waves

I feel like I am in the low part of the tide today. Its quiet, there is a wide bank of sand.... but I can hear the storm and the waves in the distance...

I am really working hard to hold it all together.
Last week was a whirlwind of emotions. It's hard to be on the brink of emotional shut down and look like all is well on the outside.

I will be traveling again this week, then resuming life as usual the following week... I will be seeing a holistic doctor next week, and working on starting therapy soon. I hope it all helps. I really long to have some silence right now; some relief.

Its hard to be on the brink of panic all the time.

I wish I could stay locked up here in my warm and comfortable house while the rain pours down outside. Here I know mostly what to expect. Here is my place. Here is where my people are.

I just want to feel safe and happy again.

The Bear... The whole fucking field of bears

I just realized that whenever I write it is mostly just to get things out.
I like to talk things out, even if no one is on the receiving end of this conversation.

I am in a dark cloud that is suspended over a field of ferocious bears.
Everything in my life is terrifying and causes me to have heart palpitations, okay well not EVERYTHING.... but almost.

Being sad and anxious ( I know first world problems...) is just the absolute worst ever.
There are a million times a day I just want to hide under a tent of blankets in the darkest corner of a room and not ever face the world again. There a thousand moments in a day that I am convinced that I am about to fuck up my life, everyone else's life, my job, my everything.

The plot lines that live in my mind are those of self absorbed disaster strikes big screen type movies. It's like every fucking situation is my own personal San Andres thriller about to happen minus the popcorn and the rock.....

I don't know what to do. I don't know when or if it will ever end.... it's fucking exhausting, and infuriating, because the reality is my life is not bad, there are a lot of great things in my life and amazing people.....
But when I try to tell the panic within, it's like somehow my heart and my mind are not getting the memo....
Like a broke down line of communication within myself... it's like I am communicating reality vs anxiety and sadness through a tin can and string phone system, when what I really need is a fucking CELL PHONE.

I wish it would stop. I hope that it stops. No matter how much I tell myself to breathe, that it is all only feelings, and that there really are no bears there, and no dark clouds.... the feelings remain. My heart still pounds. My throat still gets dry, I still fidget like a 3 year old child that just got told to sit still, my inner instinct is screaming inside my head.... RUN... GET IN THE CAR.... TURN THE MUSIC LOUD, ROLL THE WINDOWS DOWN, JUST GET THE HELL OUTTA DODGE! Drive into the sunset, away from the buildings and into the forest...... Run, run, run..... or hide under the blankets in the darkest corner you can find.

Fuck.