Confession

In the last few weeks, I have done an excellent job of striving to be awake in my life. To be cause in the matter, vs order in the chaos.

What I have found, is I have done a damn good job of stumbling around half awake; all the while I am telling myself quietly that different results call for different actions.

The devil on my other shoulder is whispering back, “we have time, we have time.”

I cannot pin point how or why, but today I discovered this is the same bitch I listen to every year. Then half a year goes by, and still the same results…. Then the rest of the year goes by, and I end up shrugging off my failures and making a new yet familiar list of to do’s.

I am here to proudly declare that shit ends TODAY.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my own progression. I listen too much to the settler side of the voices in my head. She tells me this is good enough, tells me I can’t.

She tells me I am not smart enough, I’m too old, no one cares about me, I am too stupid…. That voice has so much to say.

I have spent the last year and a half in all out war with this bitch inside my head, and I realize that I cannot win the war against her because declaring to myself and once in a while a few close people to me what I am working on, what I dream about, or what I want is not enough to get me far.

Eventually I end up laying down my weapons and befriending the bitch on my shoulder again.

I don’t have any time; all I have is now…. And if you are reading this; please know this is the ultimate act of bravery for me; and that I need you to keep me accountable, to keep me in line so that I do not cave and become my own greatest enemy.

Here is what I want to accomplish – this is what I want to be…. (all the while trying hard to stay unattached to the results)

• Smile in the face of fear, and do the things that scare the shit out of me, which include:

-        Getting my pro blog up and running

-         Changing jobs even if it is temporary – I need to push myself outside my comfort zone.

-        LOOSE 50 pounds, not because I want to be a model, but because I want to live for a very long time, and do things without physical set backs.

• Meditate daily
• Write regularly, my blog, maybe a book, whatever I feel
• Read more books
• GO TO SCHOOL. I want to live in a different way. I want to help others.
• Take an art class, I want to draw, and paint again, I miss that part of me
• Travel. I have so much to see.
• Believe I can.

All of this list might seem really superficial and trivial to you The gods honest truth is every second I am writing this confession the looking good part of my brain fears someone will view me to be totally self involved like Hannah from Girls…

The half empty awake side of my brain that is forcing the hand that writes this post says…. “well who isn’t?”

So I guess there is nothing left to do but ask for help. I am a person who obviously needs a village to believe in myself, if you think you belong in that group, don’t waste time sign your ass up…. I need you.

Team - Lorde