus it has a FIREPLACE and I have a huge stockings hanging over the fireplace at Christmas boner that it somewhat clouds my better judgement. My thoughts are: maybe I should just stay here until after 8th grade for Taylor. If we stay in our current place i want to move if they raise the rest again. If we move to the new place maybe I will get so fed up with my job i will quit one day and we will be screwed. Or maybe I will rock out some awesome Christmas crafts with Taylor and make it work and suck it up in my career and just be thankful - smile my way through all the bullshit events and sales and act like I give a shit about the corporate retail agenda of the "bigfancy" empire. If we move north we will be starting all over and what if does not work out, but what if it DOES. We will be far from a lot of our family, but close to my dad, step mom and sister.
Work: sort of told them i might be looking to transfer north, and I don't want a management position because I value my life more. wonder if they think I am just a big ass flake and cannot decide what to do in my life or what? Why do I give a shit what they may or may not think? these people and this place is not my LIFE, why do i continually value what they think? how my actions affect them?
My moms place: Cleaning it out at the end of the month, so not looking forward to it. thinking about getting the stuff I want to take to my house. Sad because I feel like this is the nail in the coffin. Once my mom's space is clear it really means she is not there anymore and she is never coming back. It is a very desolate and alone feeling, especially when your two sisters are busy hating each other.
My mental state: Am I normal? is what I am going through normal? How much of my life and my decisions are a result of my grieving process right now? I cannot help but question it, because in every day I feel the grief, and it is always in the back of my mind.
Summer: despite the rumblings of my brain, still loving it. I have had some KILLER times. Loving the beach so much! Cannot wait to go back. loving the having fun part and just keeping busy and being out doors. I wish that is all I could do, I think about playing hookie every single day of my life... and I am so not a hookie girl normally. My fun with my family and friends is my escape, and I wish I had a whole summer vacation to bask in because no matter what great days off I have, I always feel like I need WEEKS. My desire to be responsible right now is at 0.
Normally responsible is like, my middle name.
Grateful: that these are my problems, not starvation, not genocide, not tsunami's or horrible weather related tragedies... knock on wood.
The words to uncle johns band - by the greatful dead: "Well the first days are the hardest days, don't you worry any more, Cause when life looks like Easy Street, there is danger at your door.
Think this through with me, let me know your mind, Wo, oh, what I want to know, is are you kind? Come hear Uncle John's Band by the riverside,Got some things to talk about, here beside the rising tide. Come hear Uncle John's Band playing to the tide,Come on along, or go alone, he's come to take his children home. Wo, oh, what I want to know, how does the song go"
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Summer Lovin
Usually if you were to ask me what my favorite time of year was I would always say Autumn.
Autumn contains my favorite holiday's my birthday (yes, it's a holiday dammit!), Halloween, and thanksgiving.
For some reason though, I have been loving the summer months this year as much as a school kid on vacation.
I think one of the reason's is that this year has been so full of the some of the biggest highs, and the biggest lows in my life, and many of those high points, have been encapsulated in this season.......
I have spent a lot of time at the beach; I feel as close as I can get to my mom there. This is so sad for me but also very healing. I spent a immensely healing time with my mom's best friend Doreen, spent a healing weekend at home (the mountains) with one of my oldest and dearest friends & spent time in some of my favorite mountain places, Just saw another friend that I love and do not get to see often; had great talks and beach time. :)
Had fourth of July with my hubby and friends.... & I have made some great connections and am working on really transforming some aspects of my life.
I have also decided after what seems like the whole of my life to stop hating my body or how I look and say fuck it. this has lead me to a lot of fun in the water in a bathing suit, no trunks, no t shirts or other coverings. Me, my jiggly cellulite ass and thighs are giving the world a middle finger and loving the skin I am in.
Now that doesn't mean I am still not working on loosing weight, I just am not letting my imperfectness hold me back from living; which I have been notorious for in the past.
I am loving myself more then I think i ever have, & appreciating my life and family more then ever. I cannot help that feel these things are gifts; perspective that a devastating situation has given me.
Sitting back and allowing myself to reflect and realize is good practice for me. It is good to know it is not all bad, even though that stuff sometimes feels so much more prominent.
I am trying to focus my intentions and my attention forward, to the possibilities I am creating:
New jobs, New home, Different lifestyle, Starting my own projects, maybe picking up some art, and just reconnecting with myself.
The nam myoho renge kyo has really helped with all of it, but i need to be more consistent.
Autumn contains my favorite holiday's my birthday (yes, it's a holiday dammit!), Halloween, and thanksgiving.
For some reason though, I have been loving the summer months this year as much as a school kid on vacation.
I think one of the reason's is that this year has been so full of the some of the biggest highs, and the biggest lows in my life, and many of those high points, have been encapsulated in this season.......
I have spent a lot of time at the beach; I feel as close as I can get to my mom there. This is so sad for me but also very healing. I spent a immensely healing time with my mom's best friend Doreen, spent a healing weekend at home (the mountains) with one of my oldest and dearest friends & spent time in some of my favorite mountain places, Just saw another friend that I love and do not get to see often; had great talks and beach time. :)
Had fourth of July with my hubby and friends.... & I have made some great connections and am working on really transforming some aspects of my life.
I have also decided after what seems like the whole of my life to stop hating my body or how I look and say fuck it. this has lead me to a lot of fun in the water in a bathing suit, no trunks, no t shirts or other coverings. Me, my jiggly cellulite ass and thighs are giving the world a middle finger and loving the skin I am in.
Now that doesn't mean I am still not working on loosing weight, I just am not letting my imperfectness hold me back from living; which I have been notorious for in the past.
I am loving myself more then I think i ever have, & appreciating my life and family more then ever. I cannot help that feel these things are gifts; perspective that a devastating situation has given me.
Sitting back and allowing myself to reflect and realize is good practice for me. It is good to know it is not all bad, even though that stuff sometimes feels so much more prominent.
I am trying to focus my intentions and my attention forward, to the possibilities I am creating:
New jobs, New home, Different lifestyle, Starting my own projects, maybe picking up some art, and just reconnecting with myself.
The nam myoho renge kyo has really helped with all of it, but i need to be more consistent.
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