I think I forgot why I started this in the first place for a minute.

I was driving home this morning and thinking about this blog. It occurred to me today that I think I have forgotten the point of this project.

I started this blog to get my creative juices flowing, at one point I actually was a pretty good writer....
But instead for the most part I feel like this thing has turned out to be my own personal bleeding heart sort of journal.... and no one is reading any how. That part is ok with me, but I really am trying to figure out if this thing is helping me.

It has been helping me in the sense I get to lay it all on the line, I get to say how I feel and what is on my mind and leave it on the page. It has really been years since I have been able to truly do that. I think a lot of that has not only to do with the writing but the growth I have really been doing as a person in my classes. It is incredible to really be able to let go.

I know that there are several times throughout this blog I will write in regards to the same subject (example my mom) over and over. But it does not mean I am letting go every time I write. I am letting go of what ever I am writing that day. If the subject re-appears in a string of post's then it is something that I am going to continue to deal with for a space of time.

So I guess after thinking about it, I have decided that I do want to get more creative in my writing.... I just need to work on it. But, I don't want to give up on the snippets of my life and my day to day either... Those honest, raw, and really personal thoughts have really become what "snippets" really is....

I do not know if I will ever gain an audience here, or even if I want one. I started this blog for me, and it will continue to be for me.

Once I nail down the creative portion of my writing side... I guess it would be nice to have feedback... but whatever happens, I am perfectly ok right where I am....

dreams, thoughts, heart ache

It is in the quiet of the night that you fill my thoughts, when my heart aches because the world is quiet and there is nothing more to distract me. Last night I dreamed I was watching a video of you laughing. It was your birthday many years from now.... you were with Grandma Irene and you both were so old, I just remember being so confused.... and then a little angry. I felt like I was left out of the biggest secret on earth, and that you must still be here.  

Last week I dreamed You were young and beautiful and that you were chasing a five year old me on these old world cobblestone streets in Italy. These beautiful burgandy buildings lined the roads and we were giggling and you were chasing me as I hid around the corners of these buildings. This scene took place on top of the clouds above me and I watched until I just could not stand it anymore and I cried out for you as tears streamed down my face... "Mom! I love you! Mom! I miss you" All of a sudden you just stopped in your tracks, like you had awoken from some dream. You looked down with a worried expression on your face and you sighed. You said "I love you too baby."

Two day's after you died I saw you in meditation. You smiled at me, you held my hand... we walked to the beach together, we sat down and just held hands and watched the surf in silence. The mood felt light and free until I had to come back and then  I threw my arms around you and held on, but I just could not stay.

I wish I knew what it all meant.

 I wish I knew where you are. 

I wish I could explain this thing that I feel, and I could justify my feelings sometimes.

I wish I knew why sometimes I try to remember bad times, just so I won't miss you so much...

I wish I could be there for my child in her pain and allow her to see mine without worrying how it will affect her.

I wish I did not have to be strong, and go on sometimes. I just wish I could pick up the phone and call and hear stories about the dog, and the cleaning lady, and about family.

All those meaningless seeming conversations that seemed so hard to fit in to my schedule now are the thing I miss the most. That, and your laugh. 

I wish I could sleep. 

I wish I could see you healthy, see you smile and be happy. Hug you and hold you and just tell you that I love you, and I always have. I know you know it, but I just wish I could tell you.

I know it goes without saying, but I miss you so. I would take back my worst days with you right now just to have you here... in these dark, quiet nights I would really take anything.

mind tricks.

Last Saturday evening my moms best friend was talking about her last conversation with her on the phone.
It was the last conversation my mom ever had.
She told me my mom said " I wish I could find a way out of this." Hearing that broke my heart, and also reminded me I heard her say that into the phone.... but had blocked it out until the story was retold to me.

Now it is all I can hear. In my days as I push through life.... in the quiet of the night instead of sleep.

The confirmation that my mother did not want to die.... was not ready to die.... is killing me.

missing you my momma.

So much has happened in the last three weeks. I never expected to feel the way I have.

A few weeks ago I saw my mom in a guided mediation. She smiled at me and held my hand. We just kept looking at each other through the grass and smiled. Eventually we got up and walked through the meadow, through the trees, and out onto this beach, where we sat quietly and looked over the ocean. When it came time to go I through my arms around her and said I did not want to, she just said "but you have to." And that was that.

A few days later she came to Taylor in a dream. and Taylor hugged her, she woke up crying.

Since then life for me has been an emotional roller coaster.
I have been trying so hard to move on, to not hold back in life or in opportunity. To fiercely live, as I now truly understand now how fleeting life is and I am determined to live, and not have regrets. But it is hard when everyday I just want to sleep all day and dream about my mom.

I know she was never the perfect mother. But I also know she loved me and I miss her.
I cannot help how I feel. I just wish I could talk to her, just one more time. It is not because I have anything important to say... or any business with her left unfinished. It is just because I miss her, I want to just hear her laugh one more time, just have one more hour to talk about nothing to talk about anything.

Yesterday, I sat at her memorial and listened and watched the dolphins swim by as Doreen talked and really for the most part, I was fine. I am strong in front of others. It is in my own thoughts and alone time where I am weak, where I am despondent, where I am so sad. In this way, I think I am much as my mother was.
I keep thinking back to the time she lost her own mother. I do not think I ever saw her cry. She was in so much pain, and lonely. I refused to see it. I was selfish and I treated her poorly. Even worse, I thought I had the right to.

I am so sorry for that. I so wish I could take that back. I hope she knows that. I know she knows I love her. I know we all do bad things sometimes, but I wish so much I could change it.

Even in the times as I drove in silence to San Diego for the umteinthmillionth time it seemed and I silently prayed this was the end... I only wished for her suffering to end, that is all. I only wished for mine to end too, I did not realize then, mine is only beginning.

Mom, I wish I could tell you a hundred times over. I love you, I miss you. I see your smile when I close my eyes, and hold your laughter in my heart. I'm so sorry for any hurt I ever made you feel. I always loved you from the top of my heart to the bottom, and I always will.