Are we there yet?

So after what seems like an eternity I decided to come back here for inspiration.

I am thinking about starting back up on my professional blog

www.love-is-beauty.com again, I really do not know why I made excuses to fall to the wayside.

In addition, I am also considering another professional project with a friend.

I often ask myself why I decide to pile up the wish list projects in order to fill my deep well of a soul.... and why I always give up on myself, or grow weary of the do list to get to things...

I think it all boils deep down to belief in myself and better time management skills! HA!

Everyday of my life feels as though it ought to be at least six hours longer (says the girl who loves sleep and took a two hour nap today!)

I have too many projects I want started, too many classes I want to take, too many places I want to go, and too much stuff I just really NEED to do.

Ironically what I am doing is low, low, low on the list.  It's a funny thing to do what is needed to survive, yet feel completely compelled to identify yourself as the profession.

There is something about what I do that just sucks me in, has a grip on my soul.

And then there is that awesome thing called money. yeah that has me too. Wouldn't it just be so amazing to give money the finger and live free and clear?

Live solely on your desires and your passions. Breathe in life, breathe in love, and just live, live, live?

That's the dream.... now on to the drawing board. the question is can I get there?

Stages of grief, & the year I grew a foot

As the time draws nearer to February16^th, I get the memories of my mothers last day’s flooding back to me. The feelings take over when I look back. Terror, fear, indescribable broken heartedness, & sadness.

I used to always think that once I lived through my husband’s drug addiction that I was a rock, and nothing would ever break me again. I lived those days knowing every one of them that I was wrong.

I imagine that this experience is a lot like what P.T.S.D. must feel like. Being brought back to those memories like this takes a grip on my heart and makes me grow so quiet. The deep desperation of the situation makes me feel sick.

My mind plays back the days like movies.

• The minute I took my mothers hand alone in the ICU on that first Sunday with the uncertainty again of her survival heavy on my mind.

• Watching her sing Nancy Wilson in the dark, with my sister once out of the ICU.

• Staying up all night talking about nothing, about everything.

• Holding her hand in those final 2 days and silently praying for peace for her, for ourselves. We were so broken.

• The day I left the hospital for the last time with tears streaming down my face.

• Her memorial on the beach.

• All the places I have been, this year. I carried my mother in my heart like a weight of devastation that I could not let go.

 

 

In the beginning I was so angry at myself for carrying this pain so heavy on my heart with me day in and day out; my own personal little rain cloud, even on the sunny days to remind me of my mother’s absence. I felt I should be stronger, I was disappointed in myself.

It was not until September that I realized I did not have to be angry at myself anymore, and that it was ok to let a little of that pain go, it didn’t mean I was forgetting her. I also realized it was ok to feel however I was going to feel in any given moment; that it did not mean I was not strong.

Once I got that clarity, I was really able to live my life. I got through my birthday, and the holiday’s far better then I ever anticipated. It was only in the late nights in December that I had difficulty sleeping, so I stayed up, baked and listened to music . I felt like she was there; like it was our time to be together.

Trying to pull myself from the past, I instead now try to divert my attention to the strides I really have made this year as a person, to the total and complete experience, recognizing how far I have come.

On the other side of the worst part of the grief, I got to see where I was going as a person, and how far I had come in these 12 months.

I stopped chasing the need to find proof of my mom’s existence in every experience, and instead, I just experienced my life.

Looking back now, I think my mom’s greatest gift is this enormous period of growth that the last days of her life, and her passing has forced on me.

I may not be a million dollars richer, or even look like I am much different on the outside, but I know I am. I know I am growing, & I am grateful everyday that I am. I see amazing possibilities for me on the horizon, and I welcome them.

I am still human and still have my times of sadness (like right now) but, I know that I am ok, & my mom is with me wherever I am.

Looking back on myself at this time last year & to who I am now, I am so proud. The path to being grateful for the lessons that the most devastating experience of my life has given me has finally come full circle.

Confession

In the last few weeks, I have done an excellent job of striving to be awake in my life. To be cause in the matter, vs order in the chaos.

What I have found, is I have done a damn good job of stumbling around half awake; all the while I am telling myself quietly that different results call for different actions.

The devil on my other shoulder is whispering back, “we have time, we have time.”

I cannot pin point how or why, but today I discovered this is the same bitch I listen to every year. Then half a year goes by, and still the same results…. Then the rest of the year goes by, and I end up shrugging off my failures and making a new yet familiar list of to do’s.

I am here to proudly declare that shit ends TODAY.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my own progression. I listen too much to the settler side of the voices in my head. She tells me this is good enough, tells me I can’t.

She tells me I am not smart enough, I’m too old, no one cares about me, I am too stupid…. That voice has so much to say.

I have spent the last year and a half in all out war with this bitch inside my head, and I realize that I cannot win the war against her because declaring to myself and once in a while a few close people to me what I am working on, what I dream about, or what I want is not enough to get me far.

Eventually I end up laying down my weapons and befriending the bitch on my shoulder again.

I don’t have any time; all I have is now…. And if you are reading this; please know this is the ultimate act of bravery for me; and that I need you to keep me accountable, to keep me in line so that I do not cave and become my own greatest enemy.

Here is what I want to accomplish – this is what I want to be…. (all the while trying hard to stay unattached to the results)

• Smile in the face of fear, and do the things that scare the shit out of me, which include:

-        Getting my pro blog up and running

-         Changing jobs even if it is temporary – I need to push myself outside my comfort zone.

-        LOOSE 50 pounds, not because I want to be a model, but because I want to live for a very long time, and do things without physical set backs.

• Meditate daily
• Write regularly, my blog, maybe a book, whatever I feel
• Read more books
• GO TO SCHOOL. I want to live in a different way. I want to help others.
• Take an art class, I want to draw, and paint again, I miss that part of me
• Travel. I have so much to see.
• Believe I can.

All of this list might seem really superficial and trivial to you The gods honest truth is every second I am writing this confession the looking good part of my brain fears someone will view me to be totally self involved like Hannah from Girls…

The half empty awake side of my brain that is forcing the hand that writes this post says…. “well who isn’t?”

So I guess there is nothing left to do but ask for help. I am a person who obviously needs a village to believe in myself, if you think you belong in that group, don’t waste time sign your ass up…. I need you.

Team - Lorde

changes

It is official the year of change has begun.

While it was very nerve racking for me to embark on the first major change in our family this year I think it is probably for the best.

Changes and decisions however do not come without their outside opinions and criticisms.
What all of that has taught me is that no one ever really is perfect, free of judgement, or supportive of others completely without their own agendas playing softly in the background.

While that knowledge is a little disappointing; it is really valuable.
It gives me the ability to keep myself from being far below the pedestal that I placed some people on, and now everyone is on a more even playing field in my mind.

That really gives me freedom to value my own journey, and experiences more. To feel like I can make decisions based on my own instinct, and not devalue myself in the shadow of another.

Oddly enough this time has been one of the closest connections I have felt to my mom's spirit in a while. I so wish we could have a chat! I have been dying to just tell her all that has been happening in my life. I would love to hear her thoughts on whatever she has thoughts on.

I am confident that this new chapter of life is going to bring forth, a new job, new experiences, a academic class or classes, and 50 lb weight loss. :) I am determined that I will also experience lots of joy and wonder, I am tired of spinning my wheels in the world of pain, anguish, and regret.

I am going to look forward, push myself no matter what people say or think, and listen to my self. I am playing a big game this year, wheather I have fans in the stands cheering me on or not.

The good things jar, and realizations that seem so simple

For a good part of last year, I was just so focused on the doing.

I was convinced that being productive was the key to success, and most importantly my own happiness.

This last week, I got pretty sick. My body literally forced me to take a step back, and I realized that being superwoman was not the key to anything really.

One of my profound new years commitments is to put myself at the top of the priority list no matter what it means.

Today that meant me taking an hour to chat with a long lost kindred spirit, and clean the kitchen.

In talking to this friend, and hearing her revel in the excitement of recently getting running water in the house, I heard something.

Simplicity. All the things I take for granted.

I thought how amazing it would be be to take off and live at the simplest level, and how truly grateful and humble that might make me.

Although I am consistently making a great effort to be humble, I definitely think I could use some growth there.

As we were closing our conversation, I heard my own voice in my mind chanting,

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo.

I took a second to laugh at myself for a second as I reflected on how complicated I have made this practice in my obsessive need for more doing.

For 6 months I was struggling to find time to chant in just the right way, to find people and time to learn everything that is behind this chant so that I am not uneducated and chanting something I do not know the meaning of or the religion it is rooted from.

I laugh looking back at my elaborate set up for this practice, my feelings of inadequacy in not knowing every last detail of Buddhism..... and I just got an aha right from thin air.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo is me. It is simple, I am over complicating my own process.

I was brought back to the true root of who I am at the core today by letting what is just be, and by taking the time to be in the space with my friend.

No need to be busy in the doing, I can just be.

I started my good things jar for the year directly after this realization. Today I was grateful for the realization that I do not have to fill every second to be productive or happy. #goingwiththeflow

I could not be in a more perfect space, writing this, so I remember in tough days.




Soundtrack 1/3/14

new year ~ new outlook

The first thing I am doing today is letting go of negativity, and anything that happened before now.

I am also holding on to this mantra. Hold the vision. Trust the process. Be grateful.

I will continue my commitment to love where I am, & to make myself a priority.

I am going to allow myself to be human, accept when I am not perfect, and stay focused and committed.

Through this process, here is the goals I wish to accomplish:

*Spend more time with family
*Go on a road trip or the water rafting in grand canyon
* getting my pro blog going for real
*Taking a class maybe more
* loose at least 35 lbs

Staying positive, dreaming big, doing things for me :)