Day 4. Gotta say, randomly writing thoughts somewhere has been pretty damn therapeutic for my G.A.D. I think because I am what I consider to be an "ideas person" that I have so many thoughts a day. so many ideas a day.... Not getting some of them out somewhere can be frustrating without me even knowing it. I am a compassionate person. I probably think about, wonder about, and care about more people then that think about me.
Sometimes evil me hates that a lot. She laughs mockingly at me when I get over sensitive or butt hurt about something I probably should not. I attribute my sensitive nature to namdad.
He is a lot more sensitive then me. And seems to always have pent up anger and frustration.
owlgran used to always say it was because of his time in the junglewar. She would always tell me he was never like that before. I always wondered if she was right or if she had scewed perception. I mean her and gigglepa never had anything but great things to say about unclepoppy even though it was clear he had a unique affection for all things chemical. It took over his whole life as far as I could see. He never showed love to us, never came around. Rarely called. Ended his days by the spoon and needle. Lonely and pretty dark, I imagine.
Sometimes when the dark water rolls in and I think I can almost understand how something like that can take over. But I have seen too much of that in my surroundings in this life time, knew from a young age I would never give in to those kind of demons.
I think gigglepa saw some dark things in his early days too. But he turned it around all his life. Smiling, joking, singing. He made an entire room shine, kept everyone smiling. Some of my favorite memories ever of are of him and owlgran on Arboleta street. My favorite thing was standing at the screen door watching the spot light trace the skyline, or listening to the old 45's. How can you not smile when you are singing about doggie's in the window or parades?
I miss those two everyday. Would kill for an hour of time for a conversation and a hug. All the things I would love to say. Tell them about cool kid. I know gigglepa and owlgran would just adore her and she them.
"And while they grow up you will show up
In things they do and say
Like a reflection to a connection
Of who they'll be one day
They will learn to get their wings
And fly through the changes life will bring
So on
And it will go on
And you will go on"
God listen here. I'm having a mellow okay day and here I am writing myself into the dark, sad place. I gotta work on that shit.
Pth.... the good stuff, the good stuff, talk about the good stuff.
Mr. fixit, coolkid, & I are together all day. That is great. We needed it. It's a mellow day. We are enjoying each others company today. I woke up this morning, wiped the sleep from my eyes and Mr. fixit gave me a good morning warm embrace and a kiss. It was so nice. Those small gestures can make or break my day. The little pleasantries are what make me the most happy.
We are excited to go to mexicali fest later. Usually we jam on down with friends. I think last time we went we had Ms. knowsitall and artsygirl in tow and we had a great time. Although I know I will miss that aspect. I feel like something so simple is going to be a good bonding experience for us today. It's just the vibe that I am getting. And I am cool with that, bonding is on my list of priorities right now. :)
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
snippet 3 - Juju calling
Cool kid and I are driving home, talking about a recent weaving loom experience she had at a friends house recently and it just brought me right back to my "unofficial grandma"
Part of the reason this year was so hard for me up to this point has been due to her loss.
I know there are people who probably question that because for the last seven or so years of my adult life our chats and correspondences were few and far between. In retrospect this makes me so sad, because the reason for that was, 1. life and 2. stupid people I don't respect surrounding a great woman I always loved and respected more then I was ever able to express to her. I guess you always think tomorrow you will get the chance. I never even realized that until uncle moking had his poem to his mother read by my best mom at the memorial.I never put it all together until then.
The night I heard the news and the day after I cried a fair amount, but just chocked it up to grief. But it was there; in that moment, there was a line in his poem... (damn I wish I had a copy of it it was so beautiful... who knew uncle moking was so talented?) it said something like "all the words I thought I had more time to say, now are gone with yesterday.) That line, escaping best mom's lips. It ripped my heart out. And it was then I realized. I never got to tell her. I never got to say thank you. I stayed under the radar to avoid people that don't really matter to me, when I let one huge important influence in my life slip through the cracks and now I cannot even say I'm sorry. How fucked up is that? And I am not sure on which end it is more.
Regret, is a terrible horrible thing that will rip you apart.
Being the kind of person I am I really try not let people see my misery, or my sadness because I am so ashamed sometimes of my big ass heart. So When I got up to read brothers solders eulogy, I thought this is perfect, he is singing the song of happy childhood smiles and I smiled right along with them....until I didn't anymore. I balled like a fucking baby in front of a room full of 60 some odd people that were like who the fuck is this girl? and I felt ashamed, as the crappy people I avoided steely gazed me like I had no right to mourn. But no one knew what I was mourning that day. No one has truly understood except best mom since, what I always mourn. The loss of a women who never had to love me, had no obligation to me. But always did. She always listened to me when I needed her no matter what. Always tried to guide me through my life the best way she knew how. Someone I took for granted and assumed she would be around for me to say thank you, but she was gone in the snap of my fingertips.....
Several people there were mourning their rock, their lifeline, hell I hate to say it but... their meal ticket. Not me, I was mourning the woman I loved, and my own damned stupidity and selfishness.
So cool kid and I are talking about the weaving loom, and how much she really enjoyed weaving. I started without thinking to talk about Juju and the weaving loom she gave me one year as a Christmas gift, The doll Elena she made for me, the many things she always did for me. and the next thing I know we are talking about 99 cent store trips for almond cookies and swimming in kitties pool and summers in Covina, and it's the first time in a long time I have thought of "unofficial grandma" and smiled. Because I'm lucky. I'm damn luck. I hope she knows.... how much I really love her.
Part of the reason this year was so hard for me up to this point has been due to her loss.
I know there are people who probably question that because for the last seven or so years of my adult life our chats and correspondences were few and far between. In retrospect this makes me so sad, because the reason for that was, 1. life and 2. stupid people I don't respect surrounding a great woman I always loved and respected more then I was ever able to express to her. I guess you always think tomorrow you will get the chance. I never even realized that until uncle moking had his poem to his mother read by my best mom at the memorial.I never put it all together until then.
The night I heard the news and the day after I cried a fair amount, but just chocked it up to grief. But it was there; in that moment, there was a line in his poem... (damn I wish I had a copy of it it was so beautiful... who knew uncle moking was so talented?) it said something like "all the words I thought I had more time to say, now are gone with yesterday.) That line, escaping best mom's lips. It ripped my heart out. And it was then I realized. I never got to tell her. I never got to say thank you. I stayed under the radar to avoid people that don't really matter to me, when I let one huge important influence in my life slip through the cracks and now I cannot even say I'm sorry. How fucked up is that? And I am not sure on which end it is more.
Regret, is a terrible horrible thing that will rip you apart.
Being the kind of person I am I really try not let people see my misery, or my sadness because I am so ashamed sometimes of my big ass heart. So When I got up to read brothers solders eulogy, I thought this is perfect, he is singing the song of happy childhood smiles and I smiled right along with them....until I didn't anymore. I balled like a fucking baby in front of a room full of 60 some odd people that were like who the fuck is this girl? and I felt ashamed, as the crappy people I avoided steely gazed me like I had no right to mourn. But no one knew what I was mourning that day. No one has truly understood except best mom since, what I always mourn. The loss of a women who never had to love me, had no obligation to me. But always did. She always listened to me when I needed her no matter what. Always tried to guide me through my life the best way she knew how. Someone I took for granted and assumed she would be around for me to say thank you, but she was gone in the snap of my fingertips.....
Several people there were mourning their rock, their lifeline, hell I hate to say it but... their meal ticket. Not me, I was mourning the woman I loved, and my own damned stupidity and selfishness.
So cool kid and I are talking about the weaving loom, and how much she really enjoyed weaving. I started without thinking to talk about Juju and the weaving loom she gave me one year as a Christmas gift, The doll Elena she made for me, the many things she always did for me. and the next thing I know we are talking about 99 cent store trips for almond cookies and swimming in kitties pool and summers in Covina, and it's the first time in a long time I have thought of "unofficial grandma" and smiled. Because I'm lucky. I'm damn luck. I hope she knows.... how much I really love her.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Snippet 2
Well here we are day two of writing something consecutively. I guess right now for me I am not in a place where I really give a damn what I am writing about, just as long as I get something down period. I remember a time in my life where writing had been a huge outlet for me. I wrote everyday, and there were so many times that, and only that was my saving grace. Lately a night cap has been my outlet. Not really the healthiest of habits when your mom used to be an alcoholic really. But what the hell, I do what I can i guess....
So someday, I really want to write a book. This has been a long term goal for me; more recently I have wanted to write a dark comedy based on just how ridiculous my day to day life can be. I wish I could elaborate on this more... really but there are some big suits out there that keep my lip tightly zipped on this subject, and really that is a big part of why that project has never made it to fruition. It's the fear.
So moving on from that....
I have been thinking a lot about goals, dreams, aspirations.... not just for me but for the cool kid, and Mr. fixit too. I thought I was getting along pretty fabulously, or at least as best I could until Mr. heartonhissleeve showed me a plan, and I was like damn my shit is not together at all! (story of my life) Evil little me creeps in at times like these and is all to happy to point these things out to me and laugh mockingly. That really is the problem with being your own worst enemy.
Anyhoo, I am fairly sure I need a freaking life coach or something to organize it all and separate the wouldn't it be nice if's? from actual reality. I am actually taking a course in a few weeks that I am hoping is going to be my bridge for just that purpose. If it doesn't really work out, I am not really sure what the hell I'm gonna do. I kinda feel like... I have been treading dark water for the entire year, and finally I see this lighted buoy in the distance. I don't have much longer to go until I get to it, and maybe once I do I can just take a breath. Relax a minute. Lay back and float for a minute. Look at the stars and think for a second, without fear that whatever is under that water is going to grab hold and drag me down.
It is really hard to keep swimming and not let it drag you down. It really is. Especially when you have been dragged down in the past. Every time the dark gets a hold of you, if you are lucky enough to resurface from it, there are two things that happen. One, you find you are a little weaker at resisting from future attacks by the dark. Because the dark kills your soul a little every time it gets you. It numbs your brain and your heart a little too. So that even in the greatest highs of your life, you never feel the joy you had before the dark ever got to you. You never laugh the deep belly laughs quite like you did when you were a bright, shiny star.
Number two is you get wiser. But with wisdom is a whole other slew of crappy things. Things like mistrust of people. Cynicism. I remember floating in the air with Mr. fixit and cool kid recently. We were on a para sail on the ocean, evil me was telling me the noise on my upper right was the latch getting ready to give way because I'm a heifer. Naturally my big mouth voices evil me's opinion out loud, and the cool kid... god bless her she is still a bright shiny star.... She say's "Don't worry mom, no matter what happens we will be okay, because god will take care of us." Evil me laughed out loud literally. Cool kid looked at me puzzled asked me if I was laughing at her. I told her of course not, I was laughing at me. I explained that the kind of faith she has is beautiful, and I wished that I was not so damaged that I had none. I encouraged her to hold on to that faith. Not really sure that she even knew what I meant or if she will even remember my words later when she treads water and the dark waves start to roll in..... let's hope for her sake they don't. Cool kid deserves to be a bright shiny star all her life.
So wow got a little off track there..... what was my point here? Oh yes the lighted buoy. Let's just say I am putting a lot of faith in it. Probably a lot more then I really ought to. But I really need it. (I just noticed i say really a whole damned lot.) I'm not saying that everything is all black all the time. I'm just saying that I need there to be no more dark water. The dark water keeps me from being who I want to be. Keeps me from making the life I want with Mr.fixit and the cool kid. If I can just chase that dark water away, I might get more clarity. I might know what I need to do. I might stop aimlessly treading dark water for what seems like my whole damned life. I am in a place where I need the epiphany to really turn it around and make it shine again. Don't get me wrong; I love my family. I really do. I am looking to tie those bonds tighter, make it solid for good. I'm looking to get my compass on the long term track. And really shine in my career sector, be full filled and inspired in my everyday as far as that is concerned. I'm looking to open up time in my life to full fill my sense of adventure too... and be able to share that with Mr. fixit and the cool kid.
It kinda sound like I am trying to make everything perfect don't I? That is not the case... I'm just trying to make everything perfect for me.
So someday, I really want to write a book. This has been a long term goal for me; more recently I have wanted to write a dark comedy based on just how ridiculous my day to day life can be. I wish I could elaborate on this more... really but there are some big suits out there that keep my lip tightly zipped on this subject, and really that is a big part of why that project has never made it to fruition. It's the fear.
So moving on from that....
I have been thinking a lot about goals, dreams, aspirations.... not just for me but for the cool kid, and Mr. fixit too. I thought I was getting along pretty fabulously, or at least as best I could until Mr. heartonhissleeve showed me a plan, and I was like damn my shit is not together at all! (story of my life) Evil little me creeps in at times like these and is all to happy to point these things out to me and laugh mockingly. That really is the problem with being your own worst enemy.
Anyhoo, I am fairly sure I need a freaking life coach or something to organize it all and separate the wouldn't it be nice if's? from actual reality. I am actually taking a course in a few weeks that I am hoping is going to be my bridge for just that purpose. If it doesn't really work out, I am not really sure what the hell I'm gonna do. I kinda feel like... I have been treading dark water for the entire year, and finally I see this lighted buoy in the distance. I don't have much longer to go until I get to it, and maybe once I do I can just take a breath. Relax a minute. Lay back and float for a minute. Look at the stars and think for a second, without fear that whatever is under that water is going to grab hold and drag me down.
It is really hard to keep swimming and not let it drag you down. It really is. Especially when you have been dragged down in the past. Every time the dark gets a hold of you, if you are lucky enough to resurface from it, there are two things that happen. One, you find you are a little weaker at resisting from future attacks by the dark. Because the dark kills your soul a little every time it gets you. It numbs your brain and your heart a little too. So that even in the greatest highs of your life, you never feel the joy you had before the dark ever got to you. You never laugh the deep belly laughs quite like you did when you were a bright, shiny star.
Number two is you get wiser. But with wisdom is a whole other slew of crappy things. Things like mistrust of people. Cynicism. I remember floating in the air with Mr. fixit and cool kid recently. We were on a para sail on the ocean, evil me was telling me the noise on my upper right was the latch getting ready to give way because I'm a heifer. Naturally my big mouth voices evil me's opinion out loud, and the cool kid... god bless her she is still a bright shiny star.... She say's "Don't worry mom, no matter what happens we will be okay, because god will take care of us." Evil me laughed out loud literally. Cool kid looked at me puzzled asked me if I was laughing at her. I told her of course not, I was laughing at me. I explained that the kind of faith she has is beautiful, and I wished that I was not so damaged that I had none. I encouraged her to hold on to that faith. Not really sure that she even knew what I meant or if she will even remember my words later when she treads water and the dark waves start to roll in..... let's hope for her sake they don't. Cool kid deserves to be a bright shiny star all her life.
So wow got a little off track there..... what was my point here? Oh yes the lighted buoy. Let's just say I am putting a lot of faith in it. Probably a lot more then I really ought to. But I really need it. (I just noticed i say really a whole damned lot.) I'm not saying that everything is all black all the time. I'm just saying that I need there to be no more dark water. The dark water keeps me from being who I want to be. Keeps me from making the life I want with Mr.fixit and the cool kid. If I can just chase that dark water away, I might get more clarity. I might know what I need to do. I might stop aimlessly treading dark water for what seems like my whole damned life. I am in a place where I need the epiphany to really turn it around and make it shine again. Don't get me wrong; I love my family. I really do. I am looking to tie those bonds tighter, make it solid for good. I'm looking to get my compass on the long term track. And really shine in my career sector, be full filled and inspired in my everyday as far as that is concerned. I'm looking to open up time in my life to full fill my sense of adventure too... and be able to share that with Mr. fixit and the cool kid.
It kinda sound like I am trying to make everything perfect don't I? That is not the case... I'm just trying to make everything perfect for me.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
snippet 1
Well here it goes off on my third or fourth blogging adventure now... Not sure this whole thing is really going to last; but we will see how it goes.
If anyone ever actually does read this you will find that I am a very blunt and direct writer, none of this flowery words stuff. I write like I talk, and I talk like I think.... although there might be a point where some flowery, poetic thoughts are in there.... for the most part I am a realist with a touch of a dreamers bug from time to time. lol okay who am I really kidding all the time.
I have terrible, terrible, grass is greener syndrome. Pretty much anyone that knows me, knows that and can back this up. Every day or every week I am always driving myself crazy with the wouldn't it be nice if? Hell just this morning in the shower I was talking to my husband about moving to Hawaii for work someday... and asking if he was in. I think this syndrome stems from the lack of experience really. I have never left the country, never seen most of the damned country for that matter, never really allowed my sense of adventure take over my life.
That all stems from another one of my past issues.... I like to call it the white picket fence syndrome. Unlike some of my favorite people on earth, I spent a good majority of my youth in the race to the pursuit of the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, 2 volvo's, and the chocolate lab in the yard. Ironically I totally got side barred by the unexpected. Mr. fix it, and boooy did I have a job to do. I still do everyday really. One of my friends always pokes fun at me that I like to "fix" people. He is totally right, he calls me on my shit just as he sees it laughs or no. That has been the M.O. most of my adult hood.
Problem is, grass is greener is getting antsy. Hell she is getting old. She wants to figure out how to turn Mr. fix it into Mr. do it your damned self, and get the hell on white picket fence or not to the greatest adventure with the cool kid in tow. Funny thing is, it's hard to really know how to get all that shit started without really knowing where the grand adventure will take you.
Step one for me is internal reflection, and working on the work-front direction in my life.
Life has been weird this year, so that is where I am at.
Baby steps. controlling my controllable's for now.
Wish I had Ms. knowsitall here, distance between us has defiantly been hard on my end this year. The older I get the fewer and far between are the people I truly trust completely; and Ms. Knowsitall and I are like peas and carrots. The veggie's have a hard time when they are separated, shit gets funky. At least it does on the end of the carrots life, cannot really speak for the peas I guess.
If anyone ever actually does read this you will find that I am a very blunt and direct writer, none of this flowery words stuff. I write like I talk, and I talk like I think.... although there might be a point where some flowery, poetic thoughts are in there.... for the most part I am a realist with a touch of a dreamers bug from time to time. lol okay who am I really kidding all the time.
I have terrible, terrible, grass is greener syndrome. Pretty much anyone that knows me, knows that and can back this up. Every day or every week I am always driving myself crazy with the wouldn't it be nice if? Hell just this morning in the shower I was talking to my husband about moving to Hawaii for work someday... and asking if he was in. I think this syndrome stems from the lack of experience really. I have never left the country, never seen most of the damned country for that matter, never really allowed my sense of adventure take over my life.
That all stems from another one of my past issues.... I like to call it the white picket fence syndrome. Unlike some of my favorite people on earth, I spent a good majority of my youth in the race to the pursuit of the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, 2 volvo's, and the chocolate lab in the yard. Ironically I totally got side barred by the unexpected. Mr. fix it, and boooy did I have a job to do. I still do everyday really. One of my friends always pokes fun at me that I like to "fix" people. He is totally right, he calls me on my shit just as he sees it laughs or no. That has been the M.O. most of my adult hood.
Problem is, grass is greener is getting antsy. Hell she is getting old. She wants to figure out how to turn Mr. fix it into Mr. do it your damned self, and get the hell on white picket fence or not to the greatest adventure with the cool kid in tow. Funny thing is, it's hard to really know how to get all that shit started without really knowing where the grand adventure will take you.
Step one for me is internal reflection, and working on the work-front direction in my life.
Life has been weird this year, so that is where I am at.
Baby steps. controlling my controllable's for now.
Wish I had Ms. knowsitall here, distance between us has defiantly been hard on my end this year. The older I get the fewer and far between are the people I truly trust completely; and Ms. Knowsitall and I are like peas and carrots. The veggie's have a hard time when they are separated, shit gets funky. At least it does on the end of the carrots life, cannot really speak for the peas I guess.
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