At least for me it is. I cannot tell you how many time's I have visited you out here. How many messages I have sent. It's the one extension of you that still remains to be only yours.
I have spent so many minutes thinking if I am the only one who does this, or if I am crazy or what.
The result, I assume is similar then sitting at a head stone. You talk, you cry, you just are there.... all the while you wonder if the person you are "visiting" is there to?
I'm a big believer in the afterlife. I am a big believer in ghost's. But since the dream where you were telling me to get up, and I didn't I cannot help but feel you have gone away.
It is so selfish I know to want to keep you here with me, but part of me just doesn't care.
It is so crazy to actually say this, but I think it all the time so here it goes: everything sucks without you. I don't care about the things I used to the way I did before. I don't know if I ever will.
I really hate the whole damn thing.
I miss you. I keep telling myself to buck up and stop saying that shit, but it just doesn't work.
I keep saying to myself, I hardly ever saw you when you here anyway. I keep trying to remember hard times, but all I keep thinking of are the precious moments that are locked inside my heart.
If I had a million dollars, I would hire the long island medium so I can just have one last conversation with you again.
It seems stupid, but it's how I feel. I feel so alone in this, I wish I didn't. But you know Gena deals with things differently and Nicole has just checked out period.
Circumstances do not change the people we are. I wish I could just take you in my pocket and take off for a year to all the places you wanted to go.
I wish I knew if these thoughts or these feelings are ever going to end.
I wish I knew that someday I am not going to forget about you. Because I don't want to.
"you are the sun, you are the rain, that makes my life this foolish game.... you need to know, I love you so, and I'd do it all again and again..."
http://youtu.be/Gg6sVDcJdhk
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
mother's day
It was the first mother's day today since my mom passed away.
It is odd, because the last few years I honestly had not even spent mothers day with my mom, but just the meaning of the day creeps in your brain, and by the end of the day makes you feel like you lived a thousand lives in that one day.
I thought a lot about those last three weeks, and how without even thinking I pretty much just dropped my entire life and lived for my mother. I went on a motorcycle ride and as I was told I was going 80MPH, my smile disappeared and all I could think is this is how it felt for my mom to be on a bipap.
I tried to explain the electric feeling the night my mom died, and the spirits in the fog, and got a little hurt when my experience was belittled with explanation..... but then realized that most likely it was a defense mechanism of the other person and I don't have to make it mean a thing other then that I can believe whatever I want. My experience is what I believe.
I listened to someone others recent experience's and even assured one they were not crazy and I believed it... because I do.
I spent time with family and friends. Had a few very short honest conversations with my sister... which I hope continue. If she would just quiet her brain long enough to listen more... that will help.
I cried on my drive home, sung on my drive home, remembered my mom singing, and vowing not to stop until she died.
I miss her damned stubborn fighting spirit and that is the honest truth.
On the day's I miss my mother most, I damn the day's I was cursing her stubborn bullheaded attitude and I just wish, I would have loved her more.
But there I am putting my past in my future by doing that right there aren't I? and here I am putting words on the page, letting go.
Today I really realized I am coming into my own more then I ever have in my whole life.
And I can say whatever I want, think whatever I want, about my mom, but good or bad my experiences with her have largely contributed to the person I am, and the person I am discovering.
She loved me and I know that, in the midst of the sadness I feel when I miss her... knowing that she loves me gives me a solid foundation to cling to.
Like a raft in an ocean, that one fact saves me in the middle of my darkest thoughts, and my saddest times.
Happy mother's day momma. Wherever you are, I hope you have peace, and happiness and all the love you could wish for.
xoxoxox
It is odd, because the last few years I honestly had not even spent mothers day with my mom, but just the meaning of the day creeps in your brain, and by the end of the day makes you feel like you lived a thousand lives in that one day.
I thought a lot about those last three weeks, and how without even thinking I pretty much just dropped my entire life and lived for my mother. I went on a motorcycle ride and as I was told I was going 80MPH, my smile disappeared and all I could think is this is how it felt for my mom to be on a bipap.
I tried to explain the electric feeling the night my mom died, and the spirits in the fog, and got a little hurt when my experience was belittled with explanation..... but then realized that most likely it was a defense mechanism of the other person and I don't have to make it mean a thing other then that I can believe whatever I want. My experience is what I believe.
I listened to someone others recent experience's and even assured one they were not crazy and I believed it... because I do.
I spent time with family and friends. Had a few very short honest conversations with my sister... which I hope continue. If she would just quiet her brain long enough to listen more... that will help.
I cried on my drive home, sung on my drive home, remembered my mom singing, and vowing not to stop until she died.
I miss her damned stubborn fighting spirit and that is the honest truth.
On the day's I miss my mother most, I damn the day's I was cursing her stubborn bullheaded attitude and I just wish, I would have loved her more.
But there I am putting my past in my future by doing that right there aren't I? and here I am putting words on the page, letting go.
Today I really realized I am coming into my own more then I ever have in my whole life.
And I can say whatever I want, think whatever I want, about my mom, but good or bad my experiences with her have largely contributed to the person I am, and the person I am discovering.
She loved me and I know that, in the midst of the sadness I feel when I miss her... knowing that she loves me gives me a solid foundation to cling to.
Like a raft in an ocean, that one fact saves me in the middle of my darkest thoughts, and my saddest times.
Happy mother's day momma. Wherever you are, I hope you have peace, and happiness and all the love you could wish for.
xoxoxox
Friday, May 10, 2013
bittersweet day
Sending your loved one off to the forum after a long struggle to get them there is a little bittersweet.
I am so excited my husband is going, but at the same time I am a little sad that I am not going....
Also him going off to the forum reminds me of my time at my mothers house in san diego.
And how she was so excited to pack me a lunch, and was awake every night when I came home and was excited to visit with me. Although my time with my mom then was so very short, it was the best time I had with her since I was a child.
I really miss her.
I am so excited my husband is going, but at the same time I am a little sad that I am not going....
Also him going off to the forum reminds me of my time at my mothers house in san diego.
And how she was so excited to pack me a lunch, and was awake every night when I came home and was excited to visit with me. Although my time with my mom then was so very short, it was the best time I had with her since I was a child.
I really miss her.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
P.S.
been forgetting to write this down. Saw mom in a dream again the other night. It was dark, I was sleeping, I was so utterly exhausted I could barley open my eyes to look at her when she shook me. She was trying to get me up, telling me we needed to go. she needed to talk to me. I kept mumbling that I was too tired, I would later, but she just persisted. she would shake me, she would call me, finally she looked disappointed and left.
Will she ever come back I wonder?
I hope so. Next time I have to remind myself that I have to get up, and go with her to wherever she takes me.
Come back mom.....
Will she ever come back I wonder?
I hope so. Next time I have to remind myself that I have to get up, and go with her to wherever she takes me.
Come back mom.....
leap of faith
it is hard to take a leap of faith for me, especially if it pertains to some kind of self transformation. But for the last 11 years of my life my former size 10 self has been quietly pleading in the background to resurface.
I run the excuses conversation and the acceptance conversation with myself day and night to muffle her pleas, and after talking to a friend, I decided.... enough is enough.
My friend has decided to be my partner in creating this transformation.
I know I am going to get some criticism because I can already hear my own inside my head, but I have to take a chance because I have so much I want to do.... and the size 18 me just cannot do it all.
If i can do this, I will really prove to myself that I can do anything.... and just maybe my business will be created, established, and become my action... not just my dreams.
I am writing this down to hold myself accountable in my leap, so that when I get to the cliffside, and decide it's too high, and that I really do not want to jump.... I will read this and my size 10 self will push me off of that cliff and on to my transformation.
I run the excuses conversation and the acceptance conversation with myself day and night to muffle her pleas, and after talking to a friend, I decided.... enough is enough.
My friend has decided to be my partner in creating this transformation.
I know I am going to get some criticism because I can already hear my own inside my head, but I have to take a chance because I have so much I want to do.... and the size 18 me just cannot do it all.
If i can do this, I will really prove to myself that I can do anything.... and just maybe my business will be created, established, and become my action... not just my dreams.
I am writing this down to hold myself accountable in my leap, so that when I get to the cliffside, and decide it's too high, and that I really do not want to jump.... I will read this and my size 10 self will push me off of that cliff and on to my transformation.
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