so yesterday my mom was in a terrible car accident my step mom that is.
I'm struggling with being miles and miles away from the situation and not being able to be there to keep everybody's head level I'm also struggling with the fact that my dad is a selfish selfish person I mean I love the guy but he's so selfish he's the most self centered person I've ever met in my life.
my mom my step mom I mean rolled my dads truck yesterday on the way to work we think that there was a deer that darted out on the road and that she pulled off on the shoulder to avoid the deer and had some loose gravel make her tires slide into a boulder which propelled her to flip the truck over she lost consciousness she doesn't really remember what happened and the only thing she knows is that a jogger was screaming in the window at herto give him her arm so he can pull out of the passenger side window.
so I know the only vehicle that my parents collectively had together is now ruined but to me its just a vehicle and this is my step mom the woman that raised me the woman that takes care of everyone holds our family together meanwhile my dad is worrying about you know getting a brand new car because he needs one and going on a vacation in September that he shouldn't even be thinking about right now and going to a high school reunion next weekend I'm like what the f*** like seriously why aren't you worried about my mom she's laying in a hospital bed and a cardiac unit of the hospital 200 miles away from your house if she got airlifted to buy a f****** helicopter and her face is probably swollen up and bruised and he's worried about vacation cars money I don't get it I love my dad but he's crazy and I wish I could be there so I can protect my step mom from the ass and I've actually found myself praying to my mom who passed away a few months ago today to be there with my step mom and protect her from my crazy ass dad I love my dad don't get me wrong but he's so selfish and self centered I don't know what he gets that from I don't know where he gets it from I don't know why he is that way if it was him in the hospital keep in accident he wouldn't be worried about all the stuff in if anyone else was worried about it he be pissed so I don't understand why he so concerned about the stupid things that don't matter I'm worried about whether or not my step moms going to be OK is she going to be on disability for a long time and there are they going to be able to pay their bills later and she going to be able to rest and relax of the without my dad harping and whining at her I've even thought of having her move here and giving up my bed with my husband sleeping on the couch or something or putting a bed in my living room just so she can recover away from my dad how sad is that like I guess I should be working on my landmark forum homework right now because this is definitely some sort of breakdown I know it and I don't know how the hell to get out of it i guess i just have to wait to see what the doctors say...
Fyi god. You can stop testing me now. Just cause i am strong enough to handle what i have been through, does not mean I deserve it.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
when does being over it really count?
I feel like I've been having such a hard time lately just disconnecting from the things that frustrate me.
Everything that I want seems so far for my reach sometimes and the things that I have that I know logically in my mind that I need seems so it to be so frustrating I find myself day in and day out wishing for a different life I find myself day in and day out trying to convince myself that the things that I have that I'm sick of are worth it.I want to be rid of a really things I need and trying to tell myself to be thankful for them I feel like sometimes I'm just a spoiled little American brat who should be thanking my lucky stars that I have food in my tummy and a roof over my head. sometimes the things that I go through in and out of my daily life seems so unnecessary to me and I don't understand why I put myself through them and then I find myself reminding myself oh I'm doing this so I can have food I'm doing this so I can have shelter I'm doing this so I can support my child and if I didn't do these things then I wouldn't have these things and other days I just don't seem to care about the fact that it supports me and I wish that I could just do whatever it is that I want to do since my mom died I really AM starting to see the world around me I feel like for the first time I see things that are so unnecessary but I always thought were like the pinnacle of the universe but at the same time I see how they are the pinnacle of my universe and I hate it but there's a million people in the world that don't even have the things that I have so how can I hate it how can I be in so I'm grateful for everything that I have how can I not want to live this life that I'm living how do I find a way to be balanced so that I can live the life that I'm living and support my child and have food on the table and a roof over my head and the things I need but also be doing something that feeds my soul and not worrying about planning my life around as sale, a holiday that needs to have people all over the country coming in to spend money that's unnecessary on things we don't need or an event that you know is so important in my world but really in the scheme of things of the world its not important at all but when I say things like this to people the people in my life the people that are surrounding me they look at me like I have three heads like I'm crazy and I keep questioning myself am I crazy am I just thinking these thoughts because I'm going through some crazy grief process that I don't understand I am I thinking these thoughts because I'm fed up with the things I've gone through day in and day out year after year week after week month after month and I'm just fed up with it and I need to move on am I just never truly happy do I never want to be happy do I like being stressed out do I like being bummed out do I like being frustrated am I learning nothing through all these classes I've been taking because I feel like I keep going back to square one the place where I started I feel like sometimes in the day I can tell that I've grown so much out of the education I followed and then the next minute I feel like I'm back where I started before I even did it and I don't know why that is I mean maybe it's part of being human and maybe that's what I'm frustrated with this being human because I have such a strong desire to do and believe the incredible things and I'm instead stuck under LED lighting and air conditioning recycled air with people that all they care about is material things and price tags and events in sales and what's hot on a trend for clothing and makeup then what Kim Kardashians wearing and what song is hot on the radio and right now I just feel so disconnected from that stuff like how do people care about this s*** and why all of a sudden do I feel like I don't belong here and how for so long that I feel like I did and how do you express that to somebody like how do you go home at night and tell your husband that you're in the wrong place in your life and you don't know what to do how do you go to tell people that you don't want to be here anymore but you don't want to lose the things that come with being here I wish this is the one time but I really wished somebody was reading this blog because I need some words of wisdom right now I really wish somebody could hear these thoughts but I'm just putting on this page was hoping to leave them here and could look at me and give me an answer or make it better or tell me everything is going to be OK or they understand I just wish for once that I could feel like somebody understands me because sometimes I don't even understand myself and I don't seem to have a problem telling people how I feel but everyone seems to have a problem with hearing how I feel like what I'm saying doesn't make any sense into me when I'm saying it it makes perfect sense when the fact that I give actually out up I feel like everybody just wants to see you smile and hear you're OK and that you don't need any help and that you know everything's fine down some of the closest people in my life I feel that way like my parents my best friend my family everybody wants to see you smile and hear a positive attitude everybody wants to have an optimistic outlook nobody wants to hear that this doesn't work in this is why and that this isn't working for you anymore that's why and nobody wants to hear that somebody needs a break or they need someone to take over for them these are the things that nobody wants to hear and so nobody listens I can easily express my feelings there just never well received that's how I feel right now I can easily tell you what I don't want and what I do want but I can't tell you how I got where I'm at what I'm doing here and why I've been here for so long and how I've been able to stand all this time before now
Everything that I want seems so far for my reach sometimes and the things that I have that I know logically in my mind that I need seems so it to be so frustrating I find myself day in and day out wishing for a different life I find myself day in and day out trying to convince myself that the things that I have that I'm sick of are worth it.I want to be rid of a really things I need and trying to tell myself to be thankful for them I feel like sometimes I'm just a spoiled little American brat who should be thanking my lucky stars that I have food in my tummy and a roof over my head. sometimes the things that I go through in and out of my daily life seems so unnecessary to me and I don't understand why I put myself through them and then I find myself reminding myself oh I'm doing this so I can have food I'm doing this so I can have shelter I'm doing this so I can support my child and if I didn't do these things then I wouldn't have these things and other days I just don't seem to care about the fact that it supports me and I wish that I could just do whatever it is that I want to do since my mom died I really AM starting to see the world around me I feel like for the first time I see things that are so unnecessary but I always thought were like the pinnacle of the universe but at the same time I see how they are the pinnacle of my universe and I hate it but there's a million people in the world that don't even have the things that I have so how can I hate it how can I be in so I'm grateful for everything that I have how can I not want to live this life that I'm living how do I find a way to be balanced so that I can live the life that I'm living and support my child and have food on the table and a roof over my head and the things I need but also be doing something that feeds my soul and not worrying about planning my life around as sale, a holiday that needs to have people all over the country coming in to spend money that's unnecessary on things we don't need or an event that you know is so important in my world but really in the scheme of things of the world its not important at all but when I say things like this to people the people in my life the people that are surrounding me they look at me like I have three heads like I'm crazy and I keep questioning myself am I crazy am I just thinking these thoughts because I'm going through some crazy grief process that I don't understand I am I thinking these thoughts because I'm fed up with the things I've gone through day in and day out year after year week after week month after month and I'm just fed up with it and I need to move on am I just never truly happy do I never want to be happy do I like being stressed out do I like being bummed out do I like being frustrated am I learning nothing through all these classes I've been taking because I feel like I keep going back to square one the place where I started I feel like sometimes in the day I can tell that I've grown so much out of the education I followed and then the next minute I feel like I'm back where I started before I even did it and I don't know why that is I mean maybe it's part of being human and maybe that's what I'm frustrated with this being human because I have such a strong desire to do and believe the incredible things and I'm instead stuck under LED lighting and air conditioning recycled air with people that all they care about is material things and price tags and events in sales and what's hot on a trend for clothing and makeup then what Kim Kardashians wearing and what song is hot on the radio and right now I just feel so disconnected from that stuff like how do people care about this s*** and why all of a sudden do I feel like I don't belong here and how for so long that I feel like I did and how do you express that to somebody like how do you go home at night and tell your husband that you're in the wrong place in your life and you don't know what to do how do you go to tell people that you don't want to be here anymore but you don't want to lose the things that come with being here I wish this is the one time but I really wished somebody was reading this blog because I need some words of wisdom right now I really wish somebody could hear these thoughts but I'm just putting on this page was hoping to leave them here and could look at me and give me an answer or make it better or tell me everything is going to be OK or they understand I just wish for once that I could feel like somebody understands me because sometimes I don't even understand myself and I don't seem to have a problem telling people how I feel but everyone seems to have a problem with hearing how I feel like what I'm saying doesn't make any sense into me when I'm saying it it makes perfect sense when the fact that I give actually out up I feel like everybody just wants to see you smile and hear you're OK and that you don't need any help and that you know everything's fine down some of the closest people in my life I feel that way like my parents my best friend my family everybody wants to see you smile and hear a positive attitude everybody wants to have an optimistic outlook nobody wants to hear that this doesn't work in this is why and that this isn't working for you anymore that's why and nobody wants to hear that somebody needs a break or they need someone to take over for them these are the things that nobody wants to hear and so nobody listens I can easily express my feelings there just never well received that's how I feel right now I can easily tell you what I don't want and what I do want but I can't tell you how I got where I'm at what I'm doing here and why I've been here for so long and how I've been able to stand all this time before now
Monday, June 3, 2013
normally i would say
That i am pretty well adjusted emontially. But lately i have been starting to wonder if i need mental help? Dealing with.the death of my mom is a lot harder then i thought it would be.
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