Choices

This week has been a difficult one. Or should I say the weekend actually.
As I smiled on the sun shining down on me Thursday afternoon at disneyland, I would have never guessed that the very next day, while I was getting ready for work I would see on the news that a kindergarten class was shot to death. That news hit a personal cord with me and broke my heart. I spent the better half of the morning crying. Crying for the kids, crying for the parents, crying for the teachers that lost their lives, crying for the people on the scene, and yes crying for the shooter and his family.

Cool kid and I were talking about him this morning. I was trying to explain to her that even though what he did was so horrific, he must have been hurting for so long to get to a point to do such a terrible thing.

I tried to help her imagine what it must be like to lose three members of your family, and know one of them committed such an atrocious crime, and how it probably did not seem to resemble anything that you would ever expect them to do.

One of the best reasons why I love this kid is because she really could try to imagine it. She has big sucker heart for people just like I do, sometimes I think it is the biggest cross to bear ever... and other times, I know it is what makes us who we are.

Okay on to Saturday... A sinus ick creeped up on me making me miserable Friday afternoon, to top it off the last thing I was told before I shut my eyes is that my "holier then thou" FIL decided to practically OD on a prescription for the second time in what only seems like a month or two. Needless to say I was pissed.

Then I go to work with my head in a snot filled balloon and one ear plugged, and some jerk decided to shoot off over 50 rounds in the parking lot of my closest neighboring mall. Thankfully no one was hurt, but I was like really?

Of course everyone at my work was freaking out. I however remained eerily calm, as I tend to do in situations like that. I will freak out sometimes about what people say or what they think about me, but for some reason for things that matter I have a cool; methodical thought process. Not to mention I was still mad at bornagainbornagain.
And when I am pissed; sometimes I get quiet. Honestly when that happens you know your in serious shit with me.

But let me backtrack a minute, because what I am not telling you is at first, I had a pretty hot head. At first I did say something. And I gave it to him in the whole I am so holy kneel before me way he dishes it out every week via email. Normally I would feel really bad about it later on, but I am still not sorry. I don't think I ever will be either. Someone needed to say something, and that someone usually is me.

"leave it to me to be holding the matches, when the fire trucks show up and there's nobody else to blame"

The more I thought on it though, the madder I got. Not because of me, but because of cool kid mostly. I have had the horrible affliction of people with substance abuse issues and selfishness plaguing my life... and I am so sick up to here with it. And now, I am especially pissed off that Cool kid seems to have to bear some sort of punishment for it too.

Then to top it all off, I get no response. (actually I was not really shocked there) and no thought was given to my jewel of wisdom/ sarcastic/ holy/ bitchy /retort either.

Instead holierthenthou thought it better to go to my sweet friend for a visit and vomit his excuses and his bullshit on her day when she has bigger troubles then he can imagine of her own. After, he choose to continue with his usual boorish ass behavior and who knows what ultimateenabler did for act two of that situation.

So now I am pissed off for cool kid, my sweet friend, mr fixit, and for me.

And the moral of the story is this: Some people I find so completely disgusting it makes me want to vomit myself. holierthenthou, is high on that list.
You don't make excuses and mask your terrible behavior and bad choices by slapping a condition on the face of it and shrug your shoulders as you make everyone around you miserable. You just don't. PERIOD.

The only reason for that type of behavior is because you do not want to change, that is it. Don't give me a fucking excuse for it. Be real, none of us were born yesterday.

Secondly no matter your relationship to such a person you should never yourself make excuses for them and just cry and shrug your shoulders and expect people to accept that. It's not ACCEPTABLE, EVER.

Due to the situation, I feel as though sadly for cool kid I am going to have to find a way to make some serious steps to change my life and cut ties with these people. I'm not really sure how that is going to play out, I'm not even sure it is possible. But at this point I am at a loss for what else to do. I'm angry, and I am sad. I hate to hurt cool kid to save her from the potential of having some of the experiences I have had.

Tough decisions are ahead, and life changes I assume as well.

visualization of my future, the creation of possibilty

So this may totally be bad habits, but I really don't think it is.
I have decided that although I love the industry I am in, I hate the hours I keep. It's something I have always known, yet something I felt I never had a choice to acknowledge.

Recently I made a choice; a track that stays within my realm and decided that was my destination.

Lately though I am feeling it does not have to be the only one.

A while back my brain would have been too fearful to admit that thought existed, for I am a creature of habit. I like to cozy up, and stay where I know everyone. Much like the guys at the bar of "Cheers."

The flip side to me loving my current habitat is, I have a wildly creative dreamers side.
 That every so often shows me images of me being a store owner in a cute little town somewhere and completely owning my whole life; and most importantly my schedule.

The logical side of me has always stood tall on my shoulder telling me I cannot get there because i do not know how.

I want to flick logic off my shoulder and look out into the world and maybe create the possibility that I can own my own business.

Live more of my life on my terms.
Live somewhere less busy, less rude, more country, more slightly hippiesque.

Deep down, I know that is what I want. I know that it's more me.

Starting in January, I will be taking my "Authenticity course" which I accidentally got signed up for, but now I am thinking it's probably the perfect course for me to take.

And I am marching my ass into some college counselor's office around here somewhere to see what options are the right one for me.

Wish me luck ;) I cannot help but laugh as I say that because I could hear Maurish saying in my head that there is no luck....