Open Letter

Not optifast related

It's funny how the little things remind me of you and I instantly think about telling you, then my stomach drops out and I realize damn I'm really never going to see you again.  Like never, ever. So many words are left unspoken. 
I usually tell you things like this in a private Facebook message,  but I know your mom reads them, and at this point I'm starting to feel bad about them.

Today I saw this cute porch all arranged with multi colored lights. I immediately thought of us and how much we would have loved to have that porch to just chill and smoke on, or just how much we would love it now to talk and catch up on.
I looked down to text you on my phone, and it was then I remembered.

I miss you.

Optifast end of week 2

Well 2nd week is hardest.
I'm beginning to sympathize with my dog and Ethiopian children on the feed the world commercials.
I'm hungry all the time, and I think about food often.

I have cheated by eating small amounts of food a few times this week and coming clean to my family was really hard.

I feel like a complete failure.

My husband wants me to talk about my challenges in my group and I'm too embarrassed too.

Hopefully next week will be better.

End of Week 1 on Optifast at Kaiser

I made it through week 1!!! Last night a I was thinking about this I was like dude, I am  a bad ass bitch for getting through 7 days of this program. Now I totally realize there is probably like a million other things that are actually harder, but SERIOUSLY. Eating 800 calories a day only of things that come from powders or bars is really an accomplishment on any scale, especially if you can keep it up over any stretch of time.

This week I lost 6 pounds. When I say this in my head as I type it sounds like wah wah wah 6 pounds. And really that is because my inner anorexic had her heart set on 10 pounds. But also if I step back and look at this objectively, 6 pounds is more weight then I have ever lost in an entire week. Now, I did low key wear the lightest clothing I could find for the weigh in, but I really can honestly say I doubt the 6 pounds is contributed by my lack of heavy clothing.... This is just yet again another diet culture mind game developed probably somewhere around the time I did weight watchers in the early 2000s.

To sum up, part of me is bummed, logical me knows this is a significant weight loss for one week, then the emotionally stable part of me is like "numbers on a scale don't matter friend you made it through the week that is all that matters."

Hopefully they all get on the same page at some point, we shall see.

Today in class we talked about SMART goals and smarty pants me was like OMG duh everyone knows what these are if they work in the business world.... why such basic info Optifast?
But then i found myself quickly declaring I was not even going to THINK about making long term goals until the end of week three, because 800 calories a day be hard bitch. Can i get an amen?
I say that as I just left a class where when first asked how my week went I replied with "It went Fine I had a few struggles but I am ok" to then really identifying with another person 2 minutes later that was more honest about the struggle then me so.... I think the person answering the how was your week was optimistic me.

In any event I decided my SMART goal for this week is just to get through each day with no cheats.
(I can go to sleep and dream about all the food I want as long as I do not eat any in the day)
My rewards for my stellar behavior will be the following:
*Hot Tub Tea Time with the Hubs
*Pedicure with my kiddo

So that is where I am at. I believe I can do it because, hey I made it through this week. Wish me luck.

Week 1 of the Optifast Journey

I want other people out there thinking about this program or starting it to find some honest thoughts and feelings about it, and I need to journal so I'm going to do my best to not my thoughts down weekly. 

Well, here I am day 5 and here is what's going through my mind today.

-Real talk? I'm fucking hungry but not for the things I thought I would be, instead I'm craving poached eggs with sauteed mushrooms spinach and toast, Tuna Salad, or a nice lettuce wrapped burger. What has been awesome is my husband is so awesomely supportive I tell him every thought and every craving and he is there for me.

-I don't think I am going to post before and after pictures or claim any weight loss success publicly. I'm not here for that, and it's not what I stand for. This is the first time in my life that I am truly loosing this weight for me. I'm committed to this to feel better, be able to do more, and to heal my relationship with food. I know as a fat person for almost 20 years the damage of being on the opposite side of declarations and before and afters is, & also I do not subscribe to the ideas of less weight equals happiness or success or acceptance. 
It doesn't. I'm happy now. I'm actually better mentally now then ever, I'm just in pain, and I recognize that I have had a unhealthy attachment to food for as long as I can remember and I want to heal.

-Taking in a ton of fluid is hard, and I've found ways to get around that somewhat but I do find myself wondering am I letting my food attachment side swipe it's way in? I don't know. 

-My dog is saving my life right now. She helps me get through. Snuggles and petting her is literally like artificial dopamine. I'm grateful.

-I have my teenage eating disorder thoughts creeping in. (Asking myself what I can do to loose 10lbs a week etc)
The good news is I'm aware of them, and I engage in an internal dialogue with myself to shut them down.

-when i was eating,  the block of time this program lasts seemed small, today it seems infinite. I keep a picture in my mind of what I will be able to do physically at the end of this to keep me going.

I have 3 more days till my first check in and i am curious to see my results and what the next week looks like.